Stardate 07042003
Premieres, Posers, Pirates and Punks
So much for Lisa Kudrow being fit only for the pages of the REDBOOK. She’s on the cover of this month’s INSTYLE magazine, which means that the arbiters of taste obviously think she’s got plenty of style. And at one million dollars an episode and two movies in the works, (WONDERLAND opens in late September and shooting for the tentatively titled comedy HAPPY ENDINGS began shooting in June) she can tell those catty little bitches to just fuck off.
The “In Defense of Same Sex Marriage” Act
As most of you know by now, the Supreme Court has struck down anti-sodomy laws, which has got the homophobes all a-fluster. They are now afraid that this will pave the way for same-sex marriage. Well, Duh.
“But what will happen to our kids”, “What will happen to the institution of marriage?” Honey, I gotta tell ya, ten percent of your kids are queer and half of all marriages end in divorce. Yes, it’s such a sacred institution. Not six months ago I was predicting that same-sex marriage would be legal in less than five years. I thought I was being overly optimistic. The Supreme Court was not unanimous in their decision. The three dissenters were William Rehnquist, Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia. But you know, there were perfectly reasonable people that opposed freeing the slaves, as well. One of them, Strom Thurmond, recently died and took his brand of bigotry to the grave. And did anybody else hear a respectfully muffled shout of glee when it was reported that Strom Thurmond had died, finally? The present is shuffling off the yoke of history. Buddy Hacket and Katherine Hepburn have also bowed out, making room for new legends to be born and new ways of being to take root.
June is known among those who are in the know as Gay Pride Month and this June we all got to take one giant step out of the closet. We are finally reaching critical mass domestically and starting to catch up to most of Western Europe. Canada has put us to the test by legalizing same sex marriages in all the provinces. The Middle East and Asia just may be the last hold-out and I suppose Rehnquist, Thomas and Scalia would be much more comfortable serving a government that executes people for being homosexual rather than one that recognizes their equal and inalienable right to lay with whoever they choose and whatever manner they find mutually agreeable and to enter into legally sanctioned unions.
3 of out 10 justices agree, “We will do what it takes to heavily weight the evolutionary curve in favor of the Jurassic age.”
One day, we will all be dead and the human world will be in the hands of the countless billions of children we keep foisting the future on. You know that when Hannity and Colmes on the FOX NEWS start talking about Climate Change, we are way past the point of introducing it into the public consciousness.
But we are ready to do what it takes, right? We have the know how and the courage to bend around environmental catastrophe and overpopulation, social injustice and world conflict. Let’s see, I’m 33 so my generation, loosely defined as X and those after, loosely defined as Y and Millenials are locked in a power struggle with the World War 2 and Boomer generations while those forebears of ours are still in the midst of their own survival. And on an even grander scale, the emerging transnational geo-political consciousness is a direct confrontation to nationalism, patriotism and provincialism - all tools that serve the old world better than the emerging world. Most of the world exists in a feudal state with society organized around gang thuggery in whatever clothes it wears, be they the legally recognized militaries, corporate lawyers or “criminal” syndicates, and an enlightened society is still several genetic mutations away.
Wasn’t Dennis Miller once a liberal?
I think that guy is just going to tap into whatever source of emotional intensity he can use to keep an audience interested. And now he’s raising money for George Bush Jr’s campaign. I appreciate the raw emotional place he’s coming from but he’s giving wholesale support to the Bush camp and I’m not sure he realizes the full implications of that. Maybe he’s just getting paid for it.
You know how when you have a cold and it always feels like you are sickest just before you start getting better, I think this whole Dennis Miller thing is like the peak of the illness and since he’s put himself out there as the poster child for ultra-conservative right wing religious fundamentalism, he’s going to have to deal with the criticism. What bugs me about him is that he can’t step back far enough from his feelings to examine the larger issues. In short, he is not practicing wisdom, he is acting like a hot-headed vigilante who won’t stop until blood is shed. When you give up your comfort with the gray zones, you lose your credibility as an intellectual and whatever thoughtful commentary you think you are giving turns into polemic and propaganda. I guess Dennis is just looking for an audience. If it works for FOX NEWS it should work for Miller.
Hordes of Screaming Fans
THE PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN world premiere at Disneyland on Saturday, June 28th was less a red carpet ride and more a parade. I said to my escort, Michael, who walked me to my spot along the carpet, “They are really going to be trotted out, aren’t they?” Fans waited for as long as four hours to see who would come by. It seemed like everybody was there to see Johnny Depp, who makes few appearances in the U.S. these days but the crowd also went nuts when Amanda Bynes unexpectedly strolled by.
I thought, “This is a perfect opportunity to educate these people about Amanda Bynes,” but I was cool, I didn’t get all out of control, even when that poser Travis from BLINK-182 walked by. “What’s so fucking punk rock about Disneyland!” I wanted to shout. “Yeah, I’m talking to you, you little poser.”
There was a surprising number of rock and roll rebels on the red carpet. Tattoos, the latest in super-pricey off the rack street chic and lots of rock star hair-dos. I’m all about the rock star hair-dos. In 1986, When I was 15, I went to Disneyland with my family and at the time I had a big giant horsehawk, which is a very thick mohawk. It was black and sticking straight out from my head. I wore a blue satin robe and I was wearing a lot of black eyeliner and white face make-up. (This was, obviously, ages before Marilyn Manson showed a whole generation of kids how to freak out their parents.) I was told that I could not come into the park unless I combed down my hair and washed my face because other people may mistake me for one of the characters.
The Thought Police Come A’Callin’
After calling the security guard a fascist, I went back to the hotel room and lightened up my look a little bit. They told me I had to get a hat and cover up my hair. I was furious and 15, a lethal combination. But I did it because I’m a good son. Now it’s like every other person had dyed hair and an attitude problem. Gary Busey probably comes closer to being a punk than that stupid BLINK-182 twerp or Avril Lavigne. But I love Avril Lavigne. I mean, that song, Sk8er Boi, that’s all about my dream man.
But what can you do? The kids love it and it’s much safer than going to a real punk show. Not that there is much of a punk scene left, and not much of it is very interesting, but you know, that spirit of punk, that’s sacred. You can’t fuck with that. You can’t punk a punk, punk. But maybe Disney is interested in getting edgy. Maybe they are starting to understand that the story is the same, it’s just the details that differ. Everyone wants to get laid, some people just want to screw someone with pink and black hair and a nose-ring.
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN opens July 9. I haven’t seen the movie so I can’t tell you much about it, but it’s got pirates and it’s got booty, so it can’t be all bad.
Nobodies and Somebodies – a Red Carpet Saga in Three Acts
Cuba Gooding Jr whizzed on by before I could get a photo and Tony Kanal, the guitarist for NO DOUBT, snuck in with the non-celebrity guests. You see, there are waves of people on the Red Carpet and the first wave are the people who are nobody. But it’s better to be a nobody because you get to the buffet dinner first and you can kick it before the movie starts. The somebodies have to spend time talking to reporters, posing for photos and generally being a star before being rushed to their seat so the movie can begin on time.
When Tony Kanal paused unexpectedly in front of my place in line, I was pre-occupied with the red carpet entertainment provided by a band of jolly pirates. I looked at him and I was thinking, “where do I know that guy from?” and then someone shouted, “IT’S THE GUY FROM NO DOUBT!” Ooops, oh yeah. Well hey, sorry, Guy From NO DOUBT.
It is fascinating the moment you go from being a nobody to somebody and somewhat disheartening to go from being somebody back to being nobody. Reporters are also constantly asking each other, “Who was that? Who is that?” as “celebrities” pass by. There are a lot of really young actors that kids know about because of the Disney Channel. It’s like those whole other secret world of kid entertainment. I was at the supermarket magazine rack and I picked up a few of the magazines that cater to the pre-teenybopper crowd. I guess they are called “Tweens” now. It’s lots of bright colors and cute boys. There is so much eye candy in Los Angeles. You can’t throw a rock without hitting a pretty face. SO BRING LOTS OF ROCKS.
Maybe It’s Maybelline
I also missed Lynda Carter which was the only person I really wanted to take a picture of. The reporter next to me said she came by a “long time ago looking upset that nobody was taking her picture.”
And I was really upset because I wanted to take her picture. There is an army of assistants on the red carpet and they come up to you and say helpful things like, “Coming up is Ted Elliott the writer of PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN.” But I recognized him because I had just seen him at the Writers Guild Foundation’s Writers on Genre seminar.
Avast ye, Matey and Shiver Me Timbers! Disney Says Yes to a Pirate Movie
Elliott, who also wrote SHREK, said he has wanted to do a pirate film for ten years and he approached Disney with the idea of doing Pirates of the Caribbean but they thought taking the ride to the screen would ruin the story elements of the ride. If you’ve never been to Disneyland or on the Pirates of the Caribbean (my favorite ride next to the Haunted House), you start out sailing through a calm little seaside village which gets invaded and ransacked by pirates, when you leave the ride, the village is on fire and in ruins. If you take the characters out of the ride and put them in a different scenario, how will people experience the story of the ride?
Disney solved this dilemma by putting elements of the ride into the film so you can experience the world of the film and the world of the ride as contiguous. Pretty clever, those Disney folks. I haven’t seen the movie though. I didn’t have the right color badge to actually get into the screening and my fast talking got me nowhere. In fact, Disneyland was closed immediately after the red carpet spectacle because, “if we keep the park open, we know the screening is going to get invaded,” said a cast member. (Disneyland park crew are called “cast members”.)
Can I See Your Papers? Or, How I Didn’t get to see Pirates of the Caribbean
I got all the way up to the entrance of the screening and when I said, “There must be some mistake, I’m supposed to be inside there watching the movie,” I was directed back to the press tent. When I got back to the press tent I realized I was now outside the park. I looked back and all I saw were the iron bars separating me from Shannon Elizabeth. But was I locked out … or were they locked in?
The critically acclaimed NORTHFORK, coming to a town near you
Lots of people dressed up in Pirate outfits and Daryl Hannah was the pirate-iest pirate of the bunch. She is currently starring in the new The Polish Brothers’ film NORTHFORK which opens July 11 . I’ve got an extensive interview with the identical twin brothers who also wrote and directed Jackpot and Twin Falls Idaho coming up the week of the 11th so watch the site for it. The Polish Brothers are two of the most innovative and articulate, visually interesting film makers to come out of the independent world in some time. The dreamscape feel of NORTHFORK is playfully shattered at times by the most unexpected, anachronistic pop culture references. And Nick Nolte gets a part that reminds you that he is, first and foremost, an actor.
I talked to Nolte about his role in the movie and I was just shocked at how much natural charisma and presence he had. He completely took over the room. His characters all feel so subdued compared to his actual personality. He was completely shortchanged by the media with that police photo that was broadcast the world over. I just kept thinking, “Wow, Nick Nolte is the real deal. He’s an actual artist.” I was blown away by his performance as the last remaining clergyman in a town that is set to be flooded by a new dam project.
The Most Interesting Love Affairs Are Rarely Understandable
The next ABOUT TOWN will be an all-Ozzfest special edition. ROCK!
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