In KINSEY, there was almost a [Liam] Neeson nude scene, too. "Liam was perfectly willing, but for budgetary reasons, we cut it, unfortunately," says writer/director Bill Condon.
”Male frontal nudity in the movies uncovers an old debate,” USA Today, Nov. 18, 2004

EXT: Woods, Day.
[Professor Alfred “Prok” Kinsey is meticulously cataloguing a nest of gall wasps. He sits up and wipes his brow. His wife, Clara “Mac” McMillen, sits next to their family station wagon, preparing a picnic lunch.]

KINSEY: Mac, I’m going to go for a wee.

MAC: Okay, Prok.

[Standing up, he steps into the woods and prepares to urinate. The camera follows his hands as he opens his belt and lowers his zipper. The camera zooms in as he lifts his sizable, glistening manhood from his trousers. It glints in the sun. He looks at it, and it seems to look back at him and smile. If his penis could talk, it would surely say, in a thundering yet tender, loving, fatherly voice, "Hello, good sir. I am your friend." There is a moment of anticipation as he prepares to use his mighty penis for merely one of its myriad of possible uses, but just as he is about to relieve himself, a sound! "The soundtrack registers a sound not unlike that of a mighty sequoia that had been lifted from the earth by Zeus himself and broken in half, only slightly more impressive."]

SFX: CRACKATHOOM!

[Kinsey turns, and a look of horror comes across his face. Staring back at him is AN ENORMOUS FLAMING PENIS, easily 60 feet tall. Dead center is an evil, red eye, billowing smoke. It has massive steel arms that shoot lasers and knives and flames from its fingers. Thousands of tiny penises circle its head, revolving like stars in a galaxy. It spies KINSEY and growls, menacingly, in a tone that is impossible to describe, and is very expensive to simulate.]

GIANT FLAMING PENIS: YOUR MINISCULE PENIS OFFENDS ME!

KINSEY: Sweet Jesus!

[The GIANT FLAMING PENIS points its laser-fingers at Kinsey. He ducks, just in time, as it slices through the tree behind him. The tree explodes into a thousand tiny splinters, each one individually catching fire and exploding like tiny, colorful, and costly fireworks. The GIANT FLAMING PENIS points angrily at Kinsey.]

GIANT FLAMING PENIS: Get him, my army of cyborg J. Edgar Hoovers! Get him and obliterate that dreadful penis of his!

[On command, thousands of robotic J. Edgar Hoovers march towards Professor Kinsey, each one armed with its own spectacular, nuclear-powered penises, which they wave at Kinsey en masse, producing incredible, frightening light and sound. The animals of the woods flee, hundreds of them in all directions, more than the mind can comfortably comprehend without the aid of expensive special effects. Terrified, KINSEY, his pants still dangling open, his giant, manly penis flopping gently, like the branches of a weeping willow in the summer wind, dashes back to the car and his wife.]

KINSEY: MAC! RUN!

[Just then, before he’s even had a chance to zip up, he sees that Mac has been captured by the amassed armies of Emperor Yuan of Jin China, nearly 1400 years after his (Yuan’s) supposed death! There they stand, in full armor, thousands upon thousands of them, just waiting, expensively. A general has lowered himself from his mighty, expensively armored steed to gawk at their modest 1948 Chrysler Imperial station wagon, which, incidentally, has been specially outfitted with custom cages for Kinsey’s extensive collection of rare, endangered eagles, which are nearly impossible to convincingly render in CGI.]

MAC: Prok! Help me!

GENERAL: Ni meiyou langun! Gan ni ba!

SUBTITLE: We are all out of crab rangoon! You like egg roll?*

[Just then, Emperor Yuan’s army sees the giant flaming penis and the nuclear-wanged Hoovers. There is a moment of hesitation as the two groups size each other up. In the background, an entire armada of Luftwaffe fighters engages in furious battle with diamond-encrusted flying monkeys, but we pay no attention. (Well, maybe a little.)]

GENERAL: Ni shi wo de biao zv! Nide muchin shr ega da wukwei!

SUBTITLE: Two orders of moo shu pork!**

GIANT FLAMING PENIS: I AM A GIANT FLAMING PENIS!

[With a battle cry that shakes the ground, the clash has begun. Again and again, swords crack against nuclear-powered Hoover penises. The carnage is terrifying and frightening. Also, costly. Amidst the chaos, Kinsey manages to grab his wife.]

MAC: Prok! What do we do?

KINSEY: I don’t...

[Just then, Jesus Christ returns. This looks really awesome.]

JESUS: ’Sup?

[This is just the break that Emperor Yuan’s army needs, since they have no idea who Jesus is, and really couldn’t care less. However, the giant flaming penis, for reasons not adequately understood, is completely stunned. The Chinese army strikes down the penis and his Hoover-bots. Victorious, they go for a beer with Jesus.]

KINSEY: Whew.

[Kinsey zips up.]

* If you think this is offensive, you should hear what this really translates to.
** Seriously, don’t even ask.

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