or: How Your Favorite Christmas Movies Would Be Different if They Starred Scott Baio Circa 1982

In spite of his status as one of the greatest actors of our generation, hardly anything is really known about Scott Baio. Archeologists at the University of Idaho have painstakingly assembled what little we do know from but two sources: six copies of Tiger Beat and various tidbits of information gleaned from a crack-addled Adam Rich in exchange for rock.

Still, the picture of Baio that we get is surprisingly well rounded. For instance, we have solid evidence that Scott likes tongue kissing, the color red, and his 1971 Camaro. Also, he once murdered a hobo. But then, who hasn't?

One fact remains certain: Baio was born in Las Vegas, Nevada, on March 19, 1962, or in East Berlin on January 13, 1973 and then smuggled into West Berlin a few hours later in a truck. This latter theory that has been much contested in academic circles, as it means Scott would have been four years old when he debuted on HAPPY DAYS, but a considerable number of Baiologists insist it is indeed true, and that Baio has a severe glandular disorder. This is hard to dispute.

Baiologists have devoted their lives to the study of the "Baio Effect," which, to put it in layman's terms, is the rule that anything featuring Scott Baio immediately and uncontestably becomes AWESOME. Again, this is hard to dispute. SKATETOWN U.S.A. Awesome. FOXES. Awesome! ZAPPED: The greatest film ever made. QED

Therefore, as the holidays approach, it is natural to wonder whether certain holiday classics could be improved through the presence of Scott Baio. Naturally, this is a silly question, to which the obvious answer is duh. The real question we should all be asking ourselves as we near the birthday of our savior* is, how would these films be made more awesome with some added Baioliciousness (and perhaps a dash of Willie Aames for good measure)?

IT'S A BAIOFUL LIFE (1946)
Despondent on Christmas, George Bailey (Baio) is about to jump off a snowy bridge but is stopped by angel Clarence (Dick Van Patten). Clarence shows George what life in Skatetown Falls would be like without him: Spoiled rich guy Dave Potter (Patrick Swayze) gets all the righteous chicks! Shown the error of his ways, he climbs off the bridge and takes Clarence to the roller disco where they win the big derby. Verdict: AWESOME.

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER (1964)
After drinking some of Santa's "magic water," Rudolph (voiced by Baio) discovers his red nose has the power to move objects. He and Blitzen (Willie Aames) embark on a series of shenanigans that mostly involve pulling the clothing off of Santa's elves. Then they fly to Fort Lauderdale, where they judge a bikini contest and win the big water-skiing competition. Verdict: AWESOME SQUARED.

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS (2000)
The Grinch (Jim Carrey) plots to steal all the presents from the citizens of Whoville, but is instead beaten savagely by Cindy Lou Who (Baio) with a 2x4 with a rusty nail in it until the paramedics arrive to treat him for severe trauma and blood loss. Then they see that it's Jim Carrey, and they allow Cindy to continue. Verdict: SO AWESOME I JUST PEED MYSELF.

A CHARLES IN CHARGE CHRISTMAS (1965)
When Charles (Baio) complains to his friend Buddy (Willie Aames, in a heartbreaking performance that will move you) about the crass commercialism of Christmas, Buddy reveals a scheme to make a million dollars off of the annual Christmas pageant. And so it's up to Charles to teach Buddy the true meaning of the holiday and keep his friend from hitting on the hot girl that was on BAYWATCH that he baby-sits. Verdict: SERIOUSLY, COULD SOMEONE GET ME SOME DRY PANTS?

MIRACLE ON 69TH STREET (1987)
Santa (Baio) sets out to score himself some ho, ho, hoes. VERDICT: AWESOME ON TOAST!

SCROOGED (1988)
Chachi Cross (Baio) owns a television station, WESM, which is putting on a live, all-skating version of A CHRISTMAS CAROL. He is visited by his old friend Richie Cunningham, who he thought was dead, but turns out was just in Tahoe. He tells Chachi that he will be visited by three ghosts that night: Past (Mr. Cunningham), Present (Joanie Cunningham), and Future (The Fonz). Realizing this would be a big bummer, he and Richie skip the whole thing and take a road trip to Vegas for the big football game, getting in all sorts of wacky hijinx on the way. Adam Rich makes a cameo appearance as a VD-ridden prostitute that Richie accidentally marries. VERDICT: A BIG, FESTERING PILE OF AWESOME.

JINGLE ALL THE WAY (1996)
Scott Baio plays Howie Langston, a muscleheaded mongoloid with an incomprehensible accent who agrees to buy his son (Scott Baio) the hottest gift going this year, the Scott Baio Action Figure Playset. Unfortunately, his every attempt to buy the toy is halted by evil ninjas (Scott Baio) who want to rule the world. He single-handedly defeats the ninjas and then wins the big ski race down K12 (Scott Baio). VERDICT: Okay, this one would suck. But it would suck IN A TOTALLY AWESOME WAY.

THE PASSION OF THE BAIO (2004)
Jesus (Baio) gets the living crap beaten out of him by the Romans for two hours, thus teaching us the true meaning of Christmas: Beating the crap out of Scott Baio.

Amen.

* Scott Baio.

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