Addicted to Bad is proud to present, for the first time anywhere, this rare transcript of a rare press conference with STAR WARS creator George Lucas, recorded during his visit to Japan to promote the release of his first directorial effort in twenty years, STAR WARS, EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE.

REPORTER: We are thanking to have you, Mr. Lucas.

GEORGE LUCAS: Thanking of you for the thanking of honoring of me. I am the very enjoyable Japan-face.

REPORTER: Mr. Lucas, is the very exciting opening?

GEORGE LUCAS: Was to have been there! I am afraid of Japan, very much desire. Once being thrown over the ocean by the giant. Look, fish! [Laughter]

REPORTER: Lucas, sir!

GEORGE LUCAS: Man in tiny hat.

REPORTER: Very thanking. When did MISSING SCARY come into your home?

GEORGE LUCAS: Being distant, distant time, in outer space away, away. Ha ha. [Laughs] It sends seriously, I am having the idea for MISSING SCARY many, many years. I have wished to always soon form a history of Darth Vader, but I have had to receive the monies, however no prostitution to men of Twentieth Vixen of the Century.

ASSISTANT: Water?

GEORGE LUCAS: Yes, it is.

REPORTER: Father, nipples?

GEORGE LUCAS: Nipples.

REPORTER: Most honorable Lucas, work for the Japanese newspaper in the goats. How you find the interest?

GEORGE LUCAS: Always. I observed the screen of many defective in the school. Then I aspired professionally. It could exceed badly, but then I have come from ewoks.

REPORTER: Lucas, where is black man owning fine mustache?

GEORGE LUCAS: Inside a box.

REPORTER: Long you can in saying this defective screen to them?

GEORGE LUCAS: This defective screen was given the form during many years. I can use the computers in the place of the agents, because the agents are slow people. I can fight with your ancestor.

REPORTER: You are liking to battle with me?

GEORGE LUCAS: Get it above.

REPORTER: You smoked all the groove?

GEORGE LUCAS: I smoked the groove many time, when I to write this manuscript. Consequently they are many defective.

REPORTER: Which MISSING SCARY of the harder part?

GEORGE LUCAS: Hatred of agents. I wish that you design with monster enormous of the dead agents.

REPORTER: Honorable Lucas, for which speeches have taste of a complete weak?

GEORGE LUCAS: They are to the swindler. I cracked Tokyo with my great hands!

REPORTER: Real George is requested!

GEORGE LUCAS: It was full from the meat of the turtle.

REPORTER: We all it love it, George!

DIFFERENT REPORTER: You can say the truth approximately for MISSING SCARY?

GEORGE LUCAS: This to MISSING SCARY is the funny, the end to give pockets of money with distant men, as with the boys. I desire to have your money from the bedroom. I never do not write a good manuscript. I can start cement in the catapults.

REPORTER: Do you learn the fight karate, George Lucas?

GEORGE LUCAS: I am eating the past, which an ape of the murderer died with my bright hands for one fight. I am Jedi for my donkey.

REPORTER: How much is this defective, that one that creates?

GEORGE LUCAS: Desire that you stop to say that they are defective. They are angry and I destroy its cities with my luminous feet.

REPORTER: Maybe?

GEORGE LUCAS: Possibility.

I would like to thank Mrs. Johnson's third grade class for the translation.

BONUS! Mistakes in THE PATRIOT

The British were not in the habit of drinking the blood of puppies with meals.

It has never been conclusively proven that George Washington had a 20-inch penis.

There were no Hobbits in the Revolutionary War.

Deleted scenes showing Mel Gibson's character dressing up like a giant bat and terrorizing red coats at night are generally believed to be inaccurate.

"Disco Inferno" had not been written in 1776, and therefore was unlikely to be played by marching bands during battles.

Mel Gibson did not actually fight in the Revolutionary War.

There was no orgy after the fight at Lexington.

At most, the US flag only had 50 stars, not 603.

There is no record of a battalion of monkeys fighting alongside the Colonials. Pirates, maybe.

People Magazine did not exist until 1974, so Heath Ledger's character could have been named 1778's "Sexiest Man Alive."

While the extended "spanking" scene between Mel Gibson and Heath Ledger is not historically inaccurate, it is rather disturbing.

Mel Gibson is Australian.

The Boston Tea Party did not last six days and feature women flashing their breasts for beads. It was only four days.

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