As a parent, or future parent, or someone who might accidentally become a parent because she said she was on the pill, but she was also taking antibiotics and that just throws all that plumbing out of whack, believe you me. Not me personally, of course, but I know lots of guys who this happened to, and they all tell me to watch out, man. And then there was this one guy, Gary, who said he used protection, like, every time, but then Kim said she was late, and he was, like, "Whoa." But he did the right thing, and he married this chick, right? Then, four years later, he's looking at pictures and he realizes this kid looks exactly, and I mean EXACTLY, like Kim's ex-boyfriend, Dave. So he's all like, "What the hell?" And she's like, "I swear, LaShawn is yours, Gary." But he's all like, "I'm outta here."

True story.

Anyway, it's very important that you start talking to your kids at an early age about Sandra Bullock. I know what you're saying: "Sandra Bullock? The chick from SPEED? So what? Why would I need to have a talk to my little Jennipher about her?" Unfortunately, as the parent of a girl, it may already be too late. Studies have demonstrated (though not certifiably proven) that girls have a genetic predisposition to Ms. Bullock. In these studies, equal numbers of women and men are shown movie listings containing a film starring Ms. Bullock, and 778 out of 1000 times, women choose the film she's in. Men, conversely, flipped over the listings to try and find score from yesterday's Mets game. Then the women take so long getting ready that they miss the 7 o'clock showing and have to go to the 9, which is sold out, meaning that they wind up seeing some Ashton Kutcher movie where he acts like an oafish dope and accidentally marries Queen Latifah, and everyone goes home disappointed.

Someone must seeing these movies, however. MISS CONGENIALITY 2 has made, to date, some $50 million domestically, which, at current ticket prices, means that some 3,261 people have seen it. Recent demographic studies suggest that these people are upper-lower class to mid-middle-class, high school-educated, albino, white-collar criminals working in the hotel/theme restaurant industry, 87.6 percent of them women.

Which brings us back to the question of why exactly one should warn one's children about Sandra Bullock movies, particularly if one's children have skin pigmentation, what with so much disturbing, non-Bullock fare out there, much of it starring Canadians. For the answer, we need to take a closer look at one of her movies, specifically, any one of her movies with the number "two" in the title: TWO IF BY SEA, TWO WEEKS NOTICE, SPEED 2: CRUISE CONTROL, MISS CONGENIALITY 2: WHY GOD, WHY?

On its face, TWO WEEKS NOTICE would seem to be the least offensive of the bunch, and not actually blatantly unnecessary. Which is precisely why it is so insidious. Ms. Bullock stars as wacky, free-spirited lawyer Lucy Kelson, whose job seems to consist largely of annoying construction crews and getting arrested (nice work if you can get it), which puts her in the path of mega-rich real estate developer George Wade, played by Hugh Grant, who spends his days making random, irrational decisions like hiring people he barely knows to run his legal team and offering his wife more money than she's asking for in the divorce, thus fulfilling both of their minimum romantic comedy requirements for quirkiness.

Unfortunately, the movie doesn't stop there, loading them both up with so many personality quirks that neither one could operate in the real world without heavy medication. Bullock orders massive amounts of food when she gets upset, which is just about all the time, and Grant is unable to make a single decision on his own, resulting in a scene where he calls Bullock out of a wedding where she's the maid of honor because he is unable to pick out his own clothes. Then he spends six hours washing his hands and fills up his closet with jars of urine. Okay, they didn't show that part, but it wouldn't surprise anyone to learn that he did.

Anyway, these two borderline lunatics slowly realize that they were meant for each other, or, more accurately, realize that no one else could tolerate them, but this being a romantic comedy, want nothing to do with the other. So when Bullock tries to quit, Grant won't let her, and when Grant starts seeing other flakes sluts lawyers, Bullock tries to distract him by performing awkward physical comedy.

Then Hugh makes a big emotional speech in which he compares Sandra to an old, condemned building, the music swells, everyone gets teary eyed, and... she rejects him. Well, you would too if someone else insinuated that you were decrepit and had decaying structural elements, accurate though that statement may be. He leaves, dejected, but, realizing that she's too damned crazy for anyone else to tolerate, Sandra runs after him and... I won't spoil the last two minutes, but it involves a busy crosswalk, a bus, some stolen plutonium, and one of Hugh's company's wrecking balls. It's all very ironic.

Point being, to enjoy crap like this, quite clearly you have to be a raving nutcase, or very, very high. Don't wait. Have a talk with your RyLee or Jodahlynn or Jermajesty about the dangers of Sandra Bullock now. You'll be glad you did.

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