Growing up, who didn’t want to be a globetrotting, master-of-disguise millionaire criminal, seducing exotic women, traveling the world, assassinating the occasional head of state, all the while being pursued by a past-his-prime actor with a ridiculous accent? But then, somewhere along the line, that dream fades, just as "fireman" and "Female Boobie Inspector" did before it, and soon you’re working a miserable desk job, shuffling papers from one empty-headed bureaucrat to the next.

Don’t despair! There’s still time for you to wind up like Bruce Willis in THE JACKAL or Val Kilmer in THE SAINT, eluding the best that law enforcement has to offer, which apparently isn’t much, because you’re able to evade them with a goofy mustache and a fake nose. Do you have the skills for the job, or are you doomed to a life devoid of goofy fake noses and bad accents? Take this simple quiz to find out!

1. Who would you rather be:
A) A cunning thief who steals things out of Elisabeth Shue’s bra?
B) A gruff killer for hire who seduces men at leather bars?
C) Man at a leather bar who gets seduced by gruff killers?
D) Former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage?

2. Your arch-nemesis is:
A) Richard Gere doing his best imitation of the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
B) Kevin Pollack as the Trix rabbit.
C) Richard Grieco with a wicked lisp.
D) A shiny new nickel.

Law enforcement officials regard you as...
A) A menace to all who believe in a lawful, organized society. Also smelling vaguely of ham.
B) A bedtime fairy tale told to fresh meat at academy.
C) Dreamy. Also, a menace to all who blah blah blah.
D) Prone to jaywalking.

Hey, what happened to the numbers?
A) You catch on fast. You’ll go far, Daniel-san.

Pick the nickname most likely to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies:
A) The Beagle
B) The Pastor
C) The Small, Flatulent Chihuahua
D) Richard Grieco

Has anyone ever seen your undisguised face and lived?
A) Yes. Wait, no! Maybe!
B) Just some woman whose ex-husband blames me for the destruction of their marriage and the death of their unborn son, but that’s nothing to worry about, right?
C) Once, but I was wearing a hat.
D) No, but hundreds have seen me with a bad dye job and a really fakey mustache.

Your master plan involves...
A) Assassinating the First Lady with a killer minivan.
B) Seducing a brilliant nuclear physicist who invented a new energy source that can’t possibly work, but who cares? She’s Elisabeth Shue!
C) Posing as a hot dog vendor at a baseball game and not reporting your tips to the IRS.
D) Wait, did you say a killer minivan? Seriously?

You will eventually be foiled by...
A) Lazy screenwriting.
B) Test audiences, who find you marginally less interesting than foot fungus.
C) Nothing! No one can stop the-- Oooh look: a shiny button!
D) Love. Also boobies.

Oh no, you’ve been recognized! What do you do?
A) Slip away undetected into the night. Then into Hardee’s for a Frisco Burger.
B) Put on a bad wig and, using a spotty German accent, identify yourself as Dr. Klaus Von Gergenveltenheimer from the Institute of Shut Up.
C) Start firing recklessly into the crowd, hitting an innocent bystander whose boyfriend vows vengeance, but again, how could that possibly come back to haunt you?
D) Put on a fake nose, tail, and bark like a dog. They’ll never guess it’s me!

Okay... time to find out how you've done. Take a deep breath and scroll down.

Answer Key: If you answered this quiz, sorry, you’ll never be a globe-trotting, master-of-disguise criminal mastermind. Please. Those guys don't have time to take quizzes.

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