0:00: Hi, I’m Bob Clark, and this is the director's commentary for BABY GENIUSES, which I directed. Heh. I guess you figured that out, didn’t you? Okay, so that was the Columbia/TriStar logo you just saw. In case you didn’t notice. Which I suppose you did. Sorry, this is the first one of these I’ve done. Well, I wanted to do one on KARATE DOG, but we just didn’t have the budget for it, I guess. I mean, we had a session scheduled, but when I went to the studio, the doors were locked, and the guard said that I would have to leave the premises or he would "find a new place to keep his nightstick." Well, I wasn't going to stand for that, you know. I said, "Hey, buddy, I was directing Sly Stallone in RHINESTONE when you were still messing in your diapers! I'm here to do the commentary for KARATE DOG whether you like it or not." Hoo boy. He let me in after that. Sure, no one else was there, but I made my point, didn't I?

0:03: KARATE DOG has Chevy Chase in it. He's wonderful. Such a trooper. Oh, and Jon Voight stars as the dog's take-no-nonsense partner, Hamilton. Voight's a real pro. Loves to play practical jokes. He produced BABY GENUISES, you know. Brought me the script way back in, um, 1997. He said, "Bob, you've got to do this script!" I said, "Lay it on me, Jonny!" That's my nickname for him: Jonny. I call him Jonny and he calls me "Tampon." Heh. It's an inside joke. He won't tell it to me, though.

0:05: Okay, so this is Christopher Lloyd. He's such a pro. He was always on time, always knew his lines. Never once complained about my excessive sweating. He didn't much care for Jon's jokes, though. Jon once planted a dead cat in Chris' trailer when he was on the set. Chris did not like that! He said we had to have the trailer professionally disinfected or he walked. So I had some intern drive it a few blocks away and go in with some Lysol and a mini-vac. Good as new. That Jonny.

0:12: Now, look: Dom DeLuise is going to get hit, hit in the nuts here. Well, that's just what it looks like. It's all camera tricks. Those aren't really his nuts. We constructed an entire false set of legs and just had Dom put his head up into the shot. It took us a full day just to shoot Dom getting hit in the nuts. That's Hollywood. Dom loved it.

0:13: I have those legs in my living room now. I use them as a sort of throw pillow/conversation piece. They're real soft. Sometimes I fall asleep in them, and when I wake up, I have to remember why I'm face down in Dom DeLuise's crotch.

0:22: Oh, so for the big scene where baby Sylvester escapes from the secret baby lab, we had to have his parents -- or "Baby Wranglers" as I called them -- stand just off... What? Sweat. It's just sweat. It's called "hyperhidrosis." I know. I know! Well, get a mop then!

0:31: Jon cam up with the term "diaper gravy," you know. He's so brilliant. He and I were walking back from craft services, and he says it just came to him. He grabbed my hand and said, "Tampon, I've got it! Diaper gravy!" So we rushed back to the set and put it in the scene. He's a genius, that Jon. Then when I was talking to the script girl, he slipped a roofie in my drink, and next thing I know I'm unconscious on Hollywood Boulevard, dressed like a Vietnamese prostitute. And I make one ugly whore, believe you me. I mean, I've got nice legs and all, but my upper body...

0:39: It wasn't easy getting the baby to dance like that. It was weeks of training using what they call "electro-genitular shock aversion," which involves electrodes on the testicles. Not on the baby! No! Ha ha ha ha. Of course not! On me! Wasn't really necessary for the scene, it just helps me think.

0:43: Can you edit out the hooker story? I'd rather that wasn't on the track. My lawyer says I can't comment. What? Well, I tend to blab a bit when I get nervous. No, I-- Well, you keep yelling at me about the smell, and I can't do anything about it. Eh? Look, you're not helping! Tell him he's not helping!

0:47: That Kim Cattrall. What a pro. She smelled so nice. I wanted to put her in my trunk and take her home. I asked her out once, but she said she just couldn't handle the heartbreak of dating another man with a severely overactive colon and a gag reflex that can be set off by a light wind. I had to respect that.

0:48-0:54: [Muted weeping]

1:01: We shot the movie chronologically, mainly for the kids. But it also helped me deal with my blackouts.

1:04: Look, you can get a mop or shut up!

1:07: Oh man. Before this scene, Jon started chasing me around the set with that prop gun, yelling at me about owing him some money for picking up my genital herpes medication. Talk about funny. Everyone was in stitches. [pause] Probably not appropriate around all these kids, though.

1:10:Kathleen Turner. What a joy to work with. She never played practical jokes. Nope. Not one. She's just not the type to, say, steal all your clothes, leaving you with only an ill-fitting prom dress to wear to work. Or break into your house for seven days running so she can wake you up in the middle of the night by screaming Pakistani obscenities at you. Or shave racial epithets into your dog. Kathleen Turner would never do that.

1:15: Let me tell you what else Kathleen Turner would never do. Kathleen Turner would never systematically tarnish your name, ruin your career, erode your health and sanity, just so you'll work cheap. She would never leave you directing movies where the high point is a toddler punching a grown man in the testicles. And Kathleen Turner sure as hell wouldn't get you arrested for transsexual prostitution. Like some people. That's all I'm saying.

1:17: I directed PORKY'S! CHRISTMAS STORY! I--

1:18-1:23: [Sustained sobbing]

1:33: Film ends.

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