August 12, 2005
How Famous Movies Would Be Different if Kevin Costner Circa Waterworld Had Starred in Them
GONE WITH THE WIND (1939)
SCARLETT: Oh Rhett, do listen to me. I must have loved you for years only I was such a stupid fool I didn't know it. Please believe me. You must care! Mellie said you did!
KEVIN COSTNER CIRCA WATERWORLD: Grunt.
SCARLETT: I... I never really loved Ashley.
KEVIN: (Fondles her breast)
SCARLETT: I was so glad to see you, I was Rhett, but, but you were so nasty!
KEVIN: Grunt. (Drinks his own urine)
SCARLETT: I wanted you. I wanted you desperately, but I didn't think you wanted me!
KEVIN: Nothing's free in Waterworld.
SCARLETT: Oh, Rhett, Rhett, please don't say that. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for everything.
KEVIN: (Drinks more urine)
SCARLETT: Rhett, Rhett where are you going?
KEVIN: (Throws a small child into the ocean)
SCARLETT: Please, please take me with you.
KEVIN: (Gargles some pee)
SCARLETT: Rhett! If you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
KEVIN: (Hocks a loogie) Dry land is a myth. (Scratches his balls)
[Music swells]
CASABLANCA (1942)
ILSA: But, Richard, no, I... I...
KEVIN COSTNER CIRCA WATERWORLD: You're a fool to believe in something you've never seen. (Scratches testicles vigorously)
ILSA: You're saying this only to make me go.
KEVIN: (Pimps Ilsa to a skeevy-looking sailor in exchange for beads)
ILSA: But what about us?
KEVIN: You talk a lot.
ILSA: I said I would never leave you.
KEVIN: This is my boat. I got it the way I like it. You take up space and you slow me down. (Throws her into the ocean, where she is devoured by sharks)
CITIZEN KANE (1941)
NARRATOR: Xanadu! Stately home of... that one guy. You know, the one with the gills. And the skin that looks like old shoe leather. Yes, the one who drinks pee! Stately home of that guy who drinks pee. Cost? No one can say.
[Camera pulls in on the elaborate mansion, through the gates, past the pool, through the ornate doors, up the staircase and down the hallway, into the bedroom where a decrepit, ailing Kevin Costner circa WATERWORLD lies in his bed, at the edge of death. His breath is shallow. His strength waning, he drops the snow globe in his hand and gasps...]
KEVIN COSTNER CIRCA WATERWORLD: Nurse! More pee!
The Waterworld Variations
WATERWORLD: The future. The polar ice caps have melted, leaving the Earth covered with water.
WATERWORLDWORLD: The future. All of the movies at all the video stores have been rented, except for WATERWORLD. Society breaks down completely.
WALDOWORLD: The future. The world is populated by nerdy men in red and white striped outfits.
WALLYWORLD: Amusement park... of the future! (Closed for remodeling.)
VICE PRESIDENT HENRY AGARD WALLACEWORLD: A world populated by clones of the 33rd Vice President of the United States. Really, really gay.
WORLDWORLD: Not unlike our own world, only more so.
VINEGAR-AND-WATERWORLD: The difference? Hard to say. Costner's a douche in both.
RUNNER'S WORLD: A very boring magazine.
WARRANTWORLD: Big hair and awkward innuendo-filled songs about pastries have overtaken the world. On the plus side, Dennis Hopper and Kevin Costner are nowhere to be found.
TRAPPED-ON-A-BOAT-WITH-THE-GUY-FROM-PRINCE-OF-THIEVES-
AND-FORCED-TO-DRINK-YOUR-OWN-PEE-WHILE-YOU'RE-PURSUED-BY-
DENNIS-HOPPER-FOR-TWO-AND-A-HALF-BORING-ASS-HOURSWORLD: Not a whole lot different from WATERWORLD, really.
Kevin Costner's Answers to James Lipton's 10 Questions on Bravo's "Inside the Actor's Studio"
01. What is your favorite word?
"Monotone." I also like "tedious."
02. What is your least favorite word?
"Spaghetti." I want to punch it in the face.
03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
What is this... "emotion" you speak of?
04. What turns you off?
People. Also, places and things.
05. What is your favorite curse word?
(Kisses James Lipton full on the mouth.)
06. What sound or noise do you love?
The sound of James Lipton moaning in ecstasy.
07. What sound or noise do you hate?
James Lipton asking if he can borrow my toothbrush.
08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Actor.
09. What profession would you not like to do?
Sex dentist.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"Hey, Kevin Costner! We should totally go double-team Lipton."
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