SPOILER WARNING: This column reveals crucial plot points of the third SCREAM film, which, to be totally honest, if you’re still worried about learning them and having the experience of the film ruined, then you owe the world a favor and should have yourself voluntarily sterilized. Or at least be punched good and hard in the jumblies by a dwarf several times. For the good of all mankind. Good Lord, man... the movie's five years old! Get with the times. Wash your hair and leave the basement for once. It's the 21st century. Besides, you’re not missing much. Seriously. The filmmakers may as well have pulled the name of the secret murderer out of a hat for all the sense it makes. And from what I can tell, that's probably just what they did. Either way, what follows is the never-before-revealed original scripted ending to the film, presented here for the first time anywhere. Is it better? Is it worse? You be the judge, you great big pansy.

Ghostface: You're not going anywhere, Sidney. It's time you came to terms with me and with Mother. Maybe you never knew her at all, Sidney.

Sidney: Who the hell are you?

Ghostface: The other half of you. I searched for a mother too, an actress named Rina Reynolds. Tried to find her my whole life. And four years ago, I actually tracked her down. Knocked at her door, thinking she'd welcome me with open arms, but she had a new life, and a new name: Maureen Prescott. You were the only child she claimed, Sidney. She shut me out in the cold forever. Her own son! [Pulls off his mask.]

Sidney: But you're...

Ghostface: Yes. Yes, I am!

Sidney: ...the guy from "Felicity"?

Ghostface: The man who really killed... Wait, what? No!

Sidney: No, you totally are. I'd know that face anywhere. You're Noel!

Ghostface: I am not. I'm Roman Bridger, director, and also your murderous half-brother.

Sidney: Hey, Gale! Dewey! You can stop trying to save me! It's only the whiny guy from "Felicity."

Dewey: [Outside the door] Which one?

Ghostface: Am not!

Sidney: [Faking] Oh no! Please don't kill me, Mr. Guy-Who-Couldn't-Score-With-Felicity!

Ghostface: I did too! In season four, I--

Sidney: There was a fourth season?

Ghostface: Well, yeah. It was only going to be a half-season, but the ratings were so good that they brought us back, and there was this time travel-slash-witchcraft thing, and she decided that she wanted to be with me--

Sidney: Wait, it took a time travel plot for you two to finally hook up? Are you kidding?

Ghostface: Well, no, but--

Sidney: Hey, guys! He had to go back in time to score! Can you believe this guy is supposed to be the great big, trilogy-capping villain?

Gale and Dewey: [Laughing]

Ghostface: Hey, it's a step up from the last movie when they got "Roseanne's" sister!

Sidney: Is it? Hang on, let me take a quick poll. Guys?

Gale: Nope.

Dewey: Gonna go with "no," Sid.

Ghostface: Is too!

Sidney: You're down three-one, Noel.

Ghostface: My name's not Noel!

Sidney: Awww. Gonna cry, baby?

[Dewey and Gale finally find a way inside.]

Gale: He's crying?

Sidney: Duh. He's had four years practice.

Dewey: Four years of crying into his pillow.

Ghostface: I’m not crying! I’m a hardened murderer! I killed all your friends!

Gale: Suuure you did. I’ll believe that when I see it.

Dewey: Did you whine them to death?

Gale: You sure they didn’t take their own lives when they heard that you needed a flux capacitor to score chicks?

Ghostface: Shut up!

Dewey: Aww. Gonna go cryin' to Mommy? Oh, wait, you can't. You KILLED HER.

Sidney: Yeah! Jerk.

Ghostface: [Through sobs] Quit it!

Sidney: Fine, we'll stop. On one condition.

Ghostface: W-what?

Sidney: That you never star in a weepy romantic melodrama where the main attraction is the star's hairstyle.

[Silence.]

Sidney: Well?

Ghostface: F-f-fine!

Sidney: And no more mass murder, either.

Ghostface: Okay. Geez.

[Gale, Dewey and Sidney start to leave.]

Ghostface: [Under his breath] Whatever, "Party of Five."

Sidney: [Turning.] What was that?

Ghostface: Nothing.

Sidney: Thought so.

[They walk off into the distance.]

Dewey: The "Felicity" guy's your killer? Man, whose idea was that?

Sidney: I know.

Gale: But, hey, it could have been worse.

Sidney: How?

Gale: I don’t know. Wally Cleaver?

Dewey: Scott Baio?

Sidney: Dawson?

Gale: John-Boy Walton!

Sidney: Oooh.

THE END

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