Hello. I'm Harrison Ford. Although these days I'm better known for my work with the dangerously undernourished, once upon a time I was the biggest action star in the world. But, as an actor, being incredibly, incredibly successful can get boring, and you start to look for other challenges. Like being less successful. That's why, of everything I've done, I remain most proud of REGARDING HENRY, a wildly unsuccessful movie that introduced to the world the controversial "Get-Shot-in-the-Head-by-John-Leguizamo" self-improvement program. HENRY dared to say that the world would be free of greed, cruelty, and war, if only everyone took just a moment out of their busy schedules to get shot in the head by the star of THE PEST.

Just what can being shot in the head by John Leguizamo do for you? You only need look at my character, Henry Turner, who goes from being a successful lawyer with slicked-back hair to a mentally diminished invalid who uses considerably less gel. But being shot by John can do more than just improve your hairstyle, it can also make you a better person. Instead of doing evil things like earning money and being a lawyer, people shot by John Leguizamo instead find themselves doing more life-affirming things, like buying puppies and going to porno films.

Sadly, having Mr. Leguizamo shoot even just the lawyers in a small state like Rhode Island proved to be a serious logistical problem and a strain on his schedule. Which is unfortunate, because not a day goes by where I'm not approached by rich and powerful men who are so despondent about their pleasant, lavish lives and want to know how they, too, can get shot in the head by John Leguizamo, so they can get on with the puppies and the porn. But I'm here to tell them -- and you -- that not being evil is easy, and also to ask John to please, please stop going door-to-door asking people if they know any lawyers. It's not illegal, man, but it's making everyone nervous.

First, under no circumstances be a lawyer. If you have a law degree, hide it and don't tell anyone. Move far away and get a job as far removed from lawyering as possible. I hear the Sizzler is hiring, but be careful you don't accidentally defend any corporations accused of defrauding the elderly while you're on your lunch break.

Second, well, there really isn't a second thing. You can use less hair styling product, if you like, but mostly it's just the lawyer thing.

I know what you're thinking: Not everyone who does bad things is a lawyer, right? True, but everyone who does bad things eventually needs a lawyer, right? And if all the lawyers were busy eating ice cream and learning to read with their daughters, don't you think that those people would be a lot less likely to do bad things without their lawyers to protect them?

I just blew your mind, didn't I?

So now it's time to test what you've learned.

1. You're a lawyer. Your client, the president of a large, multinational manufacturer of medical equipment, sold millions of pacemakers at discount prices to the elderly before it was discovered that the units consisted entirely of an old car battery hooked up to an alarm clock. He has been hit with a class action lawsuit. You should:
a) Buy him a puppy.
b) Buy yourself a puppy.
c) Buy all of the plaintiffs puppies.
d) Buy all of the plaintiffs' puppies, then sell them back to them at hugely inflated prices.
e) Buy the plaintiffs puppies, then have John Leguizamo shoot them.

2. Whose hair is the least evil?
a)
b)
c)
d)
e)

3. Your daughter is about to start her first day at a prestigious girls' school. She doesn't want to go, and begs you to change your mind. You...
a) Lie to her about how wonderful your first day of school there was. Then drive away as fast as you can.
b) Threaten to gel her hair back if she doesn't shape up.
c) Ignore her complaints. Buy her a Porsche.
d) Screw her. Buy yourself a Porsche.
e) Yeah, I'm totally sick of her whining. I earned that Porsche.
f)

4. Your wife is having an affair with your firm's senior partner. In retaliation, you decide to...
a) Buy a puppy, tell her you'll totally clean up after it and walk it, but then make her do all the work.
b) Have an affair with a puppy.
c) Have an affair with
d) Who cares? I've got a Porsche!

If you answered anything to any of these questions, I'm sorry, but you've failed. Clearly, all of these questions involve being a rich, high-powered lawyer, and rule number one was Don't be a lawyer. So, I'm sorry, but John Leguizamo is going to have to shoot you. It's for the best.

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