Let's not mince words: The Tim Allen/Kirstie Alley vehicle FOR RICHER OR FOR POORER is easily the worst of the already crowded rich-guy-and-his-wife-hiding-out-amongst-the-Amish genre. Worse than Jim Belushi's BARN RAISIN', worse than Jamie Kennedy's PLOWED, and, yes, even worse than Method Man and Red's YOU BE BUGGIN'.

FROFP (or "Frofup" as it's known among industry insiders) tells the story of the fabulously wealthy Sextons, whose marriage is on the verge of collapse when Brad is framed for embezzlement by his crooked accountant and forced to star in crappy movies about the Amish. You know what happens next: Kirstie falls down in various poop, Tim befriends a horse, the Amish kids learn a whole bunch of new words... It's basically "Green Acres" without the cute pig. (Rest in peace, Ms. Gabor.)

Still, somewhere, hidden inside Frofup like Michelangelo's "David" inside a block of marble is a good movie waiting to get out. The filmmakers just sculpted a squirrel instead of a hot stud. What would that good movie go like? Maybe something like this...

In a world... where a movie studio has recklessly covered the world with movie premiere searchlights and launched its logo into space...

...one man...

...must face... his greatest fear...

Fortunately, Bob Trentman has an ace up his sleeve. By day, he's just an ordinary accountant...

...but by late afternoon, he dons his mask to become...

...Señor Skippy, scourge of the Mexican Underworld!

Fortunately for Mexican criminals, Bob lives in New York City. With his free time, Bob and his wife, Rebecca Howe, attend lots of fancy social functions, like this lavish celebration of the metric system...

...which is ruined by Rebecca's rampant incontinence.

What happens when Bob gives up his cushy accounting job to become a cab driver?

Not much. And so they head for the country to visit Rebecca's distant cousins, the Yokels.

"We like pie."

But... when Bob hears the rumors of Great-Uncle Pappy's hidden stash of gold, he hatches the craziest scheme these folks will ever see. All he needs is a good horse, a plow, and six pounds of PCP. But can he get the PCP before the sheriff...

...catches on?

Meanwhile, Rebecca's incontinence has reared it's ugly head again... at the worst possible time! The head of the local zoning council is over for dinner, and he's going to decide whether the Yokels can keep their farm. But where's Bob?

"What do you mean, you can't get me six pounds of PCP until Thursday?"

Meanwhile, Rebecca has her hands full with Sam, who needs her to marry him by midnight so he can get his inheritance from his grandfather! Looks like she'll be tied up until Friday, which means it's up to Bob to hitch up Ol' Scratch and start searching...

Uh oh! Looks like Ol' Scratch doesn't take to angel dust, Bob!

Later that night, the town holds a charity reenactment of Sylvester Stallone's arm-wrestling epic OVER THE TOP.

Then Rebecca holds a Wife Auction to raise money to pay the taxes levied on the Yokel's farm.

There are no takers.

With only four hours to go before the taxes are due, Bob and Scratch valiantly continue their search.

Oh no! It's too late. The Feds have come to foreclose! Was the legend of Great-Uncle Pappy's treasure a lie?

Everyone is sad, except for Rebecca, who is thinking about ham.

But wait... what's this?

Sheriff Gary to the rescue!

And the Yokels were the happiest they've ever been.

The End.

There you have it. A better movie than FOR RICHER OR FOR POORER. I mean, sex... drugs... Gary Coleman! What more could you want?

...

Don't answer that.

Next week, awful historical dramas. Send your suggestions now!

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