Look up "spunky" in the dictionary, and you'll find a picture of Ashley Judd.

Wait, what? I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. Obviously she's not. How useless would that be? I don't know about you, but when I use a dictionary, I want definitions, pronunciations, and maybe the occasional woodcut of a buffalo nickel or Harriet Beecher Stowe, not pictures of Judds. Not even Judds in bikinis. Because, let's be honest, as appealing as that can sometimes be, it just isn't going to be very useful in for vocabulary purposes. There are only so many words that can legitimately be described with photographs of Judd family members, such as "down-home," "earthy," and "bikinilicious," but once you get to "mytacism" (incorrect or excessive use of the letter M), a Judd-based dictionary really starts to show its limits.

Oh, sure, I suppose if you allowed Judd Nelson, you might extend your reach into concepts like "whatsisname," "underemployed" and "currently seeking representation," but really, isn't the whole thing silly enough? I say so, especially when you consider the possibility of Mr. Nelson in a bikini.

So forget what I said about the dictionary. I'm not sure what came over me. Still, while she won't be appearing in any reference materials anytime soon, Ms. Judd is definitely one spunky number, and she's parlayed that surplus of spunk into a lucrative career playing women who would otherwise be relegated to Lifetime TV movies with titles like "'Til Death Do Us Murder: The Doris Castleton Story" and "A Stranger's Panties." These are women whose husbands only want to frame them for murder so they can settle down with a nice bi-sexual stewardess and get on with their lives. And, really, is that so much to ask?

Well, at least according to Ashley, it is. I guess once women became "feminists," got "liberated," and no longer wanted to be considered "property," we men just had to kiss our dreams goodbye. Take Ms. Judd's "thriller" HIGH CRIMES. All her husband wanted to do was join the Marines, commit mass murder, go AWOL, assume a new identity, hook up with a high-powered attorney, and start makin' babies, but nooo. I guess that's too much to ask for, according to her highness, Princess Ashley. And the U.S. government. Whatever. Details schmetails.

And so, with her husband in military jail awaiting trial and everything she thought she knew a lie, Ashley finds herself running dangerously low on spunk. On the plus side, her last name is now apparently Chapman instead of Kubik, which I'm pretty sure is Russian for something filthy that teenagers do to farm animals. Again, you'd think she'd be happy. And, again, she's not. Women.

Hubby swears he's innocent, though, and not out to hook up with a stewardess, bi-sexual or otherwise, so she agrees to defend him. Totally out of her element in military court and fearful that Jack Nicholson might come along and tell her things she can't handle, she hires disgruntled lawyer Morgan Freeman, who, from the look of his hair, appears to be trying out for the title role in "Buckwheat: The Final Years."

Freeman and Judd embark on a risky defense strategy that involves alternately being beaten up and getting totally lucky. A different legal team might have relied on more "traditional" tactics like using precedents, arguing the merits of the case, and not insulting their judge to his face, but these two aren't afraid to "think outside the box." Sure, while they're going to strip clubs and luring soldiers into hotel rooms with hookers and booze, Ashley's husband is most likely giving a rubdown to some guy named Thor, but hey, he must have known this was a possibility when he married someone so spunky.

I don't want to give anything away, but the Freeman/Judd legal team thinks hubby right out of his box, and just in time, too, as Thor was gearing up for prom season. All would be well and good, only HIGH CRIMES still has a half hour to go. Anyone who's seen Meredith Baxter Birney's groundbreaking turn in "A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story" (and who hasn't) and its epic, flawed-yet-still-moving sequel "Her Final Fury: Betty Broderick, the Last Chapter" knows what happens next...

I shut it off.

E-MAIL THE AUTHOR | ARCHIVES