It's Christmas time again, and you know what that means: Time for the annual soul-deadening slog to Target to vainly guess at random which completely unnecessary gifts that people you know will want, most of which are probably out of stock or falling apart or only available in a completely inappropriate size (the gifts, not the people) because hundreds of other people are buying exactly the same thing for their "loved ones," nearly all of which will be returned after the holiday and exchanged for something else that they genuinely want. Again, the gifts, not the loved ones, but nice try.

Yes, Christmas is a magical time filled with traditions, of which dragging yourself to a department store during inclement weather to spend money you don't have is but one. Tradition comes from the Greek word "Trados," meaning "rituals you force on your kids because that's what you had to put up with, by golly." (I think it's also the name of that packing-peanut magnate Paris Hilton has been seen with lately, a subject that Webster's has surprisingly little to say about.) And, apart from awful sweaters featuring crocheted forest animals, few holiday traditions are as widespread as the Christmas movie.

Easily the most popular Christmas film of all time is IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, starring Jimmy Stewart as a man who contemplates suicide when he realizes he's married to Donna Reed. Everyone old enough to count to five knows what happens next, if only because the movie was played upwards of 15 billion times in the 80s, which is quite remarkable when you consider that they only had 60 channels back then, and Ted Turner owned all of them. But we TV-starved masses were just happy to have something to watch at 2 AM other than test patterns and televangelists with disturbing wives, and so we watched whatever ol' Ted wanted us to. If that meant watching Jimmy Stewart for a month solid, then so be it.

These days, though, Ted has loosened his grip on the airwaves, and we now have as nearly an infinite number of Christmas movies to choose from, although several of them star Tom Arnold. If you accidentally watch one of those on two consecutive Christmases, it would officially become a tradition, so tread carefully. As a public service, I have personally verified the following Christmas films to be 100% Tom Arnold-free:

A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983): This is the heartwarming story of a grade-school boy's stop-at-nothing quest to own a firearm. In spite of its fuzzy, family-friendly image, the film was actually written and produced entirely through a generous grant from the Smith and Wesson Corporation.

A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS (1965): As everyone knows, this is the true story of the plight of the Guinness World Record-holder for "most out-of-proportion head," and his friends, who coincidentally also have massive, abnormally shaped melons. Naturally, they are shunned by their peers, and adults, so revolted by the appearance of these freaks of nature, will only speak to them with their mouths covered in horror and their heads turned away, leading to a muffled, "mwawahwah" sound when they speak.

SANTA’S CRAZY GAY SEX ORGY (1992): Why anyone at Paramount thought this was a good idea is beyond me.

MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET (1947): Oh, sure, when some old guy tells people he's Santa Claus, they make a movie about it, but I tell a few people I'm Jesus and I get chemical castration and a restraining order...

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS! (1965): This brilliant, beloved Christmas masterpiece was later remade as a crime against humanity starring Jim Carrey. The update went on to become the highest-grossing film of the year, proving once and for all that all humanity deserves to be launched into the sun.

RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER (1964): Another tale of freakish outcasts from society, this show was such an immediate hit that the producers immediately commissioned a sequel, which revealed the true story behind the title character's red nose. RUDOLPH'S MALIGNANT TUMOR, which aired the next year, attempted to teach children a valuable lesson about the dangers of radiation, but failed miserably.

There you have it, kids: disfigurement, delusions, and suicide attempts. Enjoy the season!

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