Are you stuck in a go-nowhere job? Are you not dating gorgeous Hollywood actresses, going to fantastic parties, and making millions of dollars, just for being yourself? You're not? What if I told you there was an easy way to make all those things happen, almost overnight? Hi, I'm Dominic Sena, director of the "hit" films SWORDFISH and GONE IN 60 SECONDS, and I'm here to tell you that you can have all those things AND MORE, just by becoming an action movie director! No, really. Hey, I have a severe drooling problem, and if I can do it, you can, too!

So you're probably thinking, "Great! I'll start today!" Well, hey, slow down there, cowboy. Ten years ago, maybe you could walk in off the street and produce a tense character drama that sprinkled in a few car chases and fistfights, maybe an underwater knife fight, but audiences these days are more sophisticated than that. Your characters can't just get in a fistfight, they need to get in a fistfight in a minefield... during a hailstorm! That underwater knife fight needs to happen during a shark feeding frenzy... and then some polar bears show up! Nazi polar bears!

You see, audiences have seen car chases, explosions, and gun fights over and over again. You need to give them more, like gun fights inside of an exploding car. This is what I like to call the "Not Only" school of filmmaking: Not only is the hero in a car chase inside of an exploding car, but people are shooting at him! This technique is all over my latest film, SWORDFISH. You might remember it as the movie that Halle Berry was topless in, but didn't win an Oscar for. See? Not only was Halle Berry in it, playing Ginger, an attractive, intelligent computer expert who may or may not be a double agent working for the DEA, but she also shows her jigglies, in a non-creepy scene that doesn't involve Billy Bob Thornton!

Got the hang of it? Good. Now, I'm going to throw some Not Onlys from SWORDFISH at you, and let's see if you can pick the correct topper.

NOT ONLY is John Travolta playing a bank robber on a quest to steal billions from the U.S. government, but he's...
a) also a multinational terrorist!
b) a government agent posing as a multinational terrorist in order to get money to fight multinational terrorists!
c) posing as a government agent posing as a multinational terrorist in order to get money to fight multinational terrorists!
d) got a soul patch.

NOT ONLY is Hugh Jackman the best hacker in the world, but he's...
a) just out of prison and trying to get custody of his daughter back from his alcoholic ex-wife, who is married to a porn producer..
b) went to jail for a crime he didn't commit: robbing the Bank of Hanoi, so that-- wait, a porn producer versus a superhacker ex-con? Man, there's a custody trial for you. Hello, Court TV!
c) has an unfortunate man-crush on Tom Selleck.
d) surprisingly well tanned.

NOT ONLY does Travolta order Jackman to hack into the Department of Defense mainframe in 60 seconds, but Jackman also...
a) has a gun to his head.
b) is getting pleasured by a beautiful girl named Helga.
c) is being chased by polar bears.
d) is forced to sign the contract for KATE AND LEOPOLD 2: GOLD RUSHIN'!

NOT ONLY is Halle Berry a government agent, but she's also...
a) double crossing Travolta and triple crossing Hugh.
b) triple crossing Travolta, quadruple crossing the government, and sextuple crossing Hugh.
c) topless.
d) topless. And a man.

NOT ONLY does Travolta escape from the bank robbery in a bus filled with hostages rigged with explosives, but the bus...
a) is picked up by a helicopter and flown to a rooftop, where a helicopter is waiting.
b) is picked up by a helicopter, but has to stop every five blocks to let someone on.
c) is full of angry, racist polar bears.
d) will explode if Travolta underplays his character.

NOT ONLY does the bus land on a rooftop, but...
a) it is immediately added to the Northwest Airlines fleet.
b) when Travolta tries to escape in his waiting helicopter, Hugh blows him up with an awfully convenient rocket launcher that just happened to be lying around.
c) Travolta evades capture and prosecution by cleverly dying his hair blonde.
d) the audience left about an hour ago, after the topless scene.

All right, lets tally those scores. Give yourself a zero for every A, B, C, or D that you answered. Sorry, but any action movie director worth his salt knows that the answer is always "e) All of the above." Better luck next time.

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