Whoever said "You can never be too rich" clearly didn't know about the burgeoning business of monster litigation. In this exciting new area, people just like yourself have opened the door into one of the most lucrative and fastest growing fields out there, and they almost never get ripped limb from limb! That's right: The monster-related law industry now boast a 50% lower dismemberment rate than the meat packing industry, and is 99% free of swallowings-by-client.

I know you're asking, "How do I get started in this exciting and very rarely lethal profession?" Good question! It helps to know a little history first. You see, prior to World War II, monster law was practically unheard of in the United States. Monsters, or "Creature-Americans" as they prefer to be called, were largely barred from pursuing their grievances in court. Ironically, this kind of exclusionary treatment frequently led to feelings of anger and violent acting out that led to even more situations that could have been avoided through legal action. A mummy facing home invasion by looters claiming to be "archaeologists," for instance, had little recourse but to turn on the thieves and/or curse their offspring.

Following the establishment of legal precedent in Frankenstein v. Wolf Man in 1943, which recognized the civil rights of the undead and the unusually hairy, monsters finally had the option of pleading their cases before a jury of their peers instead of before an angry, torch-wielding mob. (In an earlier case involving Frankenstein, the state argued that the Constitution only specifies a jury of one's peers, but does not specify whether the peers could wield torches if they so chose. The judge allowed it, but the practice was abandoned when disagreements arose over who should supply the torches, where they would be stored, and so on.)

Surprisingly, monsters did not immediately flood the courts with lawsuits. Very little monster-related activity was seen in post-war America, aside from a trio of increasingly frivolous cases brought against Frankenstein, the Invisible Man, and the Mummy by known grifters Louis "Lou Costello" Cristillo and William Alexander "Bud Abbott" Abbottoni. The two men alleged mistreatment, assault, battery, and emotional dis-aaah-dis-aaah-distress incurred during fright-induced wheezing. Unfortunately, the pair's insistence on retaining the legal services of Hoo, Wuht, and Idunno led to repeated arguments over which lawyer was serving as first council, and the cases were thrown out.

Though the Fifties was relatively quiet for monsters in American courts, international monster law got a thorough working over by one of the most litigious monsters ever: Godzilla (real name: Gary D. Ziller). In spite of having single-handedly destroyed some of Toyko's most admittedly flimsy districts several dozen times over, the giant lizard filed countless lawsuits in international courts (often filing the same lawsuit in multiple countries under different names) against giant moths, giant lobsters, even giant mechanized versions of himself. These suits were often thrown out on the grounds that it is difficult to argue that one has been wronged while one is in the process of demolishing a major city. Godzilla, for his part, argued that he was merely exercising his right to bear nuclear breath.

While all this was going on, two notable lawsuits pushed the very boundaries of the law. Facing invasion by a fleet of vicious aliens, Earth responded the best way it knew how: Suing the pants off of them. In the resulting case Earth v. Flying Saucers, the, prosecutors alleged that the saucers in question literally violated the 1798 Alien and Sedition Acts. The aliens, for their part, argued that "beep beep, beep beep beeep." The judge disagreed and the aliens were sentenced to 1.8 billion hours of community service.

Two years later, in Earth v. Spider, the, every single man, woman, and child on the planet once again filed suit, this time against a gigantic arachnid who was alleged to have attacked a high school gymnasium. The defendant, citing the entire population of the planet acting as the plaintiff, argued unfair persecution. And besides, he was a spider, what did they expect? Also, he was drunk. The spider was ordered into rehab, and the case was thrown out.

Monster law has improved considerably since then, becoming the exciting field it is today. Many of today's monster law professionals were inspired to join the field following the infamous Hulk v. Puny Humans trial, in which the Hulk insisted that all physically inferior humans made him angry, and demanded that said people leave him alone, or he would smash them. Eventually, the judge threw out his lawsuit, citing Hulk's failure to speak in the first person. More recently, two high-profile trials, Freddy v. Jason and Alien vs. Predator, both ended in draws, stupid, stupid, pointless, boring draws that could have been avoided had the participants had better lawyers, or, indeed, the advice of someone who wasn't addicted to paint thinner.

As you can see, the field needs you now more than ever. What are you waiting for? Call today!

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