ANVILLE - Following a brutal home invasion led by a character described by witnesses as a six-foot-tall man with excessive body hair and extensive plastic surgery, the city of Anville has learned the true meaning of fear. The creature, said to look like a horrible genetic hybrid of Joan Rivers and a domestic cat or possibly a lynx, is reported to have entered the home of single mother Joan Walden while she was at work and forced her children, Conrad, 11, and Sally, 9, to endure 82 minutes of sheer terror and bad comedy, which investigators believe culminated in the ingestion of a number of high-grade hallucinogens and the performance of sub-par musical numbers.

"I have to say, I have to admit," said Ms. Walden, an employee of Humberfloob's Real Estate LLC, "when the cat entered my home, I did not like it one bit. If he comes back, if he is that dim, I own a taser and I will [use said device to shock the invader repeatedly until he defecates.]"

Anville Police Commissioner Daryl C. Fumberflibble says that the break-in at Ms. Walden's is not an isolated incident, with records of the man-cat's gang entering an untold number of homes in the area. Says Fumberflibble, a 20-year veteran of the Anville PD, "He comes with a gang, he enters with many: as little as two, or as much as twenty. Not at first, though, not right away; he enters alone, that much we can say." Having gained entry, usually by preying on the trust of unattended children in the home, the suspect is then joined by a gang of vicious, hyperactive albino dwarves, called "Things."

The Thing Gang is well known to law enforcement officials, as their membership has exploded in recent years and spread to major metropolitan areas like Los Whoville and New Yopolis, where they frequently clash with the Mulberry Street Crips and the Sneeches. These incidents mark the first significant rise in albino dwarf gang violence in Anville since the 1980s.

Although Commissioner Fumberflibble would not release details, not even a dribble, some information about the children's ordeal has made it out to the public. A neighbor, identifying himself only (and repeatedly) as "Sam," said that, in addition to the aforementioned musical numbers, the young Waldens were made to endure cross-dressing, rude and obscene jokes, explosive flatulence, the flagrant abuse of a pachyderm, an unfortunate infomercial skit, and the complete career disintegration of a Baldwin brother.

The neighbor also made allegations of forced consumption of off-color dairy and pork by-products, but as of press time, this has not been corroborated.

One unusual detail of the crime is that, although the suspects did considerable damage to the Walden house, it was repaired fully just prior to their departure. Police are puzzled by this conduct. "We're puzzled," said Fumberflibble. "We're puzzled, I say. We're quite puzzled as to why... the cat would behave in this way. We have not a clue, we have no suspicion. We must learn just why, we have made it our mission."

Other neighbors claim to have had encounters with the cat-man. Clement Clark Moore of nearby Troy said that he had a run-in with the creature one recent evening. "Out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter," said Moore. "When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh, and eight sexed-up stewardesses. They forced themselves on me, and tore up the house, them and the cat. Yes, they did."

Moore's claims seem highly suspect, however, owing to revelations of a messy ongoing divorce.

Ms. Walden remains shaken up, and has taken a leave of absence from her job at Humberfloob's to stay home with her children. "I just can't go back. I just don't see how. With that cat on the loose, I must stay here now." Her income is unlikely to suffer, though, as she has already signed the book and movie rights to Random House and Dreamworks, respectively. Strangely, both companies plan to portray this shocking story of kidnapping and violence against children as a comedy.

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