February 10, 2006
Michael Bay: A Future Career Retrospective
Even given the twin disappointments of 2005's THE ISLAND and his follow-up, TRANSFORMERS, which was not, as fans had hoped, a large-screen adaptation of the beloved cartoon series from the 1980s, but rather a 6-hour documentary about power company workers who get sex change operations, the general public can be forgiven for not anticipating the THE ROCK director's sudden shift into adaptations of classic literature. And yet, in 2009, audiences suddenly found themselves watching MICHAEL BAY'S MOBY DICK...
Captain Ahab (Nicolas Cage) arrives on the deck of the Pequod, a 200-foot yacht packed to the gills with Playboy Playmates. On the run from the mob, he is dressed as a German prostitute. A deck hand (Steve Buscemi) rushes up to him.
DECK HAND: Captain! The whale! The one that led to you getting comically shot in the ass, we've spotted her!
The camera slowly zooms in on Ahab's eyes. He gives a steely gaze and says...
AHAB: Arm the nuclear warhead.
Audiences were suspicious yet curious, and the film was a modest success, even earning an Oscar nomination for Alicia Keys' stirring theme song, "Love Harpoon." At Elton John's Academy Awards party, Bay, wearing a lovely Vera Wang gown, announced that his follow-up, MICHAEL BAY'S SENSE & SENSIBILITY, would reunite him with his BAD BOYS I and II stars, Martin Lawrence and Will Smith.
Half-brothers/undercover cops Leon (Martin Lawrence) and Mario Dashwood (Will Smith) are in drag as "Elinor" and "Marianne" in Joob, a flashy Miami dance club owned by "Dead Ed" Ferrars (Billy Bob Thornton).
ED: Ladies, I have some... business to attend to.
He picks up a metal briefcase with a bright red "Biohazard" sticker on it and motions to the Bartender (Steve Buscemi).
ED: Bartender! Two Sex on the Beaches for the sexiest "beaches" around! (leaves)
BARTENDER: Comin' right up!
ELINOR: I can't believe you agreed to a double date...
MARIANNE: Do you want to catch the man who gunned down our father in that guns-for-rare-African-ruby deal or not?
ELINOR: It's just... this thong is riding up. And I think I have the runs.
MARIANNE: Oh, I did not need to hear that.
ELINOR: I have a sensitive stomach.
MARIANNE: I'll give you a sensitive whuppin', if you don't shut up.
Just then, they see Ed escaping in his Hummer. Elinor and Marianne draw weapons and shoot wrecklessly through the crowd at him. Just as Marianne gets a bead on him, Elinor passes gas loudly, distracting his partner.
MARIANNE: (fanning the air) DAAAAMN!
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The film opened at number 1. Bay, eager to cash in on the success, filmed his next two projects back-to-back as a cost-saving measure. (He believed, mistakenly, that he would only have to pay Buscemi one salary if he filmed the projects simultaneously.)
MICHAEL BAY'S ATLAS SHRUGGEDDag (Samuel Jackson) is holding a gun to Atlas' (Steve Buscemi) head.
DAG: Shrug again. SHRUG AGAIN. I dare you. I double dare you! Shrug one more goddamn time.
Atlas shrugs.
SFX: BLAM!
Six months later, MICHAEL BAY'S 1984 opened just in time for Oscar consideration.
Six masked gunmen, led by Winston Smith (Bruce Willis), drop through skylights into the Party Headquarters and begin firing semi-automatic weapons. They mow down dozens of Thought Police.
WINSTON: I have to reload! Sy! Cover me!
Sy (Steve Buscemi) stands up and pulls the trigger, but the gun jams. He gets pelted with bullets and falls. Winston cradles him in his arms.
SY: It's... up to you, big guy. You have to rescue Julia... from Big Brother! (dies)
WINSTON: SYYYYYYY!
Winston stands and rushes towards a waiting throng of Thought Police, firing angily. One of them fires a bazooka at him, which he dodges, causing the round to head straight for the Policeman who was sneaking up on Winston from behind. We see his eyes widen just before he explodes into a billion pieces.
WINSTON: I guess that makes him doubleplus dead!
Audiences, for whatever reason, reacted coldly to the film, as did the Academy. Bay vowed to "get back to basics" for his next film, MICHAEL BAY'S THE GREAT GATSBY.
At a lavish party, Gatsby (Ewan McGregor) pulls Daisy (Scarlett Johansson) aside.
GATSBY: Daisy, we have to get out of here.
DAISY: What are you talking about?
GATSBY: This, all of this, is a lie. We're clones, Daisy. And they want us dead--
A passing waiter (Steve Buscemi) gets shot.
WAITER: What?! Why? (dies)
George Wilson (Sean Bean) is holding the smoking gun.
GEORGE: I brought you into this world, Gatsby... and I can take you out of it.
GATSBY: That may be true, George, but there's just one thing-- Daisy! Run!
He pulls a grenade from his pocket and throws it at George.
GEORGE: GATSBEEE!
Audiences ate it up. GATSBY was still in theaters when his next film, MICHAEL BAY'S ROMEO & JULIET hit screens.
Juliet (Liv Tyler) is driving in her Hummer, looking for Romeo (Steve Buscemi).
JULIET: Romeo, Romeo, wherefor art thou ass, Romeo?
She hears a thump. She steps out of her car and realizes she's run over her beloved.
JULIET: ROMEO!
Running to him, she steps on a landmine.
Credits.
Unfortunately for Bay, his picture had been beaten to the punch by the Farrelly brothers' DYSLEXEO & JULIET, and everyone knows that there's just no way to beat the combination of Shakespeare and a lead who mistakes words for other words. Distraught, it took three years for Bay to release another film.
MICHAEL BAY'S THE LORD OF THE FLIES
Jack (Ed Harris) has tied Ralph (Nicolas Cage), Sam (Sean Connery) and Piggy (Steve Buscemi) to a tree. He stands before them, gloating.
JACK: And now you fools will see why they call me the Lord of the Flies!
Swarms of flies shoot out of his fingertips. They devour Piggy.
RALPH: Oh my God, you killed Buscemi!
SAM: You bastard!
The film tanked, and Bay was beginning to look like box office poison. Executives begged him to go back to making dopey movies about giant asteroids, but he was adamant (not to be confused with Adam Ant, although you're not the first person to confuse Michael Bay with a popular singer of songs about women's morality).
Bay only made one more film before he died (ironically, he was accidentally brutally murdered by Steve Buscemi), MICHAEL BAY'S THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE. The title confused both critics and audiences, who believed it to be another misguided literary adaptation, which was far from the case:
The Postman (Bruce Willis) rings the doorbell. There is no answer.
POSTMAN: Hello?
He rings it again. Four shots fire through the door. He pulls a gun from his bag and fires back. Nick (Steve Buscemi) falls forward and lands at the Postman's feet.
POSTMAN: Special delivery... sir.
He enters and has rough sex with Nick's wife.
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