In 1979, the boogie had exploded, and the resulting inferno had left disco with burns over 80 percent of its body. A Flock of Seagulls was a mere three years from taking the world by storm. Meanwhile, in Hollywood, Paramount Pictures, seemingly unaware of the impending Seagull invasion, released STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE, which was clearly a rip-off of STAR TREK: THE NON-MOTION PICTURE, a science-fiction television show widely known for its leading man's weekly affairs with unusually pigmented women. The adaptation, in what can only be regarded as a serious miscalculation, substituted an unusually hairstyled woman and extended the TV show's 50 minute running time to a number approaching infinity.

Still, in spite of this, it was a hit. Hollywood, for its part, latched on to the trend of remaking television shows on the big screen like an angry poodle, which, despite their placid-handbag-resident reputation, are vicious, evil "animals," more at home in hell than here on earth, and would gladly see you dead than endure another silly haircut. By the mid-1980s, with the release of MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE and DRAGNET, big-screen remakes had begun a golden age that lasts to this day, and would eventually include such legendary, sure-to-be-remembered-forever fare as STARSKY & HUTCH, BEWITCHED, and THE HONEYMOONERS. The list goes on and on. And on. And, unfortunately, on. In fact, it goes on a little past that, and, just for good measure, goes on another step further. At this point, the list takes a short break, catches its breath, has a Power Bar and then goes on some more.

But, amidst this renaissance of TV remakes, it is easy to forget that, for the vast majority of movie history, things were the other way around: It was television ripping off the movies. MR. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON, M*A*S*H, FERRIS BUELLER... This list, too, goes on and on, eventually catching up to the previous list and asking it why it was talking to his girlfriend back there. The first list asks the second to just take it easy, man, he just wanted to know where the bathroom was, but the second list just totally starts wailing on the dude right there. Did you see it? It was awesome.

Anyway, one has to wonder why Hollywood is missing out on this obvious cash cow. People love seeing their beloved television shows stripped of all but the most recognizable elements, their favorite stars replaced by B- and C-list actors, and shoehorned with more pop songs than plot, why wouldn't they love to see the opposite happen on their TVs, only this time for free? (HBO and Showtime shows not included.)

To get things started, I'll throw out just a few, any of which Hollywood is free to snap up and use, free of charge (plus a nominal "consulting fee," which, after legal fees, hairstylist fees, monkey hairstylist fees, merchandising rights, "chimpanzee levees," bourbon subsidies, co-pays, and infrastructure tax incentives, comes to $3.8 billion and change). Really. They're all yours.

THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE: Call it a prequel, which conveniently loses the whole depressing "main character dies" angle, and change the "Satanic possession" angle to a more family-hour-friendly mischievous imp named Coco, who takes over Emily's body and has her commit wacky, playful pranks on her five attractive, white friends, who hang out in a coffee shop. Get Heather Graham to play Emily and that "Mr. Big" guy from "Sex in the City" to play the smoldering priest and you have a sure hit.

MILLION DOLLAR BABY: Again, lose the whole death angle. Get Tori Spelling to play the Hilary Swank part, and have her enter a Foxy Boxing league, full of hot, wacky boxers. If viewers won't watch to see the cheesecake, they'll tune in to see Tori get beat up.

OCEAN'S 13, 14, 15 (etc.): Every week, Daniel Ocean's (Harry Hamlin) gang gains another member in each episode. Things start to get unwieldy in the fourth season when the group has to figure out how to rob a bank with 87 people.

THE DUKES OF HAZZARD: Only a matter of time, really, until the snake swallows its own tail. As an added bonus, in about three years all the film's leads will be desperate for work, and more than willing to work on TV.

JACKASS: THE MOVIE: THE SERIES: Speaking of being hit in the testicles, this will be just like the old TV show, only now it has all the cool of having been a major motion picture. Those kids, what with their MTV and their text messaging, will eat it up.

GUESS WHO: Make it a reality series in which Ashton Kutcher (or, if he's unavailable, another mentally challenged person of similar height) goes home with a young lady of a different race every week, and makes awkward passes at her in front of her strict parents. If things get boring, sic Demi on him.

GET RICH OR DIE TRYIN': A game show in which contestants are asked a series of nine questions, and get shot for wrong answers. Survivors get a recording contract and/or extensive physical therapy.

Admit it: You'd watch.

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