March 3, 2006
Get Smooshed
Movie directors, how many times has this happened to you: You're in a bar, and you've just struck up a conversation with a gorgeous blonde that you're fairly certain isn't a transsexual, and then this happens...
Her: So, it turns out that I'm a raging nymphomaniac with a history of torrid, profitable affairs with directors. But enough about me, tell me about yourself.
You: Ah, well, as it happens, I'm a director. My name is Robert Iscove.
Her: Really? What have you done?
You: Um, my last film was FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY, but--
Her: Is that the time? I have to go home and wash my... vagina.
Ah, the tragic heartbreak of bad movies. How often have you toiled away for two years of your life to create a work of art, the whole time dealing with grumpy writers, temperamental stars, and penny-pinching producers, only to turn around and realize that you've given the world KAZAAM? Too often, right, directors? What if I told you that those days were over, thanks to the patented new miracle invention, the Smoosh-o-Matic©? Yes, with the Smoosh-o-Matic©™, you can make even the worst movie bearable! But how, you ask. How?!?
I'm not telling. So there, Mr. Pushy Pants.
What I will tell you is that the Smoosh-o-Matic©™® is from FlemCo©™®¿, the same quality people that brought you the De-Stalloner 3000©™®♥ and the Ebert-Vac©™®♠∞. FlemCo™ scientists, using technology originally developed for the U.S. Navy for no good reason, perfected the Smoosh-o-Rama™ system that gives the Smoosh-o-Matic©™®♦ its phenomenal power. What does it do? I'll tell you: Smoosh-o-Rama™ takes one bad movie... and combines it with another bad movie. It's so simple that even Joel Schumacher could understand it, and he barely understands toast.
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But to truly grasp the power of this amazing machine, you have to see it in action. So, we'll need two ordinary, awful movies. How about MEET JOE BLACK, starring Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins, and THE TUXEDO, starring Jackie Chan and a young lady attached to Jennifer Love Hewitt's breasts. In their original forms, MEET JOE BLACK is a tedious, bland tale of death taking on human form so that he can spend three hours killing Anthony Hopkins, while THE TUXEDO is the story of a taxi driver that no one can understand who uses a high-tech suit to save the world while being followed by an annoying woman with huge breasts. Put these two movies into the Smoosh-o-Matic©™®, and voila, you get... BLAXI, a wacky buddy comedy about an unintelligible taxi driver and death having to stop Jennifer Love Hewitt! Five minutes in, Death drops a bus on her, and then he and the cab driver go for lattes.
Okay, that was an easy one, I admit, but the Smoosh-o-Matic©™®
is so powerful, it can handle even the worst movies. Here, I'm going to combine Vanilla Ice's screen debut, COOL AS ICE, with Matt "Joey" LeBlanc's baseball-playing-monkey movie, ED. Put it into the Smoosh-o-Matic©™®½ and you get ICED, 90 minutes of Vanilla Ice getting a severe beating from a monkey with a baseball bat. Now, instead of two bad films, you've got the feel-good movie of the summer!
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And it's not just for directors: Thanks to the Smoosh-o-Matic©™®∃ Home Version∝, even plain ol' Joe Homebody can use it, too! Everyone wishes they'd seen all those pretentious Oscar-nominees, but no one actually wants to watch them. Well, with the Smoosh-o-Matic©™®†§, you can see them all in half the time or less! Don't feel like being lectured by George Clooney or watching a big-budget Johnny Cash "Behind the Music"? With the Smoosh-o-Matic©™®←, you can watch Edward R. Murrow shoot amphetamines and have sex with Reese Witherspoon! Who wouldn't want to watch that? Besides Reese's husband, I mean. Ha ha.
The possibilities are limitless: Spice up a Pauly Shore movie by smooshing it with some German midget porn. Smoosh a teen sex comedy with COCOON, and watch Wilford Brimley do beer bongs and make inappropriate blow job jokes!
With the Smoosh-o-Matic©, it's all possible. Order yours today! Only from FlemCo©™® °¢^€*ω!
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