Former Attorney General John Ashcroft once famously observed that, if we didn't already have Ashton Kutcher, we would have to invent him. Sadly, this couldn't be further from the truth, and, in fact, millions of your tax dollars are being directed toward giving the American people a Kutcher-free world, where the general public need no longer live in fear of being "Punk'd," or experience the stress of accidentally seeing the star of DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR pretend to be in love with anyone his own age.

Deep within the Department of Homeland Security's Threat Assessment Complex (DHSTAC) is the blandly named, top secret Bureau of Cultural Variance Adjustment Group for Internal Tracking and Management, Oversight Division (DHSTAC: BoCVAGITaMOD, also known as "Duh-Stack Bock Vagitmod;" "Bockvag," for short). Bockvag has its roots in J. Edgar Hoover's FBI: In the 1950s, the legendary lawman became preoccupied with the potentially disruptive influence of actor/teen idol Tab Hunter, who was a strong advocate for the legalization of carbonated sodas. Before long, a small group of two or three agents became an entire secret department, known as TabWatch, funded entirely through the Bureau's pasty budget. Once Hunter's career cooled off, TabWatch began focusing on other Hollywood teen idols, and their tactics quickly changed from simple observation to more sinister methods, culminating in the 1962 attempted assassination of Dobie Gillis. After the resulting, humiliating Congressional hearings into the matter, the group's charter was radically adjusted. These days, Bockvag exists to "Deprogram, Rehabilitate and Reassimilate" former teen actors into society after they have driven their once-loveable persona into the ground.

Bockvag agents can rattle off an impressive list of successes, a practical "who's who" of once annoying celebrities: Jaleel "Urkel" White now runs a 99 Cent store in west Texas, and only wears high-rise pants on holidays. Skeet Ulrich now answers to "Shauna" and teaches high school civics. Ironically, one of the Coreys (they are, unfortunately, not sure which) manages a driving school. Sadly, though, they aren't all successes: Despite repeated warnings, James Van Der Beek refused to stop acting, and had to be put down.

Kutcher had been on Bockvag's extensive "watch list" for a long time, but didn't truly become a focus for the department until the one-two punch releases of JUST MARRIED and MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER in 2003. "That's when we really sat up and paid attention," says BoCVAGITaMOD's legendary Dr. Ernest Greene, who has successfully reintroduced more Wayanses into the wild than anyone else, and once headed up the department's elite Baio taskforce. Greene says that it was finally obvious that Kutcher had managed to play exactly the same character in every single film and television show he had appeared in. Even worse, these films featured multiple incidents involving Kutcher getting his body parts stuck in things and several dildo-related incidents. Agents knew they had to act. Citing the increased Kutcher threat, DHS petitioned for and received funds to expand the capabilities of the Jonathan Taylor-Thomas Wing of their headquarters, and Greene's team got to work.

Neutralizing an actor, particularly one as visible as Ashton Kutcher, is no easy feat. Fortunately, Greene has a number of tactics at his disposal. First is to get the star into as many "challenging" vehicles as possible. "Audiences will often abandon a performer who steps outside of his established persona," he says, with a grin. "So we worked with his agent to get Ashton cast in as many films where there wasn't a single bodily-fluid-related misunderstanding." By 2004, Kutcher was starring in the dildo-less BUTTERFLY EFFECT, and all appeared to be going according to plan, at least until the actor dropped out of the planned Phase II (in which the actor makes a desperate return to his former persona) picture, a spring break remake of CASABLANCA called CASA BLACKOUT, with Kutcher as Rick-o:

KABLOOIE LOUIE: Ah, man, I can't believe we got the $10,000 to cover the damages!

RICK-O: Damages?

KABLOOIE LOUIE: Yeah.

RICK-O: Kablooie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

KABLOOIE LOUIE: Fag!

Naturally, Greene was disappointed. It's taken his team literally years to regroup. In the meantime, a number of his agents have been diverted to a top secret program known only as "the Dillary Huff Project." Kutcher remains a constant threat, however, and Greene has vowed to remain ever vigilant. "We can't ever lose sight, because if we do, that's when MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER 2 would hit an unsuspecting public. And I don't know that I could live with myself if I had another Tara Reid/Ashton Kutcher collaboration on my conscience."

Neither, one imagines, could we.

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