I don't like LORD OF THE RINGS. I didn't like THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS. I gave it another shot with the TWO TOWERS. Around hour two I walked out. Yup, just plain walked out. Grabbed my bags, my coat and strolled happily out of the theater realizing I have a million other things I'd rather be doing. And you know what? I made it from that Upper East Side theater all the way back to my apartment in Jersey before the end of the movie.

I realize I'm very much in the minority on this one with about 97% of the critics listed on Rotten Tomatoes giving TWO TOWERS a positive rating (that's only 5 out of 209 who were negative). It's obviously not just geeks who like this movie. Friends like it. Girlfriends like it. Parents like it. My pimp Kevin "Smitty" Smith likes it. That crazy old lady who temps in your Human Resources department and talks to herself while she eats her bagged bologna and cheese sandwich for lunch? She likes it. Everyone likes it. Except for me. I haven't felt like this since the girls were allowed to pick their square dance partners in fourth grade.

The first question as I'm accosted by pushy Tolkienites is "How?" followed up shortly thereafter by "Why?" with a few f-bombs peppered in there for good measure. And be sure that they come up in droves once they find out I'm not a fan. It's like telling people you're a Nazi sympathizer. Mouths hanging agape. Eyes bugged out of their sockets. Then the quiet whispers as they wave their friends over to spread the news. Soon a whole gang of RINGS fans are surrounding you, pushing and shoving you around like a pinball. "Why don'ju wan to wear da ribbon?"

To answer the questions of how or why, I usually launch into the following dialogue:

First off, I always mention that I respect other people's love for the movie. That kind of move disarms the violent and eager to harm. Then I go on to explain exactly how I manage to exist being practically the only person alive who can't enjoy LORD OF THE RINGS.

I suppose it all boils down to my not really being "into" the fantasy genre. I don't really dig elves doing elvish shit and people talking pseudo-Shakespearean exposition and all that comes with it. All I can think about is Jim Carrey at Medieval Times - "Dost thou have a mug of ale for me and my mate? He hath been pitched in battle for a fortnight and has a king's thirst for a frosty brew dost thou might have for thus." It just all seems so silly like some bad Renaissance Fair on acid.

But sci-fi movies like STAR WARS are equally as silly, most argue back; at least as silly as a walking, talking giant tree is a walking, talking Sasquatch named Chewbacca. Why do I like sci-fi movies like STAR WARS and not LOTR? To be quite honest I don't really have an answer. Why do some guys get turned on by a Hot Carl while guys like me just enjoy being gagged, chained and locked in a chest without--umm, I'm getting off track here. You like Sam Adams, I like Milwaukee's Best. I like Log Cabin, you like Mrs. Butterworth. Et cetera...

This really is the crux of the problem. Would someone who was adverse to Roman epics have liked GLADIATOR? Probably not, but I loved it. Cause I, like Peter Graves, like movies about gladiators.

Another major problem draws comparisons to another major trilogy released around this time of year, HARRY POTTER. Both POTTER and RINGS were two franchises I knew nothing about and cared to know nothing about. I hadn't seen either movie's first installment but planned on seeing each of the second's based on the surrounding hype. Despite knowing nothing, and I mean nothing, about the series, I really enjoyed CHAMBER OF SECRETS. It won't win any major Academy Awards and it was a bit long in the tooth post-climax, but it was an enjoyable way to spend an evening. More importantly, I never felt like I was missing something. It was the second in a continuous saga of films but I didn't feel completely in the dark.

Quite to the contrary was LOTR. As I said, prior to seeing THE TWO TOWERS I hadn't seen FELLOWSHIP. Mistake maybe, but I read up on the film considerably hoping I wouldn't fall too far behind. Umm, no. I was so far behind I was still on the policy trailer.

At numerous points in the movie there would be some sort of comic relief and the audience would erupt in laughter while I sat there, left eyebrow cocked, looking up at the sky, trying to find the joke that flew way over my head.

Even with a little fact sheet in front of me, I still had no idea what was going on.

And if it makes you feel better, you can go ahead and knock my intelligence because that's usually the first line of defense. Now I'm no Noam Chomsky (yes!) but I don't think I'm I AM SAM either. I graduated college, have a job (or two or three) and have a respectable IQ (as outdated as that is). I just didn't get it. I mean I got it but I didn't "get" it. I guess it all translates back to my not being into the movie. Movies like MEMENTO where I'm really absorbing what I'm watching, I can wrap my brain around all day.

I just couldn't, nay wouldn't, enjoy LORD OF THE RINGS. I suppose as I try to argue my case in point, I find I don't have much of an argument. I can say it was too damn slow but is it really slow to someone who's got a hard-on for Tolkien? No, they're loving every drawn-out minute of it.

In the end I feel strong. I've bucked the peer pressure, stood my ground and I feel good about it. Other people have given in and professed their love for LOTR so they don't feel left out of the crowd (my wife once faked liking SWORDFISH just so she'd have something to talk about with the group afterwards) but I haven't wavered. Maybe it's too many 80s specials like "Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue" that have me saying nope to dope.

In just a few days THE TWO TOWERS may win a Golden Globe or two and in all likelihood will be nominated for a handful of Oscars. So I hate to be the wet blanket pissing on everyone's parade, but I just had to say my peace.

And if you see me at a party, please just let it go. Instead ask me about "24," buy me a drink and we're in business.

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Speaking of The Golden Globes, I was supposed to provide my predictions or handicap on this Sunday's ceremony but my opinion is so worthless (see above) I figured I'd let someone else have a hand - that old prognosticator, my 16-month-old son Indy. (Yes, his name is Indiana and no, he wasn't named after Indiana Jones, the Indianapolis 500 or any of the other suggestions people offer.) While I spent the weekend watching football and drinking, he was hard at work watching screeners and flipping through the trades hoping to get an idea of what the Hollywood Foreign Press was up to.

Backed by a highly scientific computer system which computed data compiled over the past 4 weeks and a complex system that involved crawling on a piece of paper and pointing, Indy managed to make his picks for the winners. Let's see how good the ole boy does (his picks are bolded):

BEST PICTURE - DRAMA
About Schmidt The Hours
The Gangs of New York
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Pianist

FOREIGN FILM Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress (France)
City of God (Brazil)
The Crime of Father Amaro (Mexico)
Hero (China)
Nowhere in Africa (Germany)
Talk to Her (Spain)

LEAD ACTOR - DRAMA
Adrien Brody (The Pianist)
Michael Caine (The Quiet American)
Daniel Day-Lewis (The Gangs of New York)
Leonardo DiCaprio (Catch Me If You Can)
Jack Nicholson (About Schmidt)

LEAD ACTOR - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Nicolas Cage (Adaptation)
Kieran Culkin (Igby Goes Down)
Richard Gere (Chicago)
Hugh Grant (About A Boy)
Adam Sandler (Punch-Drunk Love)

SUPPORTING ACTOR
Chris Cooper (Adaptation)
Ed Harris (The Hours)
Paul Newman (Road to Perdition)
Dennis Quaid (Far From Heaven)
John C. Reilly (Chicago)

SCREENPLAY
Bill Condon (Chicago)
David Hare (The Hours)
Todd Haynes (Far From Heaven)
Charlie Kaufman and David Kaufman (Adaptation)
Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor (About Schmidt)

ORIGINAL SONG
"Die Another Day" - Die Another Day, Madonna, Mirwais Ahmadzai
"Father and Daughter" - The Wild Thornberrys, Paul Simon
"The Hands That Built America" - The Gangs of New York, U2
"Here I Am" - Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, Hans Zimmer, Bryan Adams and Gretchen Peters
"Lose Yourself" - 8 Mile, Eminem

BEST PICTURE - COMEDY
About A Boy
Adaptation
Chicago
My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Nicholas Nickleby

LEAD ACTRESS - DRAMA
Salma Hayek (Frida)
Nicole Kidman (The Hours)
Diane Lane (Unfaithful)
Julianne Moore (Far From Heaven)
Meryl Streep (The Hours)

LEAD ACTRESS - MUSICAL OR COMEDY
Maggie Gyllenhaal (Secretary)
Goldie Hawn (The Banger Sisters)
Nia Vardalos (My Big Fat Greek Wedding)
Renee Zellweger (Chicago)
Catherine Zeta-Jones (Chicago)

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Kathy Bates (About Schmidt)
Cameron Diaz (The Gangs of New York)
Queen Latifah (Chicago)
Susan Sarandon (Igby Goes Down)
Meryl Streep (Adaptation)

DIRECTOR
Stephen Daldry (The Hours)
Peter Jackson (The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers)
Spike Jonze (Adaptation)
Rob Marshall (Chicago)
Alexander Payne (About Schmidt)
Martin Scorsese (The Gangs of New York)

ORIGINAL SCORE
Far From Heaven - Elmer Bernstein
25th Hour - Terence Blanchard
Rabbit-Proof Fence - Peter Gabriel
The Hours - Philip Glass
Frida - Elliot Goldenthal

Check back next week to see how Indy fared against some of the industry's best and most revered predictors.

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