Okay, so I wasn’t exactly in Hollywood this weekend but it didn’t seem right to open with “The Little Old Lady from Pasadena.” Just didn’t have the same ring to it. But yes, I’m back from a particularly exhausting weekend on the West Coast where I was, as alluded to in last week’s column, on some official Poop Shoot business. Now that the business is over and done I can talk a little bit more freely about exactly what I was dispatched to do - chat up the cast and crew of DAREDEVIL.

I flew out to L.A. on Saturday morning and it was a complete whirlwind of a trip from the time my plane landed at LAX. I should also express apologies to anyone who wrote in looking to hang when I came out. There was literally NO time. I was off the grounds of the hotel for only as long as it took to get to the screening, watch the movie and return back. And I certainly didn’t spend my time at the hotel caked in mud with cucumbers over my eyes. There was constant shuffling from here to there back to here now there and back here again.

I only thank God that I decided to forgo packing at least two other junkets (OLD SCHOOL and DARK BLUE) into this already-cramped weekend because I might actually be dead now. (As a side note, I will be doing some OLD SCHOOL-related interviews in the future so stick around for that.)

Not that I’m complaining about my weekend. A trip to L.A., when the temperature was cold and rainy back in Jersey, was very welcome.

Speaking of temperature I noticed how, in L.A. during the winter months, restaurants and hotels put heat lamps outside to keep people warm. Keep in mind it’s about 65 degrees. I’m there frolicking around in a t-shirt and my flowery Jams and native Angelenos are huddled under heat lamps with mittens and scarves. These people have a distorted sense of cold. In fact, everything in L.A. is distorted (in the best, weirdest ways) compared to the rest of the world.

I mean, I know it’s been said before, most notably in SWINGERS, but I’ll say it again. Everyone in L.A. is attractive. EVERYONE. Not just “cute-after-a-couple-beers” but HOT. The girls working the desk at the hotel could’ve been Victoria’s Secret models. It was all very fetishistic as these beautiful girls were dressed in their hotel uniforms calling me Mr. Sampson.

After admiring the……I checked in at the Hospitality Suite and mingled for a little while rummaging through the contents of my goodie bag and spent some time chatting up the producer of the DAREDEVIL video games. I played the Game Boy Advance version for a while and he talked about how they’re still developing the X-Box and Playstation 2 versions.

Walking back to the room, I bumped into Affleck in the hallway and debating making some kind of Kevin Smith/Poop Shoot impromptu discussion but decided against it. I’m always nervous about dropping Kevin’s name in public, especially to celebs, cause I don’t want that kind of thing to get back to him like “Hey Kev, some weirdo writer on your web site accosted me in a hotel lobby yapping about Poop Shoot…” Then it makes Kevin uncomfortable and then he gets pissed at me and then the beatings begin. So I bit my tongue, nodded like a tool and kept right on walking. Besides, me and Fleck would have it out mano y mano in just about 24 hours.

Kept an eye out for Jen (not Garner, Lopez) and Britney but came up empty-handed. My free eye was always on the pool hoping (begging, praying, pleading) for a sunbathing Jen, Jen or Britney, but all I got was an eyeful of man-junk tucked precariously into a tight blue Speedo. Eck.

Oh, for those who aren’t aware, and that may be many of you since I only became aware this past Friday, Colin Farrell is supposedly “dating” Britney Spears. By dating I mean “having dirty sex with” but this is something Colin…well, I get into that next week. In any event, Britney was nowhere to be seen.

As for the movie itself, I can say I liked it better than SPIDER-MAN. Considering that film pretty much set the watermark for comic-book adaptations, I think it’s saying a lot. I won’t launch into a full review of the film but I will say if you’re worried based on the trailers and ads, don’t be. They don’t do the film justice. It’s much better that anything you’ve seen.

Affleck was good -- sometimes great, sometimes okay. Colin chews the scenery like a hungry termite on a fresh piece of oak. Michael Clarke is…BIG. Hands down, the best casting choice of the movie. I firmly believe no one else could’ve played Kingpin.

Now to my two favorites. You’ve heard me, in this very same space, talk about the duality of Jen Garner’s hotness. I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong and…I stand corrected. Not only is she incredibly beautiful in the movie, but a force to be reckoned with as well. I cross my fingers for a possible ELEKTRA spin-off. And in person…whew. WHEW. Absolutely stunning, amazingly down-to-Earth, really beautiful, charming, gorgeous, etc.

Finally I can’t leave without mentioning Jon Favreau. Absolute scene-stealer as Foggy Nelson. There was a group who wanted Sean Astin cast as Foggy but Favs is the perfect choice. Finally, a comic relief that’s actually really funny. What helps is that Favreau wrote some of his own jokes so they match his delivery and don’t feel stilted. Affleck launched into some of Favreau’s funnier stuff that had to be cut, but I’ll talk about that in my full write-up of the junket.

I’m sure you’ve heard the oft-used adjective “dark” when referencing the movie and there’s a reason why that word is used so often – it’s dead-on. It’s dark both literally and figuratively, what with a city of shadows and a (SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!) brutal killing in the first 15 minutes. Here the storyline definitely follows a Frank Miller-esque tone.

The screening was, obviously, filled with a handful of journos but also a whole bunch of fans bussed in from the local comic convention. Mark Steven Johnson was there and nice enough to get up and thank us all for being there and that, while he respected us members of the press and our opinion, he was really looking forward to see what the fanboys thought. Judging by the applause at the end of the film, I think Mark’s got nothing to worry about.

After a post-screening event that included an open bar (nothing like free hooch to make writers more susceptible to the studio’s charm), I strolled back up to my room where I had to fight the nagging urge to order some porn. The devil on my shoulder said, “Fox is paying for the room – go for it!” The angel on my other shoulder said, “Think of your beautiful wife and child at home right now!”

The debate raged on for quite some time with the devil coming very close to winning out. But eventually I didn’t feel right sticking Fox with a bill for my drunken libido even if they claim to not print the title of the porn on the bill. Wouldn’t it raise a flag though when there’s a movie charge for $21.99? That’s right, the porno cost $22. I couldn’t believe it. Maybe it doesn’t say “Horny College Sluts” on the room bill but I think the $22 movie fee pretty much says it all. The potential disgusted face of the aforementioned hottie desk girl as she went over the porno charges on my bill convinced me I should just skip it.

So instead of really expensive porn, I ordered THE RING (hey if you can’t have Jenna Jameson, Naomi Watts is the next best thing). Yes, I was wearing my Bad Idea Jeans. I’ve seen it before and I know all-too-well how creepy it is, yet I felt it was the perfect movie to watch all by myself, in a dark, creepy hotel room after a few beers. I didn’t make it longer than five minutes before I checked out. After all, it was almost 2:00am EST and I was severely tired. Staying up with nightmares of Samara’s face wasn’t in my best interest.

I feel like I’m rambling at a mile-a-minute here but I’m jet-lagged and tired and my computer’s hard drive crashed and I’m closing on my first house and my head is just about ready to explode, SCANNERS-style. So please bear with me.

I really want to say more about this but I don’t want to spoil my big report. I’ll elaborate more on everything I touched upon here next week as I shoot the poop with producers Avi Arad and Gary Foster, director Mark Steven Johnson, Michael Clarke Duncan, Colin Farrell, Jennifer Garner and DD himself, Ben Affleck.

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