I am back to my Bottom duties but hopefully you’re not here looking for some witty Grammys repartee. Didn’t watch `em and couldn’t really care less about `em. Just a sham of a joke of an awards ceremony. When you give someone an award for Best New Artist and it’s considered a kiss of death – not a good sign. And it’s probably a good thing I missed out on chillin’ with Luke and Vince cause I’ve about had it with transcribing. That DAREDEVIL article, while it may not have looked or read like much, was a sonuvabtich to put together. You hear me Affleck?! You hear meeee?!?! So I’m moving on to greener pastures.

Since my work is primarily published on the web—

(Primarily? Only is more like it. Quick aside [probably not the last in this column] – I was once offered an opportunity to see my already-written work published in a well-known magazine for a pretty good sum of cash. Of course it would be too simple if that was all there was to it. The magazine? SWANK. Yes, SWANK. In between layouts of two oiled-up, naked girls kissing with legs akimbo, exposing their hoo-hahs to the entire world, would be my interview with Al Pacino, or whomever. I thought about it…and thought about it…and thought about it. I mean, on one hand, the money was good, especially for a writer struggling to stay afloat, and the deal ostensibly included all the free porno mags I could get my dirty, filthy little mitts on. But in the end, on the off-off-off-chance I someday become successful, I wanted to avoid being exposed on THE SMOKING GUN for the pervert that I am and then having to go through that spiel about how I was young and needed money and etc. Plus, it’s hard enough telling your parents you write for MOVIE POOP SHOOT. Swank would’ve just killed `em. But I digress…)

-- I like to trump up that medium whenever I get a chance. I want to feel like what I do is important here so making the internet out to be something larger-than-life is a high priority of mine. As such, one recurring feature you’ll see here at the Bottom, is a review of the current official movie websites. So I pulled my pants up and dragged myself away from the porno for a few seconds long enough to do some research on the web. Here’s what I came up with.

X2 (www.x2-movie.com)
It would appear as if Fox has spent a considerable amount of money on their X2 website, hoping to up the ante with what Sony did with its SPIDER-MAN site a year ago this time. The money and hard work has paid off with an extensive, informative and dazzling site, highlighted by Stryker’s Mutant Database – a feature that is basic in its concept, but nothing short of brilliant in its execution. The navigation through this 3-D world of files, using a combination of keyboard and mouse, is where the feature truly shines, zipping through mutants and X2 characters like an X-Wing fighter through space. And that’s just one feature on this site. Good to see Fox is spending the time/money to make this site worth a frequent visit.

THE HULK (www.thehulk.com)
If X2 is the MOTLEY CRUE of comic book movie websites, then HULK is the WINGER. I can only hope this is because HULK isn’t due until this June, but, really, is that an excuse? The SPIDER-MAN site was alive and kicking all through production. The HELLBOY site is rocking and rolling and I don’t even think filming has begun yet. There’s just nothing special at all about the design, content or layout of anything at the HULK site. If you’re not going to give us much “real” content, give us some corny little Flash games or something. The only saving grace is the mini-HULK icon that fills up as the page loads. When that’s your site’s best feature, you’re in trouble.

PHONE BOOTH (www.phoneboothmovie.com)
I like what was attempted here with the PHONE BOOTH site but with the added time allotted by the delayed release date, I would’ve hoped for more. It’s one of those “watch and play” sites (for lack of a better term), where you watch a flash animation and direct some of the action with a click here or there that can branch you off into completely different areas. I wasn’t entirely satisfied by the experience but I didn’t feel completely lost either. I did appreciate the “easy out” links at the bottom that allow you to leave the site behind for some more standard information. Be warned though – the site is rather extensive and if you’re just looking to take a glance at work, you’ll miss most of it – and your boss will probably notice the shot of a stripper pressing her boobs up against the titular booth.

THE CORE (www.thecoremovie.com)
Since I haven’t exactly been bowled over so far by what I’ve seen on THE CORE – which includes (SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!) a bolt of lightning hitting, and exploding (yes, , the Coliseum – I didn’t expect too much from the site. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by what I found. A slick design makes browsing through typical fare like images, video and a synopsis a bit more exciting. For those who demand more, more, more from their sites, there’s some fancy scientific info to digest as well as an opportunity to win an Apple iPod through THE CORE Crew Challenge. As the site explains, “The challenge is simple: unlock and collect downloadable tokens in The Core site. Follow the instructions to launch the hidden web page and enter for a chance to win.” If all that’s too much for you, you can always just play classic Pong (click on “Panic!”).

KILL BILL (www.kill-bill.com)
Miramax was smart to start early with the KILL BILL site. The movie isn’t scheduled to hit theaters until October, and Lord knows that can change, but the site is already up and running. There’s not much in the way of content, but that doesn’t always make or break a site, and there’s a surprising amount considering they’re still filming reshoots. I was so impressed I even downloaded the wallpaper and have decorated my desktop accordingly – and I hardly ever download wallpapers. Just be sure you don’t type in www.killbill.com, otherwise you’ll fine yourself at Monocom Software Systems. Why killbill.com is their website is beyond me…

DREAMCATCHER (www.dreamcatchermovie.com)
I like the idea here, but the execution is kinda lost on me. Whether it is or not, this site looks as if it were designed by the same team behind the INSOMNIA site. Unfortunately, where the INSOMNIA site excelled, the DREAMCATCHER site fails. There’s a bubbling coral-like substance that spreads like a virus across the screen (that you’ll soon see in pop-up ads infecting your computer screen promoting this film), occasionally opening up to highlight visuals from the film. It doesn’t quite get across anything substantial in regards to the film – unless, of course, the film is really boring and tedious…

IDENTITY (www.sonypictures.com/movies/identity)
The IDENTITY site wants to be cool; wants to be doing something edgy. But really there’s nothing here. Like the PHONE BOOTH site, I often found myself wondering what I was doing all this work for. Clicking here, clicking there, things flashing…but for what? I tried on three separate occasions to work through this site and I always eventually gave up. I wanted to think this site, promoting an intense pot-boiler of a mystery, was about something; that there had to be something of substance underneath it all. As far as I could find though, there was nothing. I “checked in” the mysterious and generic motel, visited rooms 1-10, clicked on the collective faces of Ray Liotta, Amanda Peet and Clea DuVall to no avail. Maybe I should be further intrigued? Instead I’m just bored.

That’s about it for now. I’m working on some exciting new columns including the rebirth of that long-thought-dead Greatest Interview Ever. And yes, I am aware that the bar was raised after my interviews with the cast of DAREDEVIL. Doesn’t matter. Add Affleck, Farrell, their respective girlfriends in Lopez and Spears, Garner and Duncan all together and it doesn’t equal the talent this woman has in her finger. Did I say woman? I did, didn’t I….

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