I’m sick of CHICAGO, GANGS OF NEW YORK just doesn’t do it for me, never saw THE PIANIST or FAR FROM HEAVEN, not a big LOTR supporter, happily avoided THE HOURS, etc. With everyone predicting CHICAGO would hoard all the trophies, I wasn’t exactly hyped to sit through acceptance speech after acceptance speech praising the “genius” of Rob Marshall and Harvey Weinstein.

Then war broke out and the ICGAS ratings were off the chart. I mean just plain unreadable. For the first time in my life, I found myself agreeing with Will Smith, who opted not to attend. I just think it’s a little tacky in light of recent events. I do think the show should go on, but I personally don’t think I’d want to be a part of it if I weren’t a nominee. If I were a nominee, I’d be there skippin’ down the red carpet with a shit-eating grin on my face, but there’s about as good a chance of that happening as Eminem winning an Oscar. Hey?!…

But besides, with war comes very emphatic personal opinions and with such opinions comes the need to voice said opinions in a public platform making everyone, me especially, squirm. Something about people going off-course at a show like this makes me so uncomfortable and embarrassing. Like when Fred Durst went off on his “agreeance” speech at the Grammy’s. I got douche chills. I think it’s the fact that you can sense the entire production team going into panic mode – directors, producers, stage managers all freaking out in their headseats. Then the inevitable attempts to force that person off-stage. The orchestra begins to play, that nice female usher comes up behind you and places her hand on your back, gently escorting you off-stage. So I was really dreading a Richard Gere or Susan Sarandon, hopped up on tequila shots, going off about the evils of war as the Sandman comes along and sweeps them away from the microphone.

I must say I was also disappointed to hear that host Steve Martin would be emceeing a “low-key” Oscar ceremony and would have to juggle comedy with the drama of real-life. Steve Martin was maybe the one thing I was looking forward to this Oscar year. I thought he did a great job two years ago and the thought of finally having him back and then effectively silencing him seemed like such a waste. If you want a show that’s not supposed to be funny, why not bring back Whoopi Goldberg?

But being a writer that’s hired by a website to talk about relevant goings-on in the movie industry, I was guilted into watching and subsequently reporting. But I refused to go down without a fight. My solution? The magic of TiVo.

I once heard the comparison that TiVo subscribers are a lot like members of a cult -– bump into them at a party and they corner you all night, going on-and-on about the wonders of TiVo and how it changed their lives. It’s true, somewhat –- TiVo owners are a slightly fanatical bunch but, at the risk of sounding like a Jehovah’s Witness, it really can change your life.

Last night I didn’t think I could sit through the whole ceremony, so I set the TiVo for record. After going out for dinner and hanging with the new babe, I finally sat down to start watching about an hour-and-a-half into the show. And the first thing I see is Michael Moore getting booed off stage. Groaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

Back at the beginning, I spent the majority of Steve Martin’s monologue with a smile on my face and a few really good laughs. There’s something about his sense of humor that gets me. Ebert always says that humor is like erotica; it’s all a matter of personal taste. If that’s the case, Martin to me is like “Where the Boys Aren’t 7,” which featured the Monsters of Rock of porno scenes, Jenna Jameson and Janine Lindemulder, going at it. Seems like his humor divided the audience at the Kodak Theater with shots to stars either guffawing or making weird faces. (Affleck for one didn’t seem to be won over by Martin’s J.Lo jokes…) But I personally dug it and I’m glad recent affairs didn’t seem to get in the way of a few good laughs.

I really liked his quip about eliminating the red-carpet arrivals at the Oscar’s saying, “That’ll show ‘em!”

The one race I was legitimately interested in, Best Supporting Actor, was over with rather quickly as Jennifer Connelly (rebounding nicely from last year’s aesthetic train wreck) presented the trophy to Chris Cooper for ADAPTATION. I thought Cooper was fantastic as John Laroche, but part of me can’t help but feel I would LOVED to have seen Christopher Walken’s acceptance speech. (As a sidenote, Jennifer Connelly is pregnant? She seems to want to fight being a hottie tooth and nail. Just go with it Jenny…)

I follow Cameron Diaz almost as closely as I follow Christina Aguilera. Not that I’m genuinely interested in their careers or particularly attracted to either, but something about rich, whacked out blondes acting really bizarre just fascinates me. Unfortunately Diaz’s career is going well so she’s not making nearly as many funky career choices as Aguilera (although THE SWEETEST THING was a step in the right direction).

(If you, like me, have been keeping track, Aguilera’s eventual PLAYBOY layout took a blow as – surprise! – her song “Beautiful” turned out to be a hit, albeit in a cheesy, Lite-FM kinda way. Damn. I guess for know I just have to wait until the Runners-Up on JOE MILLIONAIRE Issue comes out.)

Catherine Zeta-Jones never really registered on my like/dislike radar partly because I never really saw her in anything. I mean if you think about it, has she really been in anything? ENTRAPMENT? AMERICA’S SWEETHEARTS? But I have got to give the girl some credit for getting up on that stage, baby ready to pop out, and belting out that song, looking and sounding damn good. When my wife was that far along in the pregnancy stage she was busy eating heaping plates of spinach and cranberry juice (don’t ask) and certainly not up for a song-and-dance routine in front of millions of people.

Next was the part when I made great use of the fast-forward button on TiVo. Zipzipzipzipzip….commercials….stop to hear Steve Martin tell another joke…….more commercials…. (Speaking of commercials, before I forget, I just want to go on the record as saying how much I like those Pontiac Final Four commercials where they show the last few seconds of some of the most memorable games of all-time. Even my wife, who ranks college basketball very high on the ICGAS Scale, dug em. It’s just fun reliving those moments. Unless, of course, you’re one of the sad sacks from the team who lost, sitting at home and having to relive those awful moments. If they made one of these commercials with the Giants/49ers game, I’d vomit if I had to watch that botched snap one more time.)

Julia Roberts is a pretty big star so I’m surprised they have her handing out the Best Cinematography trophy. Good to see the late, great Conrad L. Hall winning for ROAD TO PERDITION and even better that son, also named Conrad, managed to keep his composure and not start bawling at the mic.

Surprising that we’ve made it this far into the ceremony and no radical anti-war statements. Hey, here’s the award for Best Documentary. Oh wow, Michael Moore won for BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE. Hey, he got a standing ovation. Hey, he’s using his time to rail on President Bush and the war against Iraq. Hey, he’s getting booed off-stage. Hey, I’m feeling a little uncomfortable… Not since the macarena has the pendulum of popular opinion swung back so quickly.

I like Michael Moore (ROGER & ME is one of my all-time faves) but this was just an ill-conceived attempt to protest the war. Things reportedly got heated backstage as some stagehands went off on Moore in a very explicit and profane manner.

Colin Farrell introduced U2 and reportedly jabbered on in a half-drunken slur/half Irish brogue about the war and peace and something else. I fast-forwarded right past it so I’m not sure. When I interviewed him for DAREDEVIL he seemed like his ICGAS Scale was off-the-charts for just about everything. I’m surprised he had something to say about the war. But I guess getting a little piece of Britney Spears will do wacky things to your brain.

Did you ever have a friend who was a really great guy to hang with, watch a football game, drink a few cheap beers, talk about chicks, shoot hoops, whatever? Then he starts dating a really pretty but overly glamorous girl? And you’re happy for him but at the same time weirded out 'cause she cleaned his act up a little too well and all the sudden he’s wearing Armani and drinking Cabernet instead of Michelob?… We’re all friends of Affleck here and I don’t want to dog the man because in person he comes across as an extremely genial, funny, down-to-Earth guy, but his stage persona is just…the complete opposite. Like that ZOOLANDER mug on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. Or the bronzer bath he took before this year’s Oscars.

In this very space not too long ago, I wrote a column detailing how Renee Zellweger was taking over for Gwyneth Paltrow as the “it girl.” Talk about letting it all go to her head. JERRY MAGUIRE Renee was so damn cute it was almost irresistible, but 2003 Oscars Renee is just plain weird. It looks like she’s been sucking on a lemon all day with those pursed lips and squinty eyes. And she’s not moving very naturally. She seems very self-aware of her own movements and comes across looking like “Small Wonder.” Stop trying to “act” all the time; be natural, be yourself, don’t be Renee Zellweger.

Adrien Brody had it right with his speech. I don’t know if he thought about it beforehand but it seemed…right. It was a message everyone – whether you support the war or not – could get behind. Let’s pray for a quick and peaceful resolution to the current state of affairs. That’s it. Seemed genuine coming from a guy who made a film like THE PIANIST and has buddies from Queens serving their country.

A lot of people have been coming down hard on Nicole Kidman and while as a sexual euphemism, that sounds like a great idea, I don’t think it applies to her Oscar speech. So what if she didn’t have anything prepared. Isn’t it a little presumptuous to have this big, long speech prepared because you just know you’re gonna win? I wouldn have done the same thing. Just go in unprepared and hope for the best. Maybe Adrien Brody’s eloquent speech was a little tough to follow but that’s not Kidman’s fault. Besides, she’s hot.

Wouldn’t you know it? All my fast-forwarding caught me up to the live show quicker than I thought. And just at the moment when they’re introducing all the Best Actor and Actress winners one by excruciating one. It’s time for a break to see what’s on Skinemax.

Back to the awards, I was thinking that with the Brody and Roman Polanski upsets, THE PIANIST could be in line for a major upset of CHICAGO as Best Picture…but no. The expected happens and as is often the cast with the awards, I feel dirty and filthy for having stayed up until almost midnight watching this. So much so I spend a few minutes watching ESPN and reading MAXIM in the crapper to help balance this evening out.

All in all, I was saved by the mighty TiVo; otherwise, I’m sure I wouldn’t have survived. It wasn’t nearly as bad as last year (although last year’s Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson “costume design” segment was the funniest Oscar bit I’ve seen in years) but it’s getting more and more tedious every year to watch. Or maybe it's just me getting increasingly more cranky ever year...

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