THE BOTTOM OF THINGS

By Michael Sampson

May 28, 2003

THE PERSECUTION AND ASSASSINATION OF JEAN-PAUL MARAT AS PERFORMED BY THE INMATES OF THE ASYLUM OF CHARENTON UNDER THE DIRECTION OF THE MARQUIS DE SADE. That is the longest movie title in English-speaking history. At least that's what my limited research on the web turned up.

The shortest, I suppose is Spike Lee's X or the "Othello" modernization O, until of course, someone has the balls to release a movie without a title at all.

But in between a 25-word movie title and a one-letter one are all sorts of different ways studios try to set themselves apart, or blend in with, the status quo or otherwise engrain themselves in the nation's collective subconscious.

Titles are considered very important in the industry because a bad title can scare away potential audiences. Think back to THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION, which absolutely bombed at theaters but went on to nab seven Oscar nominations and became one of the top five movies of all-time, according to rankings on IMDB. So producers, directors, studio heads and marketing departments spend countless man-hours trying to decide what their films should be called. They actually test market titles! Poor Cameron Crowe went through about 100 titles on ALMOST FAMOUS (partly because the studio rejected his choice of UNTITLED) before finally deciding.

But as studios get better, and I use that word loosely, at naming their films, along with it comes somewhat of a formula. Certain types of film titles seem to click more with audiences and as such they are used more frequently. Let's take a look at some of the clichés that have turned movie titles tedious.

First, acronyms have become in vogue lately as studios look to dumb movie titles down to cater to the lowest common denominator. The aforementioned research studies have apparently shown the mental capacity of the average moviegoer to be capable of only digesting and retaining information in less than 3 syllables. It has to POP right off the poster at people and slap them in the face with its hipness. There's no way you could forget me! I'm only three letters long!

XXX? X2? MI:2? MIB2? I'll be the first to admit we don't live in the smartest society on Earth, but I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone in these 50 states that couldn't handle X-MEN 2. In fact, you could argue shortening the title to X2 could confuse the simplest mind more so as people get it mixed-up with XXX.

Currently in title limbo is THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN, which at one point was LXG and now might be altered again to THE LEAGUE by the film's August release (keen listeners will notice in the film's trailer, the announcer simply says "THE LEAGUE" over the film's title).

LEAGUE being one example, we haven't seen one reasonably long movie title in the past few years, with titles over four words often cut down. What happened to titles like HAS SUCCESS SPOILED ROCK HUNTER? or DR. STRANGELOVE, OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB? Those titles had personalities all their own but they'd never make it past the script stage these days. Aren't audiences smart enough to nickname a movie title that's long anyway?

Then, for every ten gimmicky shortened title like X2, you get something that slips through the cracks like the laborious LARA CROFT, TOMB RAIDER: THE CRADLE OF LIFE. This includes the bad habit of taking a film and adding a colon with a subtitle that will mean nothing to most anyone. Like PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL. SINBAD: LEGEND OF THE SEVEN SEAS. CHARLIE'S ANGELS 2: FULL THROTTLE. CROCODILE HUNTER: COLLISSION COURSE. The awful ECKS VS. SEVER movie even needed BALLISTIC tagged on to the front it in a last-ditch effort to convince audiences it wasn't going to suck (luckily audiences were smart enough to see through this marketing ploy). And it goes on. In July alone there are six movies being released with a colon and a subtitle (PIRATES and SINBAD are two of those six).

Another problem is taking inventive, creative titles and changing them into something so generic you'd never have any idea what you're going to see; and maybe that's the idea after-all. Take, for example, GIGLI. Say what you will about the upcoming Affleck/Lopex extravaganza, but you've got to give it up for having a title that will have people wondering, "What's this film all about?" The film had its share of - ahem - problems in post-production and one of the fixes was changing the name to the awfully sterile and nonspecific TOUGH LOVE. TOUGH LOVE? Ugh. Thankfully cooler heads at Sony/Revolution prevailed and the title was switched back to GIGLI. But how awful a title is TOUGH LOVE? It just stinks of a movie I would never want to see. I may never see GIGLI but that's for a completely different reason...

This isn't the only film that has suffered this fate. I could go on all day but here's a short list of recent title changes:

SIN EATER became THE ORDER.
ANIMAL HUSBANDRY became SOMEONE LIKE YOU.
THE PLAGUE SEASON became DARK BLUE.
LOOSELY BASED ON A TRUE LOVE STORY became ALEX & EMMA.
MOLLY GUNN became UPTOWN GIRLS.
CHIMERA became GHOST SHIP.
PROTEUS became BELOW.
THE BIJOU became THE MAJESTIC.
I WAS MADE TO LOVE HER became DOWN TO EARTH.
SQUELCH became JOY RIDE.
STEALING STANFORD, SAY UNCLE, STEALING U., THE PROMISE, YOU PROMISED, PROMISES PROMISES became STEALING HARVARD.
WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR became NOT A GIRL became CROSSROADS.
CITY BY THE SEA became MARK OF A MURDERER then went back to CITY BY THE SEA.
HELLDORADO became WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE but will become something else once Universal decides.

Hell, BEETLEJUICE almost became GHOST HOUSE until someone had the sense to say no way, Jose.

Following up on that theme, here's a fun game I made for you. Take any of the words from the left column and add it to any of the words in the right and, viola!, your own movie title. Don't like a movie title? Try renaming it with this handy chart.

Instead of this summer's HOLLYWOOD HOMICIDE, how about FULL CONTACT? Doesn't quite sound right, by why not? Sounds as good as TOUGH LOVE...

Another fun game focuses on another title cliché. Here you take a participle and combining it with a person's name. Like CHASING AMY, FINDING NEMO, REGARDING HENRY, LOSING ISAIAH, SAVING SILVERMAN or SERVING SARA. Just make anything up and it sounds like a movie. How about KICKING CHAUNCEY? CHEWING BETSY? SLAPPING WARREN? SNIFFING OTIS? Movies? Who knows! But it's fun to think of what their plots might be.

What the answer is to all this, I'm not sure. Studios will follow the almighty dollar and if audiences are frightened by films with longer titles and flock to those with shorter ones, the answer is simple. Perhaps there is some relief on the horizon with films like MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING and BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM bucking the title trends and still finding success. Fox Searchlight, the studio behind BECKHAM, stood behind its unusual title hoping it would intrigue people further a la THE FULL MONTY. So far the film, starring virtual unknowns, has grossed over $17 million, more than sister studio Fox's DOWN WITH LOVE, which boasts two-time nominee Renee Zellweger. Maybe LOVE should've changed its title to DW/L or LOVING BARBARA...

E-MAIL THE AUTHOR | ARCHIVES

Mail this page to someone you know. Recipient's Name: Recipient's Email: Sender's Name: Sender's Email: