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Week of March 13, 2006 |
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You can take "The Peacemaker," "Deep Impact," and "The Tuxedo." We'll take "Gladiator," "American Beauty" and anything else that didn't suck.
Emilio's 17
Yeah, like he needed all that overpriced crap anyway...
This lawsuit's going to make 'House Party' look like 'House Party Two!'
I told you... don't call me SENIOR!!
Maybe this is all a bad dream too?
Thanks Sharon, but I think I'll wait until this one comes out on DVD (so I can freeze frame of course)
There is absolutely, positively no nepotism in Hollywood. None.
You're good, baby, I'll give you that... but me? I'm magic.
This band will go down like a lead balloon
Well, Goodbye there Children...
They can't sell the Capitol Records building! What will be left to destroy in the next crappy 'end of the world' movie?
Same old Courtney - still sponging off Kurt
Panic on the streets of Austin
You're a fat, Botox faced, wig-wearing ninny! Oh yeah? Well your band has a dirty H addict as a lead singer!
Black Sabbath, Blondie, Miles Davis, The Sex Pistols, Lynyrd Skynyrd Enter Rock Hall
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THE BREAK-UP |
$39.17
$12759/av |
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X-MEN: THE LAST STAND |
$34.02
$9159/av |
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OVER THE HEDGE |
$20.65
$5170/avg |
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THE DAVINCI CODE |
$18.61
$4953/avg |
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MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III |
$4.68
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POSEIDON |
$3.49
$1283/avg |
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RV |
$3.20
$1469/avg |
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SEE NO EVIL |
$2.04
$1607/avg |
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AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH |
$1.36
$17615/avg |
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JUST MY LUCK |
$855K
$892/avg |
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E-MAIL THE AUTHOR
THE BOTTOM OF THINGS
By Michael Sampson
November 12, 2003
It’s back! Because of the e-mails I got telling me how great the last preview column was - thanks Mom! - we’re back for another run of prescient fun. But unlike those shortsighted bastards at ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY (wait, don’t cancel my subscription!), we’re going further than just the obligatory look at the “Holiday” season, which are really the same movies covered in the Fall/Winter preview and just another excuse to cram a bunch of crap into a double-issue and sell it for twice as much. Since everything is free here and I cram crap in every article I write, we’re taking a look further into the future. The future, Conan? (Enough already Sampson, you used that Conan joke last time.) We’re gonna take a look at the film’s slated for release in 2006, just to get you primed and ready for what’s coming in two-and-a-half years. To paraphrase Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, I keed, I keed… We’re looking at the upcoming year 2004 and what FINDING NEMOs and GIGLIs they’ve got in store for us.
JANUARY
2004 starts off on a strong and interesting note with Mandy Moore and Katie Holmes going head-to-head and battling each other as they star as the title characters in ALIEN VS. PREDATOR. Okay, while that would be a strange dream come true for some hentai fetishists out there, unfortunately Moore and Holmes are battling it out in separate movies…that are the same. Each one has a movie about being the teenage daughter of the President - Moore’s CHASING LIBERTY and Holmes’ FIRST DAUGHTER - coming out…in the same week. You’d think by now, one studio would budge but neither -- WB or Fox -- is willing to be the chicken. Both, when questioned about the films, issued straightforward responses. Warners said simply, “CHASING LIBERTY opens on January 7.” Fox said they “still have FIRST DAUGHTER opening on 1/9/04.” Who will budge? Who will win? Will a hair-pulling catfight ensue?
ALONG CAME POLLY - Jennifer Aniston described this film as a modern-day ANNIE HALL. Let’s hope that doesn’t mean writer/director John Hamburg will begin an underage/Asian/incestuous relationship sometime in the future. Ben Stiller, who has a funny bit in the trailer where he’s playing b-ball with a sweaty, shirtless opponent, co-stars. (1/16)
TORQUE - Was BIKER BOYZ not quite the FAST AND THE FURIOUS rip-off you wanted? Why not try TORQUE, starring Ice Cube and Martin Henderson (last seen in not-so-good shape in THE RING). (1/16)
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT - Holy shit! Ashton Kutcher actually has a day job! He acts! Who knew? Here he plays a goofus with a bad goatee who goes back in time and ignores the advice Grampa Simpson gave to Homer on his wedding day: “If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything... because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.” (1/23)
THE BIG BOUNCE - Owen Wilson, Morgan Freeman, Gary Sinise…we’re headed in the right direction here and then, wham! Charlie Sheen. Remember that old Sesame Street bit about “which one of these is not like the other?” (1/30)
MIRACLE - Kurt Russell stars as the coach of the 1980 USA Olympic hockey team which beat the Russians in the legendary semifinal game. CGI will be used to recreate the hair on broadcaster Al Michaels’ head. (1/30)
FEBRUARY
AGAINST THE ROPES - When we last saw Ms. Ryan she was butt-ass nekkid and giving herself a little of the old hand jive, if you get my drift. Unfortunately, no Meg Ryan masturbation scene is in this one, but you do get Omar Epps boxing. (2/6)
BARBERSHOP 2 - Ice Cube and his band of merry pranksters return for another go. Queen Latifah cameos as a next-door business neighbor who will get her own spinoff with BEAUTYSHOP. Man, this BARBERSHOP franchise could be the next HAPPY DAYS with all these spin-offs (and yes, I’m aware that HAPPY DAYS itself was a spin-off…). (2/6)
50 FIRST DATES - Drew Barrymore plays a woman who falls in love with Adam Sandler but her lack of short-term memory prevents her from remembering. It’s like MEMENTO meets crap. And like Sammy Jenkis, maybe she’s just faking the memory loss cause she realized it’s Adam Sandler. Dippity-doo! (2/13)
KILL BILL VOL. 2 - Uma goes up against her ex-husband Ethan Hawke on the 20th and Hawke should lose for being so stupid as to somehow lose Uma. Will Bill finally be killed? Well, at least we finally get to see David Carradine and Michael Madsen in action.(2/20)
TAKING LIVES - How apropos that an Angelina Jolie film is called TAKING LIVES? That’s what they should’ve called TOMB RAIDER 2 and LIFE, OR SOMETHING LIKE IT and BEYOND BORDERS. TAKING LIVES, TWO HOURS AT A TIME. This one co-stars Ethan Hawke and Keifer Sutherland who, surprise surprise, plays a psychopath. (2/20)
THE PASSION OF CHRIST - That rabid anti-Semite Mel Gibson finally releases his piece of Nazi propaganda about the last days of Christ. Disclaimer: Mel Gibson is neither an anti-Semite nor a Nazi sympathizer. Or so he says…(2/25)
DIRTY DANCING: HAVANA NIGHTS - Nobody puts baby in a corner. Nobody! Could a DIRTY DANCING sequel possibly be any worse? Oh yeah, when Ricky Martin was supposed to star. (2/27)
MARCH
HIDALGO - Disney was originally planning on making this one of their big summer releases then realized it was a movie about a guy and his horse racing around Saudi Arabia. Hence the new early-March date. Viggo Mortensen stars. (3/5)
STARSKY AND HUTCH - Quite an impressive cast that includes Carmen Elektra, Amy Smart and Molly Sims. Oh and some other guys named Stiller, Wilson, Snoop, Vaughn and Ferrell. But the real big casting news here is…Jason Bateman! I knew he’d recoup after TEEN WOLF TOO. (3/5)
AGENT CODY BANKS 2 - File under “Unnecessary sequels.” (3/12)
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR - The most important film in all of 2004. Elisha Cuthbert (“24”) plays a porn star in this R-rated comedy. Pleasepleasepleaseplease give me some nudity. I don't ask for much.(3/12)
JERSEY GIRL - What the hell is this piece of shit movie? Never heard of it. (3/19)
WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON!!! - Kate Bosworth!!! That guy who isn’t Ashton Kutcher from THAT '70S SHOW!!! Some other guy!!! The director of LEGALLY BLONDE…. Hey where did all the exclamation points go? (3/19)
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND - According to the trailer, Kirsten Dunst frolics around in her skivvies. Me, I’m sold, but for the Anti-Kirstens out there, there’s also Kate Winslet with blue hair, Frodo, Tom Wilkinson and some guy named Jim Carrey. Michel Gondry directs. (3/19)
Speaking of Gondry, now seems like a perfectly good time to go off on a crazy little tangent. If you’re as big a fan of the art of music videos as I am, you MUST get the DIRECTOR’S LABEL series of DVDs from Palm Pictures. There’s one each for Gondry, Spike Jonze and Chris Cunningham. Cunningham is a hard pill to swallow but both Gondry’s and Jonze’s discs are wonderful collections of their best music video work. I found myself, as I watched the Jonze disc, saying “Now THIS is the greatest music video ever made,” after every other video. I finally came to the conclusion that Bjork’s “It’s Oh So Quiet” really is the best. But “Weapon of Choice,” “Buddy Holly,” “Sabotage,” “California” and the never-before-seen (at least by me) “Elektrobank” video (which features director and Jonze wife Sofia Coppola in an impressive display of gymnastics) cannot be ignored. The enclosed booklet, which features an in-depth interview with Jonze, mentions the “It’s All About the Benjamins” video frequently but it's curiously left off the disc. There were a few others that didn’t make the list but all in all, it’s a comprehensive look at the Academy Award nominated director, before he leaped over to feature films.
Gondry’s videos sometimes tend to veer off into odd French surrealism, like in Beck’s “Deadweight” but there is true mastery in his later work with The White Stripes. The “Fell in Love With a Girl” video tends to get all the glory but check out the underrated clips for “Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground” and “The Hardest Button to Button,” which must’ve taken FOREVER to film (or maybe the genius is that it just seems like it would take forever). Also take a look through the Gondry booklet to read his proposed treatments for “Button” and a rejected one for Weezer’s “Dope Nose.”
It’s really fascinating stuff and a great way to see videos that MTV isn’t playing. When was the last time you saw the Notorious BIG video “Sky’s the Limit” that’s just like BUGSY MALONE with the little kids as Puffy, Biggie and Lil Kim? Each disc has commentary and credits on selected videos and you get to hear from the artists’ mouths what was going on during the shoot. I don’t give blatant plugs often so when I do, you should realize it’s for something worthwhile. Go check these DVDs out stat and see the works of two guys who helped turn music videos into an art form and bring independent filmmaking to homes across America. And may I suggest to Palm that their next series should feature Mark Romanek, David Fincher and Mark Pellingston?
Anyway, back to the previews…
DAWN OF THE DEAD - The dead have risen and they’re thirsty for an Orange Julius…and brains. So they hightail it to the mall where the last ragtag group of humans on this floating chunk of dirt are holed up. And yes, a woman gives birth to a zombie fetus. (3/26)
SCOOBY-DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED - All I will say about this movie is that it features one of my favorite villains of all time: the Creeper. A zombie-like guy from the cartoon who’d just wander around going, “Creeeeeper…” Then a Monkees song would break out and there would be some odd musical number while the Creeper was chasing Shag and Scoob. Gotta love the old Scooby cartoons. (3/26)
THE LADYKILLERS - Marlon Wayans in a movie with Tom Hanks directed by the Coen Brothers? Isn’t this the same guy who starred in “The Wayans Bros” TV show on the WB? But the Coens continue their tradition of having the greatest character names in movies with guys like Professor Goldthwait Higginson Dorr, Gawain MacSam and Lump Hudson. (3/26)
THE UNITED STATES OF LELAND - The story of a precocious young boy and his pet lizard, Leland, who makes a successful run for President. Actually it stars Kevin Spacey and Ryan Gosling and, unfortunately, has nothing to do with a lizard president. (3/26)
APRIL
ENVY - Ben Stiller and Jack Black star in this oft-delayed comedy about a product called Va-Poo-Rizer that makes dog shit disappear into thin air. Right now DreamWorks is wishing they had a can to spray on this movie. (4/2)
HELLBOY - I thought the son of Satan was living with me and my wife but it turns out his name is Hellboy and he’s a paranormal investigator for the US. So that kinda throws out my theory about my son being the devil spawn. Hmm…how else to explain the biting and kicking and screaming and tantrums and throwing and pushing and… (4/2)
TWISTED - This was once called THE BLACKOUT MURDERS but in the tradition of all Ashley Judd thrillers, it had to have an inane, generic title, so they changed it to TWISTED. Oooh! And a warning in advance: don’t let them try to pull this “surprise twist ending” on you. It’s Lame with a capital L. (4/2)
WALKING TALL - The Rock and Johnny Knoxville return home to find no-good punks have taken over their town. They promptly make an announcement that they’ve returned to chew bubblegum and kick ass….and they’re all out of bubblegum. 2 x 4 beatdowns ensue. (4/9)
THE WHOLE TEN YARDS - See AGENT CODY BANKS 2. (4/9)
THE PUNISHER - If John Travolta hamming it up and chewing the scenery is your jones, then you’ll want to check this one out. Or at least rent FACE/OFF or SWORDFISH. (4/16)
MAN ON FIRE - Denzel Washington stars as a former Marine turned bodyguard who goes on a crusade for revenge after the 10-year-old girl he’s hired to protect is kidnapped and murdered. At one point in the movie he shoves dynamite up a guys ass. Talk about explosive diarrhea. (4/23)
SECRET WINDOW - Johnny Depp is an eccentric (noooo…Johnny Depp playing eccentric?) writer who’s haunted by a kook (John Turturro) who thinks his work has been plagiarized by our protagonist. Based on the short story by Stephen King. (4/23)
THE ALAMO - Disney didn't remember THE ALAMO was supposed to open in December to be ready for Oscar contention, so they pushed it back to an unknown April date. April doesn't exactly scream big-budget epic, but then again, what do I know? (TBA)
HOME ON THE RANGE - In this Disney animated movie, Roseanne Barr voices one of a trio of cows. Typecasting for women still seems to be a problem in Hollywood. (TBA)
HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES 2 - Nothing says Easter better than a gory, unrated horror movie from a guy named Rob Zombie. (TBA)
PROZAC NATION - This was supposed to be the debut of Christina Ricci’s boobs but because of release date delays, MONSTER has actually leaped ahead of this film to be the first to show Ricci’s cans to audiences. This leaves absolutely no reason to see this movie. (TBA)
MAY
NEW YORK MINUTE - The Olsen Twins make their studio debut with this film. And this should be a test for all those people who think their Olsen Twins obsession has gone too far. If you go see this film, it went too far. If you go see it by yourself, sitting all the way in the back with a trench coat over your lap, it went WAY too far. (5/7)
VAN HELSING - Hugh Jackman stars as the second most famous vampire slayer battling Drac, Frankenstein and the Wolfman. No telling yet if this Wolfman has nards. (5/7)
TROY - Unlike Helen of Troy, who was the “face that launched a thousand ships,” we used to say that an ugly girl had a “face that launched a thousand lunches.” I always thought that was clever and too few people got the joke. Maybe with TROY on the way, it’ll make a comeback. (5/14)
SHREK 2 - Mike Myers went from underrated-guy I’m-really-pulling-for to overrated-guy-I’m-putting-a-hex-on reeeally quickly. It doesn’t help that he, Cameron Diaz and Eddie Murphy got paid an insane amount of money for about 10 days of voiceover work. (5/21)
13 GOING ON 30 - Jennifer Garner loosens up her ass-kicking on-screen persona to play a 13-year-old stuck in a 30-year-old’s body. It’s sort of like a combination of BIG and BIG and then a little BIG and then a pinch of Jennifer Garner. (5/28)
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW - The teaser trailer absolutely kicked ass but then again, so did the teasers for GODZILLA and INDEPENDENCE DAY, the last two films from director Roland Emmerich. (5/28)
OK, that's Part One. Coming up next is Part Two, featuring the mammoth summer of 2004, what with SPIDER-MAN 2 and HARRY POTTER 3 and much more. Till next time!...
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