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THE BOTTOM OF THINGS
By Michael Sampson
December 12, 2003
This time every year, everybody and their uncle puts together a list of "The Best Of" the year past. I, of course, have obliged. My uncle, on the other hand, refused to participate. But I'm not gonna waste your time with some mamby-pamby "Best Movies of 2003" list, cause frankly I haven't seen enough good movies this year to compile a list. When X2 comes close to topping your list for one of the best you've seen in a year, you know there's a problem. The other issue being I just don't have time to see every single damn movie. Whereas the critics from Entertainment Weekly can all bad together and compare notes and come up with a top 10, I haven't seen half the films out there, so a top 10 list from me would be worthless. But I didn't want to be left out and laughed at and mocked at the entertainment writer's Christmas party so I had to come up with something. So here's my lame attempt at a few of my top-fives for the past year.
Top 5 Earl Dittman Quotes:
1. “Four stars…times two!” – STUCK ON YOU
2. “One of those rare moviegoing experiences that will stir your humanity and steal your heart.” – RADIO
3. “A breathtaking, white-knuckle voyage to the center of pure, unadulterated action and excitement.” – THE CORE
4. “[It] will restore your faith in the strength of the human spirit and the irrefutable power of love.” – BEYOND BORDERS
5. "Incredibly hilarious!" - A VIEW FROM THE TOP
(Thanks to efilmcritic.com for help on some of the above quotes.)
Top 5 Most Annoying Guys at the Movie Theater
1. The Slam My Seat Back Into Your Knees Guy
2. The I Have To Go To The Bathroom Every Five Minutes Guy
3. The “What Did He Say?” Guy
4. The I Brought My Screaming Kids To The Movies Guy
5. The I Know And Will Proceed To Shout Out All The Answers To The Pre-Movie Quizzes Guy
Satan’s Top 5 Funniest Movies of the Year:
1. MYSTIC RIVER
2. IRREVERSIBLE
3. ELEPHANT
4. 21 GRAMS
5. KANGAROO JACK / BLUE COLLAR COMEDY TOUR
Top 5 "Scary" Movies That Were Actually Funny
1. COLD CREEK MANOR
2. THE ORDER
3. DREAMCATCHER
4. HOUSE OF THE DEAD
5. WRONG TURN
Top 5 "Funny" Movies That Were Actually Scary
1. DUPLEX
2. DADDY DAY CARE
3. CHASING PAPI
4. BOAT TRIP
5. VIEW FROM THE TOP
Top 5 Movies I’m Glad I Didn’t See
1. THE MATRIX RELOADED/REVOLUTIONS (tie)
2. THE HULK
3. CHARLIE’S ANGELS 2
4. THE CAT IN THE HAT
5. TOMB RAIDER 2
Top 5 Porno Film Titles Based on 2003 Movies
1. THE GIRL WITH THE PEARL NECKLACE
2. THE SCHOOL OF COCK
3. IN THE CUNT / T.W.A.T. (tie)
4. MARCI XXX
5. THE ITALIAN BLOWJOB
Top 5 2003 Movies That Sound Like Porno Films
1. SUPERSUCKER
2. WHAT A GIRL WANTS
3. LOVE THE HARD WAY
4. PIECES OF APRIL
5. HOLES
Top 5 Rejected MATRIX Characters
1. Barry
2. Spoonman
3. Squeegee Boy
4. Gargamel
5. Spanky
Top 5 Things Paul Walker Is Mistaken For
1. Fence Post
2. Tree Stump
3. Marble Statue
4. A Sack of Peat Moss
5. An Actor
Top 5 Things The Guy Next To Me at RETURN OF THE KING Said
1. Oooh!
2. Yeah!
3. Whoa!
4. I'm gonna get a refill on my Mountain Dew.
5. Hah!
Top 5 Sports Figures Who Sound Like Porn Stars:
1. Quentin Jammer
2. Dick Pound
3. Doug Jolley
4. Mack Strong
5. Sam Gash / Aaron Moorehead (tie)
Top 5 Teams in the Poop Shoot Fantasy Football League (at the end of the regular season):
1. The Crushers
2. The Bottom Feeders (yeah!!)
3. Code6Enterprises
4. Raindogs
5. Savage Leprechauns
Right here in this very spot I took an entire column’s worth of space to discuss who much I didn’t like THE LORD OF THE RINGS. It was right around the time of THE TWO TOWERS when I – in a moment of rebellion – got up and walked out of a press screening and bailed on a day’s full of interviews scheduled for the next day. “I’ve got better ways to spend my time,” I reasoned. So when the invitation came again to sit down and watch RETURN OF THE KING last week, I initially balked. “That’ll be the day,” I remember muttering to no one in particular. One look at the film’s running time – a colossal seventeen hours and forty-nine minutes – was all the explanation I needed.
But I have lots of angry friends who are huge fans of the series and a mother-in-law who kicked me out of Christmas dinner last year when she heard I bailed on TTT (or maybe it was the 1/5 of bourbon, the profanity and my bare ass that got me kicked out...). They were relentless. Give it another chance! Watch it one more time! Finally I relented and for one reason only – like friends and family of murder victims who are invited to watch the murderer put to death, this was my white whale that I’ve wanted dead for three years, and I couldn’t rest until I personally rammed a harpoon deep in its blubbery flesh and watched as it sank lifeless to the ocean floor.
So I went. And was determined to sit through every aching, arduous, torturous minute. There would be no walking out this time. I will watch those end credits roll and a tear will drip down my cheek, and unlike the nerd next to me, it will not be for Frodo - it will be tears of joy that this elven silliness has finally come to a close.
But during this Christmas season I found something interesting happen. As I prepared to steal all the presents from Whoville and effectively destroy Christmas, my tiny heart grew three sizes that day.
Now I’m not entirely at liberty to discuss the film as that always tricky studio embargo has been laid down but I think I can say without repurcussion that a) I didn't walk out, b) I didn't convulse and dry heave and c) I actually liked it. Loved it? No. Went back and watched the previous two films? Not quite. But I liked it. And that's coming from a guy who hated all things RINGS. It doesn't sound like a great vote of confidence, but it is.
The Bottom is taking next column off since it would land on Christmas Eve, a day when most people have a lot of better things to do than listen to me bellyache about this or that. So holiday wishes to you and yours. And if you're looking for a Christmas present to get me, try this. See you in 2004!
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