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Week of March 13, 2006

You can take "The Peacemaker," "Deep Impact," and "The Tuxedo." We'll take "Gladiator," "American Beauty" and anything else that didn't suck.

Emilio's 17

Yeah, like he needed all that overpriced crap anyway...

This lawsuit's going to make 'House Party' look like 'House Party Two!'

I told you... don't call me SENIOR!!

Maybe this is all a bad dream too?

Thanks Sharon, but I think I'll wait until this one comes out on DVD (so I can freeze frame of course)

There is absolutely, positively no nepotism in Hollywood. None.

You're good, baby, I'll give you that... but me? I'm magic.

This band will go down like a lead balloon

Well, Goodbye there Children...

They can't sell the Capitol Records building! What will be left to destroy in the next crappy 'end of the world' movie?

Same old Courtney - still sponging off Kurt

Panic on the streets of Austin

You're a fat, Botox faced, wig-wearing ninny! Oh yeah? Well your band has a dirty H addict as a lead singer!

Black Sabbath, Blondie, Miles Davis, The Sex Pistols, Lynyrd Skynyrd Enter Rock Hall



01 THE BREAK-UP $39.17
$12759/av

02 X-MEN: THE LAST STAND $34.02
$9159/av

03 OVER THE HEDGE $20.65
$5170/avg

04 THE DAVINCI CODE $18.61
$4953/avg

05 MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III $4.68
$1756/avg

06 POSEIDON $3.49
$1283/avg

07 RV $3.20
$1469/avg

08 SEE NO EVIL $2.04
$1607/avg

09 AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH $1.36
$17615/avg

10 JUST MY LUCK $855K
$892/avg










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THE BOTTOM OF THINGS

By Michael Sampson

March 10, 2004

Sigh. Another week, another aborted column. Last time it was the Broken-Lizard-meets-Poop-Shoot column that went belly up. This week it’s the GIRL NEXT DOOR coverage I was hoping to heap on your plate. As you may or may not have heard, Fox has (verrrry quietly) pushed the film back until April 9th. There was no official announcement explaining why (and if there was, frankly, it’d be a load of crap) but I’m hearing director Luke Greenfield was unhappy with the marketing campaign. He felt what Fox had put out to promote the movie to date was just unsatisfactory and not living up to the film’s potential. That sounds like it could just be a control freak director taking a little too much pride in his work. But I met Greenfield, talked to him and saw the movie and I don’t get that impression. Honestly, GND is a lot better than the marketing treatment it had been getting. It’s funny, sexy, sweet, sexy and even sexy – all things you want in your teen comedies. So while I’m disappointed my coverage will have to wait another month or so to run, I’m glad because studios rarely admit mistakes and perhaps this move will allow the film to reach a wider audience. (For what it’s worth, Fox says the move was in response to the Johnny Depp thriller SECRET WINDOW taking over its date.)

Sooo….No Elisha Cuthbert interview this week. What to do, what to do….

Oh yeah! I saw this movie the other day, JERSEY GIRL? Perhaps you’ve heard of it? Directed by some guy, um, Kenny Smits? It was all part of the press day in New York City on Saturday, where I was lucky enough to sit and talk with Ben Affleck, Liv Tyler, li’l Raquel Castro and this director guy. I’m not going to run full interviews here cause our own Antony Teofilo was there to bring his epic coverage of the flick to a satisfying conclusion and will have his sessions up soon, but I’ll share some post-JERSEY-GIRL related thoughts.

First off, considering where you’re reading this column and who I work for in a roundabout way, I don’t know how much of this you’ll believe without thinking I’m an incomparable kiss-ass, but JERSEY GIRL was really good.

I was worried heading into it that I wasn’t going to like it. Why? I dunno. I guess I’m always a little concerned in the back of my mind going into movies I’m really looking forward to. I was afraid the film would be over-written with the dialogue coming off as stiff and unnatural. I was afraid Affleck would crack under the pressure. I was afraid of the little girl and whether her acting would drive me nuts (I’m notoriously driven crazy by kid actors). I was afraid it would be too safe and too saccharine for my taste. But all those concerns were for naught.

There are times in some of Kevin’s movies where some of the dialogue doesn’t sound quite right coming out of someone’s mouth. It reads great on the page but when you see an actor on screen saying those words, it just comes off a little stilted. It never really affected my overall feelings on his films to date but I was fearful with the heavy subject matter here it might bog down the movie and instead of feeling genuine, feel maudlin. But thankfully there’s none of that here. Everything feels honest and real and that’s because it’s both of those things, coming right from the heart of the writer and director.

What can I say about Mr. Affleck? I suppose I could leave it to my wife, who isn’t the biggest Affleck fan in the world. In fact, I don’t think she likes his body of work all that much. But even she, jaded Affleck-hater, came out saying she was impressed. Aside from one scene she thought he wasn’t as believable as he could’ve been (a tender moment with infant Gertie), she thought it was an honest, solid performance. I too felt it was one of his best performances, right up there with CHASING AMY and CHANGING LANES. When a nurse arrives to inform him his wife has died, Kevin takes the right approach by not getting up into his mug to see the tears flying but instead pans back slowly as you just watch a silhouette of Affleck crumbling to the ground.

While we’re talking about performances and tender moments...you’d think with the death of a wife and mother, the sweetest, tearjerkiest moment (yes, I’m making up words now) would be involved with that plotline. But perhaps the most touching moment in the movie – and it’s a brief one – is a quick line by George Carlin at the end. Affleck’s character mentions to his Pop how he should be looking to get his son out of the house and – well, I won’t ruin it here. Let’s just say Carlin steals the end of the movie.

Then there’s Liv Tyler. Sweet, sweet Liv Tyler. I don’t have an elvish crush on her like many of you might but after this movie it’s hard not to have some sort of crush on her. She’s just so cuddly and adorable in this movie and her chemistry with Affleck helps elevate his performance to a new level. Her character Maya is the girl we all are waiting to fall in our laps. Cute, single, smart, funny, honest, charming, frequent masturbator, etc. In other words, the perfect girl.

But what about the titular Jersey Girl of which I was frightened her performance could ruin the film? Well she luckily avoids the trappings of CURLY SUE and that God-awful Pepsi girl and does an admirable job here. I had heard something very early on back when the film was still scheduled in 2003 about her being a potential Oscar nominee. Eeeeeeeasy there. Not quite. But for a seven-year-old in her first real acting gig, she was pretty damn good. It doesn’t help that she really looks like Jennifer Lopez. I mean really.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. Affleck does a fine job. He could tone down the trademark Affleck smirk (you know the one I’m talking about) but that’s a minor gripe.

As for the concern that the film would be too heavy and there’d be too much boo-hooing, I can proudly say that Kevin managed to work plenty of "shits," at least one "fuck," a couple "whores," plenty of "asses," a long talk about porn and jerking off and Affleck grabbing Liv Tyler’s boobs and giving her a brumsky. Not exactly kid stuff. It’s PG-13 but there’s enough in there to make everyone happy. I myself got the best laugh out of the use of the word “whoremonger,” which is one of my favorite words for no apparent reason. But Affleck says it and it just cracks me up.

Now I don’t mean to get all Harry Knowles on you here but JERSEY GIRL was a flick that I could relate to on many fronts. No, my wife is not dead but I have a job in an entertainment-based industry that requires odd hours in New York City, my wife and I had a baby shortly after we were married, I had to move to the suburbs of Jersey and my career basically had to take a backseat to the kids and family life.

Like what Lopez says to Affleck in the movie, I couldn’t be the guy who works late hours in the City and crashes at friend’s apartments and goes off on long trips. I had to be the guy who comes home early to be with his kids. I had to be a father. And like Affleck in the movie, there were times (and still are) that that’s not easy. But sacrifice is the name of the game. Point being, I could relate to the film - especially the Will Smith outburst - and it speaks the truth. Believe me.

I know this may mean little to you coming from a site where Kevin is the boss but please trust me, this is a great movie. In fact I’ll even do it the favor of providing one of those fancy little pull quotes that Dittman offers up so frequently. (Speaking of Dittman have you seen him lately? He’s on a roll! TWISTED? AGAINST THE ROPES? WELCOME TO MOOSEPORT?!?!) How’s this at my attempt at a Dittman quote for JERSEY GIRL: “JERSEY GIRL will warm your heart, tickle your balls and tweak your nipples! Ben Affleck smirks! Liv Tyler in a bra! Jennifer Lopez dies! What more could you ask for?!”

No good? OK how about this: JERSEY GIRL is the best date movie I’ve seen in a long time. The girls will cry and the guys will laugh. Bring your wife or girlfriend or that chick down the hall in your dorm you’ve been dying to score with and thank Kevin later.


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Addicted to Bad
by Patrick Keller

International Intrigue
by Alison Veneto

Nocturnal Admissions
by D.K. Holm

Strange Impersonation
by Kim Morgan

Trailer Park
by Christopher Stipp




New DVD Releases
for April 11, 2006

DVD Diatribe
by D.K. Holm

DVD Late Show
by Christopher Mills




Preachin' from the Longbox
by Britt Schramm

Should It Be a Movie?
by Marc Mason

New Comic Book Releases
for April 12, 2006, 2006




New CD Releases
for April 11, 2006

Music for the Masses
by M.C. Bell




TV Recommendations
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Kentucky Fried Rasslin'
by Scott Bowden

TV Pilot Review Archives
by Chris Ryall



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