THE BOTTOM OF THINGS

By Michael Sampson

April 14, 2004

Here it is folks! The much anticipated yearly fun known as the Summer Preview. This summer has a lot going for it from the Mary-Kate and Ashley to Aliens and Predators. What's hot? What's not? I don't know, go read Us Weekly. If you're looking for wiseass remarks though, read on, good friend.

May 7, 2004

NEW YORK MINUTE - Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen star in their first theatrical film. Attention perverts: get your trench coats and tissues ready!

VAN HELSING - Didn't get your fill of cheesy CGI effects in THE MUMMY series? Don't fret - director Stephen Sommers is back with his ragtag team of F/X guys to drive a stake through the heart of ole Count Drac. Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale star with Peter Boyle as Frankenstein. Oh wait, that was another movie...

May 14, 2004

BREAKIN' ALL THE RULES - Rules like having a plot, character development, conflict, resolution, etc. I could tell you what it's about but I'm mean, c'mon...

TROY - Say Timmy, do you like movies about gladiators? You do? Well then you'll love this swords-and-sandals epic that features lots of homoerotic undertones. At first I thought this was a documentary about Troy from THE GOONIES (who went on to star in a movie about a transsexual werewolf...seriously!) but I was mistaken. One day they'll get that movie made. "Andy! You Goonie!!"

COFFEE AND CIGARETTES - A bunch of people sit around and talk while drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. No, it's not your mom's mahjongg game but the latest from Jim Jarmusch. Here a bunch of people sit around and talk while...well, you get the idea.

May 21, 2004

SHREK 2 - Eddie Muprhy is an obnoxious jackass. In this movie, of course. Quite possibly one of the most annoying duos in recent history, Mike Myers and Cameron Diaz (sadly two people I once quite enjoyed), return for a sequel that sounds oddly familiar to MEET THE FOCKERS. Antonio Banderas co-stars (co-voices?) as Puss 'N Boots. I'll leave the foot fetish porno jokes up to you.

May 26, 2004

RAISING HELEN - A young, beautiful and self-absorbed 20-something girl is given custody of precocious kids and in the process learns how to be an adult. It's UPTOWN GIRLS with Brittany Murphy! Oh wait, no it's not, it's RAISING HELEN with Kate Hudson. Yeah but this movie has Kate Hudson so it's gotta be different, right? Right?...

May 28, 2004

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW - Tornadoes! Hail! Floods! A new ice age! I told you the "Nick and Jessica Variety Hour" was the first step towards apocalypse. Well after all the above hits the world, Dennis Quaid just wants to get his son (Jake Gyllenhaal) back. He offers $1,000,000 as a bounty to anyone who can return his son and then gets Mother Nature on the phone and yells, "Give me back my son!" Gary Sinise co-stars as Mother Nature.

SOUL PLANE - Snoop Dogg, Method Man, DL Hughley, Mo'Nique and...Tom Arnold? Why would an actor like this stoop so low? Why would Snoop Dogg you agree to work with Tom Arnold? Oh and if I actually need to tell you what this movie is about, then you need help. It's called SOUL PLANE. Figure it out.

SAVED! - Instead of starring together in the film HAVOC that would've required nudity and drug use, Mandy Moore and Jena Malone decided instead to star in this film. A girl at a Baptist school gets pregnant and all her Jesus freak friends give her the cold shoulder. IMDB tells us that Valerie Bertanelli co-stars as....herself?

June 4, 2004

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN - Third HARRY POTTER movie, blah blah, Gary Oldman, blah blah, Alfonso Cuaron, blah blah... That's all besides the point - Hermione's gonna be a hottie!

MINDHUNTERS - In a movie that stars Val Kilmer and Christian Slater, LL Cool J and Sick Boy from TRAINSPOTTING get top billing. Hmmm. Boy when Christian Slater tries to distance himself from a flick you KNOW it's gotta be bad.

June 11, 2004

THE CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK - Dame Judi Dench was honored that Vin Diesel insisted the studio cast her in RIDDICK, his sequel to PITCH BLACK. So this is the second time Dame Judi has been honored by a queen.

GARFIELD - The beloved tabby comes to life! As a computer generated character! Somehow Breckin Meyer found work after "Inside Schwartz" and the original J. Lo - Jennifer Love Hewitt - joins him. And wasn't Bill Murray just nominated for an Oscar for LOST IN TRANSLATION? Now he's voicing Garfield. Ironically he replaces a the guy who used to do the voice who was imitating Bill Murray in the first place (and also did Murray's voice for the "Ghostbusters" cartoon). OK I know way too much about cartoons.

THE STEPFORD WIVES - Nicole Kidman plays a woman who moves to a small town with her husband (Matthew Broderick) and begins to suspect something's fishy in their new neighborhood. Wives there are perfect: attractive, friendly, kind and attentive to their husbands' needs - wow that is bizarre!

June 16, 2004

AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS - Jackie Chan and more cameos that you can shake a stick at fill up this remake of the film based on the Jules Verne tale.

June 18, 2004

THE DARKNESS - I believe in a thing called love! Justlistentotherhythmofmyheart! Christina Ricci has opened up the nudity floodgates showing God's gifts in such classics as PROZAC NATION and MONSTER but unfortunately this horror film is booby-free. Next!....

DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY - Vince Vaughn and Ben Stiller star in a classic good vs. evil tale set in the world of competitive dodgeball. Usually Vaughn in the bad guy but here Stiller gets to play the mustachioed, mulletted villain.

THE TERMINAL - So let me get this straight.... An immigrant comes to the US but before he can arrive, his passport becomes invalid when his home country dissolves after a coup. Without a passport to leave, he'll be arrested should he leave the airport and he's essentially trapped in the airport terminal. So he's a homeless guy in the airport and of course the most logical thing to happen next is that Catherine Zeta-Jones falls in love with him.

June 25, 2004

SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW - Actors like Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie star against a completely computer generated backdrop in this retro sci-fi flick.

WHITE CHICKS - The Wayans Brothers play FBI agents who go undercover as white socialite girls patterned after the Hilton sisters. They stop short of giving blowjobs on camera. But ironically that's how they got this film greenlit.

June 30, 2004

SPIDER-MAN 2 - Peter Parker continues doing what a spider can in this sequel. Alfred "Rahad Jackson" Molina joins the cast as Dr. Octopus and it appears Harry Osborne realizes his best bud is his father's killer setting up SPIDER-MAN 3 nicely.

July 7, 2004

KING ARTHUR - Two words - Keira Knightley. A couple more words to add to the end of those words - wears nothing but a thin leather strap over her pert breasts. Excuse me, I have to go wait in line for this movie.

July 9, 2004

ANCHORMAN - If ELF made Will Ferrell a star, ANCHORMAN could make him a superstar. This should easily be the funniest film this summer. Except for CATWOMAN of course.

SLEEPOVER - A bunch of freshman high school girls get into a high stakes scavenger hunt with the "cool girls" from school after a sleepover party. Hey I thought high school girls were supposed to experiment with lesbianism at sleepovers...

July 16, 2004

A CINDERELLA STORY - Gee I wonder what this movie could be about. Perhaps a girl fights her nasty stepsisters and eventually finds the man of her dreams? Hilary Duff or Amanda Bynes or Lindsey Lohan or Anne Hathaway or somebody stars.

I, ROBOT - I, Michael thinks Will Smith never should've been let near Isaac Asimov. Perhaps they chose him because his acting would make the robots seem more human...

July 23, 2004

THE BOURNE SUPREMACY - Matty D. returns to the role of Jason Bourne (or is he Jason Bourne?...) for this sequel that sees the return of one of my favorite name-actress-in-a-pointless-role - that's right Julia Stiles as Nicolette.

CATWOMAN - Halle Berry promises you'll see a whole different side of her in CATWOMAN. The side that didn't win an Oscar.

July 30, 2004

THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE - Jonathan Demme directs a remake of John Frankenheimer's classic political thriller. Will it be the Demme who directed SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and PHILADELPHIA or the one who directed BELOVED and THE TRUTH ABOUT CHARLIE? Is John Frankenheimer's corpse spinning like a top? Will Frank Sinatra rise from the grave and personally beat everyone involved in this pointless remake?

THE VILLAGE - Bryce Howard, daughter of famous director Ron, takes a stab at Dad's business with her first starring role in M. Night Shyamalan's thriller. The script was supposed to be under lock and key at Disney but somehow it leaked out and made its way around the web revealing the twist at the end of the film is that Bruce Willis is really dead! And Harrison Ford's wife did it! It's a head in that box!

GARDEN STATE - That dorky kid from "Scrubs" is a writer/director. Who knew! Apparently Natalie Portman who co-stars in Zack Braff's flick. I'd make snarky jokes about it but it's about Jersey so I gotta show some love.

August 6, 2004

COLLATERAL - Tom Cruise is a ruthless killer with an ice-cold heart. And he's also in this movie with Jamie Foxx.

SHALL WE DANCE? - Jennifer Lopez and Richard Gere in a dance/romantic comedy. Shall we drive off a cliff?

August 11, 2004

THE PRINCESS DIARIES 2: ROYAL ENGAGEMENT - Anne Hathaway finally does some full-frontal nudity. Unfortunately it's not in this film, it's in her next film HAVOC. But it'll be interesting watch this film knowing she's a dirty, dirty little girl deep down.

August 13, 2004

ALIEN VS PREDATOR - OK so I didn't love MORTAL KOMBAT or RESIDENT EVIL but EVENT HORIZON was a pretty effective thriller so maybe Paul WS Anderson isn't the devil incarnate as some would lead you to believe. He doesn't have to direct CASABLANCA here - I mean, just get some cool ass fight scenes and I'll be happy.

August 20, 2004

CELLULAR - What would happen if you got a call on your cell from a woman who claimed she was being kidnapped and she only had a limited amount of time left of her battery? I dunno what I'd do but that's exactly the scenario our protagonist faces in this film. The film's tagline is "Can You Hear Me Now?" (Oh man, did I just stoop so low as to make a "Can you hear me now?" joke?)

EXORCIST: THE BEGINNING - The late, great John Frankenheimer was gonna direct but he got wind of that MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE remake and croaked. Star Liam Neeson said, "Screw this shit" and he left to be replaced by Stellan Skarsgard. Then Paul Schrader (AUTO FOCUS) came in to replace him. An unhappy Warner Bros sent Schrader during production and hired Renny Harlin, the genius behind CUTTHROAT ISLAND, to basically reshoot the entire film. A film that's had three directors, two leads and countless reshoots has to be good right?

August 27, 2004

VENOM - Few movies needed sequels less than ANACONDA. Besides THE WHOLE TEN YARDS that is. And in case you're wondering Ice Cube and Jennifer Lopez don't return. I wonder if the snake in this film will barf up another old geezer.

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