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I GOT ISSUES

By Ken Cuperus

WILSON FISK IS A BIG FAT IDIOT: AND OTHER COMIC BOOK OBSERVATIONS

As I write this, I'm flying through the air at about 30, 000 feet (according to the pilot, at least; I'm certainly not qualified to make these kind of altitude estimations on my own) on my way back to my home stomping grounds in Toronto. I'm a terrible flier, I don't mind telling you. And that's not to say I'm bad at it...I mean, it's pretty simple really. You just sit there, and try not to disturb the fat guy who has fallen asleep on your shoulder, while trying to hack your way through a chicken breast that has apparently been coated with an adamantium breading. What I mean by being a terrible flyer, is that I really don't like to fly! Not one bit. I kind of think of it as 'falling rapidly in a horizontal direction.' It's like the old saying goes, "If Man were meant to fly, he'd have been born with wings...and a wooden belt buckle, to keep the Damn metal detector from going off every single frick'n time!" I can't remember who first uttered these famous words, but I'm pretty sure it was either SOCRATES or the guy who played 'Fish' on BARNEY MILLER. So to pass the time (while trying not to run screaming down the aisle every time the plane goes through a turbulent patch) here's some random comic-related junk I've been thinking about...

First off, let me apologize to all my loyal readers out there (all six of you) for my two-week absence. As an entrepreneur of the animation industry (AKA: a lowly writer of cartoons), being sent on glamorous trips to exotic locales on exciting assignments is all part of the gig. This latest trek kept me a little busier than most, so I regrettably wasn't able to cobble a column together (not enough people 'cobble' anymore, and I'm trying to do my part to change that!). Next week will see the long-absent part 2 of the comic store piece you've all been waiting for, but in the meantime, in-between time, you'll just have to settle for some long-winded comic book related non-sequitors. I really wanted to keep my little dog-and-pony show running as a series of comic-industry based humour pieces, keeping my own views and opinions (which tend to be a little critical at times, I confess) to a minimum, but hey, when you name a column I Got Issues, it's probably a good idea to really have a few bones to pick once in a while, am I right? You know how in the X-FILES, some are self-contained monster of the week episodes, while others deal with the overall FBI conspiracy storyline? Well, I guess this column runs on the same brand of fuel. Most will be self-contained humour pieces, but once in a while I'll lose it, and blow off some steam with a tirade. That's what you're lookin' at here today. So grab yourself a bag of complementary airplane pretzels (probably packaged sometime during the Taft administration) and enjoy.

WHERE TO BEGIN...

Okay, lets get the RON ZIMMERMAN / JOE QUESADA stuff out of our systems right off the top, shall we? I'm sure most of you know about Ron Zimmerman going off on some message board or other, taking a piece out of the fanboys who have been slamming him. (It was actually quite a funny post, but if you didn't get the joke, I suppose it may have sounded like sour grapes.) Then, shortly after, Joe Quesada himself arrived to post in Zimmerman's defense, which only made things worse. Why is Quesada running damage control on Zimmerman? He's always been his biggest (only?) supporter, but this is going above and beyond the call of duty. Quesada claims that fans are doing a disservice to Zimmerman by not enjoying his work, because he is "one of us," a die-hard comic fan. WHAT? Since when did that matter? If Quesada let all the fanboys who were "one of us" write a seemingly endless collection of mini-series and fill-ins, without having any previous comic writing experience, then what state would the industry be in today? Okay, granted, it can't get much worse...but still... Ron Zimmerman is responsible for the single worst comic story of the year, with his PUNISHER fill-in issue, and he went on record that the fault lay with the combination of writer/artist. WHAT? The problem with the issue is that it was a lame "all just a dream" story that should never have been cleared to go past outline! Then came a decent, light and fluffy story in Tangled Web which showed off Zimmerman's comedic chops. Not great stuff...but fun, and breezy.

Then...POW - KAZAAM...came a strong contender for the worst comic story in the entire history of Marvel Comics. The JAY LENO/SPIDERMAN backup story. Zimmerman seemed to realize it was an ill-fated piece, and stated that it was meant to generate some interest from Leno himself, and get a plug on his show. It didn't happen...and I can't say I blame Leno one bit. If I were him, I'd quietly sweep my involvement under the rug too. This train-wreck was followed by another 'played for laughs' piece called SWEET LIBERTY. I didn't read it, because the taint of the Leno story was still lingering in the air, and it was my understanding that the Big Chin would be putting in yet another gratuitous guest shot. I have been following GET KRAVEN however...so lets talk about that for a moment or three.

Zimmerman has talked at length about how the story needs to be read as a whole for full effect, and that fans who were ignoring it now would soon be clamouring for the trade. So my question is this, then... Why wasn't this created as an Original Graphic Novel instead of a monthly mini? To keep my interest from month to month, I need each chapter to offer a quality read on it's own, as well as being the sum of all it's parts. So far I've spent $8.50 (yes, I'm Canadian so I'm being financially sucked dry by what was once an affordable hobby) on the first two issues to be mildly amused. I have no sense of an overall picture yet, and I can't risk the financial obligation of the rest of the series without having an indication if I even like the story or not. Really, nothing has happened. A few silly moments with larger than life parodies of the inner workings of Hollywood...and a mystifying guest shot by a TV star who has long been absent from the public eye (Is this one of Zimmerman's friends, who was promised a cameo during a drunken Hollywood party? At least that would be interesting!) Ultimately, it's not enough to hold my interest in the book. NEXT!

That's not to say that I've completely written Zimmerman off. He's still new to the game, and has shown moments of potential. I think he approaches his stories from a television episodic point of view (as his background in television would attest to) and just hasn't found the balance in his scripts yet. Comic stories need to start with a bang...not pace themselves for the long run, which I think is what we're seeing here so far. Do I think that Zimmerman deserves the backlash that he's received? Nope. But comic readers (especially the breed that is so vocal on-line) are a fickle bunch, and don't easily forget. The only way to shut up the critics is by putting out a quality piece of work...not attacking them on their own forums. To that end I've decided that the perfect indicator of Zimmerman's future potential is a project that has recently been announced. The MARVEL MAX title RAWHIDE KID: SLAP LEATHER should tell me everything I need to know. Here's why... It's a period western! No gratuitous celebrity cameos...no Hollywood insider gags...no 'out-of-character for the sake of a laugh' superhero moments...just a straight-forward Western/Comedy tale. Of course if the sheriff of the town turns out to be named 'TOBIAS LENO' Great-grandfather to Jay, then it will be a failed experiment right from the get-go! Lets see if he's up for the challenge! I hope so, because I'd hate for Zimmerman to be permanently relegated to the fanboy doghouse (currently occupied by the likes of: Frank Tieri/Howard Mackie/Scott lobdell/Chris Claremont/and John Byrne) so early in his comic book career. There's still time to turn things around! Incidentally, the work I'm enjoying most from Zimmerman right now is his on-line column, which I believe can be found at "GHMonline.com" His barb-tongued, ugly, scathing (and somewhat self-deprecating) approach to the world of show business, is truly hilarious stuff. In this avenue, he even leaves the tame-by-comparison HOWARD STERN in the dust! If only it were updated daily...or at the very least weekly, instead of sporadically as his busy writing schedule (and amount of built-up bile, to be sure) allows.

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I can appreciate that everyone wants to blow the dust of their 80s properties in order to cash in on the currently hot (but headed for 'not' any month now, I reckon) trend of retreading the past with a spruced-up package. Everything old is new again, as the glut of titles that I never considered buying the first time round continue to roll down Main Street in force. Hey, everyone wants a piece of the pie while there's still a little ice cream on the top. I can respect that. What I don't understand is the fact that everyone on board the bandwagon has decided that the key to their rehashed property's success is MANGA-STYLE ART! How did this become the universal norm, in regards to the born-again 80s books? Was there a secret meeting? Did some high-falutin' mucketty-muck decide that the problem with a comic book about giant folding robots didn't lie in the fact that it was a retarded concept, based on a line of toys that were a direct rip-off of another line of toys...but that the concept just wasn't as Japanesey as it could have been? I don't know, maybe it's just me...but it feels sooo very formulaic. Take an old 80s comic property that was based on another medium...add a little anime...and KA-PLOOEY, instant success. People are actually buying MICRONAUTS, for Pete's sake! And now I hear the rumours that a SMURFS comic book revival is imminent. Will this, too, sport a manga look? This has got to be the weirdest of the big comic fads to come down the pike in years. Any day now Marvel will be announcing their plans for an A-TEAM revival, with UDON doing the art honours. Any one care to bet on how many more months it will last before the speculators figure out they've been had? I give 'em seven...six if they read this column.

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What's with Marvel's new policy of having the most boring covers in history? Quesada and BILL JEMAS decided that covers with multi-characters in action poses, reflecting something -- anything -- that's going on in the book was a bad idea. They called it the 'group grope.' Very clever. Instead they, in their infinite wisdom, decided that covers for each series should look as much like the previous issue of the same series as possible. In other words, one issue of Spider-Man would have a cover image of Spidey posing against the back drop of a tall building...while the next issue of Spiderman would have Spidey posing against the back drop of a slightly taller building. Did I mention that they were very clever? Quesada and Jemas cooked up the scheme to drop solicitation copy from the Previews Magazine so that they could surprise the fans, like in the old days before computers, and brains. One problem with this scenario: In the old days, readers had some indication of what the issue would be about by the image on the cover. If ol' Doc Doom was conspiring against Reed Richards in the story, then you could count on an exciting, attention-grabbing, 'can't wait to buy the issue' inducing cover in which we see Reed surrounded by Doom-Bots, with a caption that said something along the lines of, "And DOOM shall inherit the Earth!" Whew, now that's a comic I want to buy...and how! Nowadays, that same comic would have a cover showing Reed alone, posing like a GQ model against a backdrop of the night sky. Yawn. This is the FAB FOUR, not Oprah magazine! Gimmee back my action packed, blurb-ified covers, damn you! There's no way I'm dropping $5 bucks (once again, I'm a Canadian) on a comic if I don't at least have a hint as to what's inside. If I were a conspiracy theorist (which, lets face it...I am!) I would think that the reason for the informally dull, and generic cover images, and extinct solicitation copy is that Marvel has no real idea what's going to happen in the issue. The books are so constantly late that the only thing that even exists is the cover image. That way, emergency fill-in issues can be planted into the run with no-one the wiser. Come on, you know I'm right on this one. Admit it. One of the only exceptions to the lifeless cover image is THE INCREDIBLE HULK which has a constantly morphing tone and font (along the lines of PLANETARY, and PROMETHEA...good company, indeed) which helps it stick out from the Marvel crowd from month to month. It's a novel way to keep with Marvel's ridiculous new policy, while still having a unique, interesting look.

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Whoops, the pilot just announced that we are about to begin our decent, and a kind flight attendant has just made me aware that if I don't shut my laptop off during this critical portion of the flight, I could be responsible for sending 170 people to their deaths, complements of two tons of shredded steel, wrapped in a massive fireball on the runway. She makes a strong argument, I must confess. Besides, I'm pretty much worn out from all my nasty commentary. Just to leave you on a more positive note, I would like to mention that I really am happy with the way the industry is picking up steam. And I want to single out one creator in particular, for not turning his back on Superheroes, but instead embracing them, and making them something to get excited about again. Thanks, GEOFF JOHNS, for giving a shit, and really getting your hands dirty when so many others were simply calling it in. There are others, of course, but we'll save that for the next rant. After all, the rest of the passengers are starting to give me funny looks. I guess they want to live, or something.

[Now that I'm back on solid ground, I should mention that I'll be in attendance at the TORONTO COMIC BOOK/ANIME EXPO at the end of August. I'll be manning a booth on behalf of NELVANA, the animation studio I'm a staff writer for. I assume we will be in the anime section, promoting two of the shows I've written for, BEYBLADE and MEDABOTS. If you happen to wander by, feel free to drop in...I'd love to meet'cha. Also, any professional artists that are interested in expanding to the animation field, ('boys action adventure' in particular) we would love to hear from you...so please drop by. (remember, the definition of 'professional' is someone who is currently working in the industry...with the resume to prove it! Wearing a Spider-Man t-shirt does not make you a professional!)]

NEXT WEEK: THE COMIC BOOK SPECIALTY SHOP: A JOURNEY (PART TWO)! Yep, that's right...a return to the light-hearted humour side. In the meantime, if you want a wickedly sardonic (and oh so filthy) take on recent comic releases, look no further than A.K.'s hilarious TITLE BOUT found elsewhere on the Poop Shoot. There's not enough comic book comedy in the World (especially now that GAIL SIMONE's brilliant "You'll all Be Sorry" column is in repeats, due to her well-deserved promotion to mainstream comic scribe) but what's out there is some fantastically funny stuff. Also, I'm drunk. Damn those mini airplane bottles...they're so deceiving in their diminutive stature. They make me feel like such a big man...but even a big man can cry once in a while. Which is what I'm going to go and do now...

See ya in seven!

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