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I GOT ISSUES

By Ken Cuperus

February 13, 2002 -- Ken Cuperus' column will be on hiatus for a few weeks, but he has a really good reason why:

Here's Ken to say a bit more:
"Parker Maxwell Cuperus was flung naked into the World at 3:21 am on Jan 9, 2003. He weighed in at 6 pounds 13 ounces, and rates about a 3.5 on the power chart from the old Marvel role-playing game. Specialty power -- lungs of unmercilous fury!

It was a miniscule (but horribly painful judging by the 6 inch claw marks on my arms -- graciously goudged into place by some crazy feral lady who was disguised as my wife!) 3 hour labor. Much rejoicing would soon follow. Then some weeping. Then more rejoicing, followed by much poop. But no sleeping. Never sleeping.

As a result, I'm forced to place "I got Issues" on haitus for a short time...until the first Wednsday in February, methinks.

December 23, 2002

'TIS THE SEASON...OR 'TIS IT?

Well, after a couple of feverish weeks, largely spent coughing up squid-shaped globs of Kryptonite, the "I Got Issues" team has finally prevailed against a nasty strain of flu that was clearly brought here from another planet. (Possibly Neptune) And just in time for the holidays, to boot. Whadda'ya know...it's a Christmas miracle. And here I thought that only happened in the movies (usually Christmas movies). Although it's nice to get a clean bill of health, the downside is that work waits for no man, and I'm now desperately behind in my script schedule. So, basically, no Christmas vacation for me. Nice miracle there. No, really. Anyway, all this means to you, my faithful readers, is the slightly erratic column schedule over the next month. And even that may iron itself out before it becomes a factor...so don't get all huffy. As for this edition, I've got some old business to clear up from previous columns...and a Santa's grab-bag of other odds and ends. But first, a little Holiday sassafras to get the ol' snowball rolling...

A CHRISTMAS STORY!

Remember the days when comic book stories would follow the seasons to make them feel more up-to-date and topical? And we could always look forward to some fun Christmas tales in the December releases? Remember? Man, those were the days, huh? Okay, so most of the time the stories themselves were pretty cheesy, or worse, bursting with saccharine-soaked messages of goodwill among men. But at least it was something. And even if the story inside wasn't necessarily a full on Yuletide tale, the covers of many a December release had a nice nod to the holidays. Whether it was Spider-Man knockin' knuckles with the Rhino, who just happened to be disguised as a department store Santa, or Green Lantern (the Hal Jordan years) being electrocuted by a string of Christmas tree lights...the bottom line was that it gave us a sense of time, as well as some light-hearted Holiday cheer. TWO TURTLE DOVES

Even as short a time ago as last year, MARK WAID gave us a silly tale of the JLA saving Christmas, played out as a story Plastic man was sharing with a child; and then there was an issue of SUPERMAN dealing with Clark trying to find the "perfect gift" for his pals in the Justice League. Not exactly groundbreaking stuff, but a sweet stick of candy cane to fill the gap between giant Earth shattering story-lines. Unfortunately, these ghosts of Christmas past seem to have faded away all together. But why?

I guess it could have something to do with the World changing to reflect the more politically correct non-denomination feel, that the now mostly generic Holiday season has become. I don't really think that's it though. Surely we can still have Holiday stories that aren't Christmas specific, can't we? As far as MARVEL COMICS is concerned, their new policies of writing stories that tuck neatly into six-issue trade paperbacks has created somewhat of a time-warp through the titles. Not to mention the fact that since several Marvel titles run on a "We'll release 'em whenever it suits us" schedule, you can hardly guarantee that a holiday-specific issue wouldn't hit the shelves in the middle of July. (for example, ULTIMATE ADVENTURES #4 deals with THE ULTIMATES recruiting HAWK-OWL (and that bratty orphan kid) for the ULTIMATE WAR...unfortunately, the hopelessly late issue now comes out in March, long after the War has ended!) Nope, I'm none to surprised at Marvel's lack of Holiday spirit, as they're far too busy cooking up outrageous (short term money-making) stunts and gimmicks, to focus on something as small and narrow-minded as a stand-alone Christmas issue. I am, however, disappointed with DC comics, who have always seemed to embrace the Holiday spirit with open arms. I'm not sure why this year is different, but whatever the reason, it's definitely a bummer of Dickensian proportions! The GRINCH must be smiling right about now. (And not the happy Grinch from the end of the book, either...nope, we're talking hard-core "early pages" nasty Grinch.)

But don't roast your chestnuts just yet, dear readers....there's still a glimmer of hope twinkling in the Northern sky. Despite the lack of enthusiasm from the mainstream publishers, the fine art of Christmas storytelling isn't completely dead. PAUL DINI (and a stocking full of top creators) presents JINGLE BELLE'S COOL YULE, a TPB chock full of comical Christmas Hi-Jinx, available now from ONI PRESS. Also look for LEWIS THONDEIM and THIERRY ROBIN'S LI'L SANTA from NBM PUBLISHING. A sweet picture story, that will be the perfect addition to any coffee table. (for more info, and a review, check out the December 12 edition of CHRIS ALLEN'S BREAKDOWNS right here on the 'Shoot!)

TWO TURTLE DOVES

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: This portion of the column was written before the "I Got Issues" team flipped through the latest issue of IRON MAN. Imagine our shock to find out that the first portion of the book dealt with Tony doing some Christmas shopping. A pleasant surprise, especially with no indication on the cover that this story takes place in winter (in fact, judging from the cover, Iron Man has grown to the size of Galactus, and is preparing to crush the Earth while floating in space in the middle of an intergalactic lightning storm. But hey, what do I know?) Imagine my surprise to find that my pick of "worst title of the year" was one of the few to actually reflect the season. Wow. Iron Man is now my new favorite comic! ha ha. Just kidding. Hey, lets not get crazy here.]

THE UNTOUCHABLES

Last column I accused Marvel EIC, JOE QUESADA of throwing continuity to the wind, in favor of something called consistency. I still feel strongly that the new Marvel is currently doing irreparable damage to the rich history of their comics line, with their new "If the story is good, Fuck the past" attitude...but in at least one specific case, I owe Mr. Quesada an apology. In reference to UNUS THE UNTOUCHABLE seemingly coming back from the dead without any explanation from writer GRANT MORRISON in the pages of NEW X-MEN, (and Joey da'Q's statement that he "didn't even know Unus was dead.") it turns out that I'm the one who was sadly misinformed. For some reason, the whole topic was bothering me, so I set out to do some research. (Granted, I should have done the research before opening my big mouth in the first place, but, hey...as J. JONAH JAMESON would probably say (if he was real), "that doesn't sell papers!") Digging up the time capsule I had buried in my backyard, I shuffled through my collection of treasured 80s memorabilia, where, right beneath my RUBIK'S SNAKE, and to the left of my TALKING ALF DOLL, I found a beaten up copy of THE OFFICIAL HANDBOOK OF THE MARVEL UNIVERSE (DELUXE EDITION; 1986) -- UNICORN TO WOLVERINE. (What? You've never seen a giant nerd before?) I looked up the entry for UNUS, hoping to find some answers. Here is the final paragraph, listed under the topic of HISTORY:

"Finally [his] force field became so strong that Unus was unable to breathe. He blacked out and the force field dispersed, causing him to fall into the arms of his friend, the Blob. The Blob believed him to be dead and went off on a grief-stricken rampage. But whether or not Unus was truly dead is as yet unknown."

So there you have it. Looks like Unus did manage to survive after all. TWO TURTLE DOVES

And he in fact did turn up once before his NEW X-MEN appearance...in an issue of THUNDERBOLTS. Which is the perfect segue into an interesting coincidence...

On the page opposite UNUS in the Marvel Universe handbook, is the entry for the UNLIMITED CLASS WRESTLING FEDERATION. You may remember this organization as the pro wrestling circuit that the THING joined up with (the ULTIMATE revoltin' development!), during his time away from the FANTASTIC FOUR. (THING #28) "So what?" you may say. "Who cares?" I hear you ask. Well, the thing that I found interesting was that one of Ben Grimm's fellow wrestlers, was none other than the ARMADILLO! "We still don't get the connection," you say? Well, the newly re-vamped THUNDERBOLTS will be changing directions rather drastically come issue #76, becoming a sort of "FIGHT CLUB" for Super-Villains. And who is pictured on the cover? Why, none other than our friend, The Armadillo. So can it be long before JERSEY DEVIL and ICEBERG IKE join the ranks of Brad Pitt wanna-bes? Only time will tell! Incidentally, The new-direction THUNDERBOLTS is written by JOHN ARCUDI (who is currently blowing our minds with his run on DOOM PATROL) so give it a chance, will y?) Even the current-run THUNDERBOLTS purists (yes Virginia, they do exist) owe it to themselves to stick it out for a few issues.

TWO TURTLE DOVES

Every week, I try to pick up one title I don't normally read, just to keep me on my toes. This week I went with BIRDS OF PREY #50, and was more than a little shocked to find that the creative team listed on the cover (TERRY MOORE, and AMANDA CONNOR) was completely different from the creative team listed on the credits page (GILBERT HERNANDEZ, and CASEY JONES). Not the nicest way to greet your new creative team, by any stretch of the imagination. Not that the story itself (part one of a six-parter, that leads into former AGENT X scribe, GAIL SIMONE'S run) didn't have its share of other problems as well. First of all, why is it that every new creator feels it necessary to give us an abbreviated origin of the title characters? It's issue number 50, for crying out loud...we know! And even on the odd chance that a brand new reader, who has never looked at a comic book before, was to stumble into a comic shop through an air duct, and decide to pick up Birds of Prey on a whim...does it really matter that ORACLE used to be BATGIRL? It's cool to mention it in passing, but to be Force-fed the info in a two page "flashback" sequence is a little much. (Incidentally, if you really need to know more about BARBARA GORDON'S early days, you can check out CHUCK DIXON'S nine-issue magnum opus, BATGIRL: YEAR ONE which should be just seeing release even as you read this.) If this was an editorial mandate to try and cross-over fans of the television show, then ouch, it rings even more hollow now that the show has gone the way of the dodo bird. The rest of the issue was a briar patch of too-cartoony art, and uninspired story-telling. Pure filler. With strong female-character driven comic series' always hovering just below the cancellation axe (PETER DAVID'S underrated SUPERGIRL being the latest casualty) the BIRDS OF PREY will need to soar higher, if they want to keep their wings from being clipped.

Well, that's it for this year. Look for the first column of 2003 to hit the 'Shoot in early January, featuring my list of New Year resolutions as they pertain to the world of comics...as well as the long-awaited wrap up of the KEN CUPERUS READS CRAP contest, started by PAUL "The Iceberg" WEISSBURG in his fun-filled HOOPLA! column, over at comicbookgalaxy.com. As per my part of the bargain, I will be reading and reviewing THE FIRST from CROSSGEN, as selected by Paul's readers as the worst comic to ever hit the stands (in hopes, I would surmise, that my brain will ooze out through my nose in disgust...ridding Paul of his greatest web-column competition once and for all). Because my Comic book shop guy refuses to bring in any CrossGen titles (what a snob) I'll also be using the opportunity to check out CrossGen's COMICS ON THE WEB initiative. I'll also be using nose plugs, to try and keep my brain in my head. See ya then! In the meantime, have a very merry generic, politically correct version of whatever winter holiday you happen to celebrate...and a Happy New Year!

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