By Britt Schramm
September 5, 2005
The transition from late August to early September makes me think of two things: 1) That I have to get my wife her birthday present before the 12th of the month; and 2) the upcoming NFL regular season is starting soon. Psst, don’t tell anyone but sometimes, they’re not necessarily in that order.
If you can’t tell by my previous columns, I’m a huge football fan. And since my team, the New England Patriots, have been doing so well, the ever-gracious NFL is producing anything and everything with the Flying Elvis logo either sewn or plastered all over the place. So, if you can imagine Jonny Fairplay hearing the words, “Open Bar”, that’s the same as me seeing all of this Pats stuff in the NFL catalog. It’s hard to resist buying that Patriots Multi-Sport helmet so I can show my son that I can ride my longboard with the proper safety equipment atop my noggin.
But, ever since I joined a fantasy football league back in the mid 90’s, I have to tell you that the annual drafting of players is fun. I like going over three years of stats to determine my “sleeper” player or an unknown player that will probably have a breakout season. I like going to our local bar and making side bets on what round a duplicate player will be chosen by this one guy in our league (for the sake of being anonymous, let’s call him “The Deav”). What I'm trying to say it that drafting your team is half of the fun.
So, what does all of this useless information has to do with comics, you say? Nothing really but my recent draft was the seed that germinated an idea. I was thinking about putting a similar type of effort into drafting a fantasy superhero team.
(I know, I know. Wizard has probably already done something like this but grant me this one boon. And please don’t tell me that I’m not the most original person on this Earth. I hear that all of the time from the wife when the bedroom doors are closed.)
With that disclaimer out of the way, I came up with some guidelines that try to emulate the same ones that are in fantasy football.
The PftL Fantasy Superhero Draft Guidelines (copyright pending)
- Teams can only consist of eight members (labeled the Legion of Super-Heroes rule – if you have to ask for a group roll call every time a crisis arises, you should definitely consider scaling back your team.)
- Only two each from DC, Marvel and Image with two wildcards from smaller press books are allowed. ** GUIDELINE REVISION ** - You can draft up to two from each company but it is not required that you must have two from each company on your roster. For instance, if you want to draft two additional small press heroes instead of two DC heroes, more power to ya.
- Be realistic in your picks. What I mean by “realistic” is that coming up with a lineup that includes an entire group of all-powerful characters like Superman, Iron Man, Captain Marvel (both DC and Marvel versions) doesn’t show much imagination (hello pot – this is kettle calling) and wouldn’t really work since all teams need role-players to do the little things. I also took into consideration the fact that there would be other “owners” that would be participating in this draft. So if I selected Captain America in the Round One, there would be no way that Superman would last to my spot in Round Two.
- There should be no direct duplication of powers on team (i.e. Flash/Quicksilver or Zantanna/Scarlet Witch). You shouldn’t have a very one-sided team that only consist of elemental-based heroes or superheroes with only magical powers. Hell, if that was your team, I think that even the New Warriors would laugh their respective asses off.
- A team leader must be specified since having a team consist of a bunch of guys like Plastic Man, Wonder Man, Booster Gold, Iceman, and Jimmy Olsen the Turtleboy may not be the best one around. But having too many leaders is also not a good idea since different philosophies as well as egos would clash more than Willie Aames and Drill Instructor Harvey. You do not have to take my word for it; why do you think that N*Sync broke up? Joey was trying to plan the band’s next moves and you know JC, Justin, Chris, and Lance weren’t gonna have that. Oops, how did that slip out? Alright, I think that I should just step away from the keyboard right now.
- The only drawback to this draft- There is no way to keep score (hey, I can’t think of everything – I’m just an idea man)
- Lastly, have fun with the draft. Try to come up with a wide sampling from the superhero genre. Even go for some non-conventional ones like Tara Chase (of Queen & Country), Jon Sable or Marv (from Sin City). C’mon, get wacky, man.
So, if you’re still with me, here’s whom I’d draft for my superhero team, which I have nicknamed “East Coast Justice”:
Pick #1 – Batman (Leader – DC) – With all respects to Captain America, Superman and Cyclops, this guy is the real deal. Batman not only is smart enough to take down angry Martians from taking over the world but clever enough to trick an enemy into attacking an alternate reality just to preserve his own. Plus, he always will have counter measures in place just in case there’s a rogue hero within his group. And his monetary support from Wayne Industries should not be overlooked when team expenditures are taken into account. In short, he’s the man you’d want handling any type of crisis.
Pick #2 – Marvel Girl/Phoenix (Marvel) – In any superhero team, there’s a need for a telepath/telekinetic. Jean Grey has been seasoned long enough under the tutelage of Professor X to be the second-in-command on my team. Now, before you say “But, she’s dead” , I’ve said on previous occasions that all superheroes are never dead for long and hello, Jean Grey has died and risen again more times than the mythical bird that is her second moniker.
Pick #3 – Ultra (Image) – In the composition of almost every team, a neophyte’s perspective is usually helpful to help think outside of the box. Ultra is a relative newcomer to the superhero world and she has the goods in more ways than one. She’s damn powerful, is almost invulnerable and can fly. Not only that but it doesn’t hurt that she’s got a smoking body (in a girl next door way) and she has a reputation of putting out which is a great combination in my book. Please. Don’t give me that look – you all were thinking that, too. I’m just not ashamed to admit it.
Pick #4 – Thing (Marvel) – Ahh, here’s the grizzled veteran who can give his unfiltered two cents without caring what the team leader thinks of it. I don’t have to break down Benjamin J. Grimm’s entire credentials in my reasoning but he’s has good brute force and is almost invulnerable. His bawdy wit and droll sarcasm is needed to counteract Batman’s dark and humorless modus operandi.
Pick #5 – Maul (Wildstorm/DC) – Having a size-changer on a team does have its benefits. But with this late pick, more than likely Hank Pym/Goliath/Yellowjacket/Ant Man has already left the board. And most teams need a scientist to help devise new equipment and to analyze all sorts of high-tech crap that they come across. Maul (from the WildC.A.T.S.) is a great addition to my team and is a great value at this pick.
Pick #6 – Blitz (Image) – Since this idea is an offshoot of a fantasy football draft, the classic speedster is a superhero version of a NFL kicker: Makes his points here and there but they’re really about a dime a dozen. And since I already used all of my DC and Marvel picks on other more dynamic (for lack of a better word) heroes, getting a fast guy like Blitz (from Round Table of America) this late in the draft is a steal in my opinion.
Pick #7 – Abe Sapien (Dark Horse) – The selection of Mr. Sapien qualifies as a sleeper type pick. Abe (from his work at the BPRD) has shown the ability to work within a team infrastructure. His obvious amphibious talents (seeing great lengths underwater and being able to breathe underwater) may pale in comparison to the big two of Aquaman and Namor. But, he does not bring the same monarchical inferiority complex that seems to plague the other water breathers when dealing with surface dwellers.
Pick #8 – Mr. Gum (Oni Press) – With the last pick in the draft, I decided to go for the timeless humor quality that a stretchy guy can bring to the team. Mr. Gum (from The Atomics) has a hipster-doofus quality to him that I kinda dig, has a smidge less over-the-top zaniness than Plastic Man and is not the joke that Elongated Man was (before the whole Identity Crisis crap came out). At this pick, you’re really just looking for someone who can contribute to the team.
So, there’s my “East Coast Justice” team. Ya think that you can do better? You want to put your money where your mouth is? You want to win a semi-spectacular prize? Then here’s what you gotta do:
The Preachin’ from the Longbox Fantasy Superhero Team Contest Rules
Follow the PftL Fantasy Superhero Guidelines that were stated previously in this column.
Create your own team and submit your superhero lineup along with your physical mailing address to pftlcontest@gmail.com. (You can just send your superhero list only or you can add your reasoning as I have above.)
Contest deadline is September 16th, 2005 at 11:59.59 PM PST. Only two entries per person. The winner will be notified by Sunday, September 18th, 2005. The winner’s name will be included with the September 19th edition of Preachin’ from the Longbox. Anyone is eligible to enter this contest (except my immediate family as I do not want them to embarrass themselves with their entries. Just kidding. Love you guys but please don’t enter.) The winner will be determined by a panel of one (meaning me) by reviewing the entry’s originality, overall team build and variety of characters used.
The winner will receive the following prize package:
One (1) The Dark Knight Returns Robin Action Figure Mint in Box + One (1) The Dark Knight Returns Joker Action Figure Mint in Box + A copy of The Dark Knight Returns (Seventh Printing) + Some assorted posters from the PftL Prize Closet
Good luck to all and I’ll catch you next time. Don’t forget to keep your bags and boards together and your continuity straight.
Send column-specific e-mail using the link below. You can also read about my thoughts on intersection solicitations, Big Brother 6 and a store that offers shoppers a place to sleep at brittschramm.com. Plus, I also review anything and everything that has to do with Pop Culture at Kung Fu Rodeo.
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