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This week’s sermon – “Behind the Wheel”

By Britt Schramm

March 20, 2006

Hello, my fellow four-color parishioners.

Sorry for such a downbeat salutation but I’m pretty drained right now. I just finished jockeying the counter yet again at the BPC of V on a Saturday and those wacky customers of mine took away whatever semblance of comic books coherent thought that I possessed; like a bad Silver Age Green Lantern comic.

Let go through the roll call (just so you guys can feel my pain as well – I’m a giver after all):

A scary teenage girl who was way too obsessed about all things Alan Moore (having just seen “V for Vendetta” the night before) to the point of asking to look up Aleister Crowley because she never heard for the late 1800’s to early 1900’s English Satanist before; who wouldn’t leave the store when I tried to politely ignore her when I was cleaning up the discounted manga table; who started to carry on my side of the conversation just so she could stay in the store; who tried to prove how cool she was by frequently informing me that she watched “Creepshow” and “The Exorcist” when she was five; and who forced me to use the tried and true trick that all clerks use everywhere in the world – I pretended to call a customer about a received back-ordered item when in actuality I called my wife. Check!

The annoying, blue beret-wearing older lady who proceeded to talk about the lack of clothing on the super-heroines with another customer that morphed into her declaring aloud that she wished that she had a flesh-colored spandex girdle with accompanying faux navel and belly button piercing so she wouldn’t have to go through the whole ordeal of doing sit-ups followed by the noise that I usually make when I almost throw up but catch it in time to shove it back down my throat (imagine the noise that a cat makes when it is coughing up a hairball but with a more fluid gurgle sound). Check!!

The chubby, George Costanza-wannabe perv who was his usual smug and irritating self as he watched me with a Hugh Hefner-style “I’m getting some action” smirk as I scanned his furry Jungle Loving books from his subscription box (and by Jungle Loving, I’m talking skunk girls getting worked over from behind by enormously endowed donkey men). The thought of me jumping over the counter and beating him within an inch of his life still brings a smile to my face. Check, please!!!

So, with my focus as well as my patience at an all-time low, I can’t even think about writing about anything related to comics this week. And for that, I’m sorry.

But never fear, dear readers, I will not leave you in the lurch. I was so fortunate to get a whole four (you read right, four) emails from people not related to me and not related to each other about last week’s column. And one of them had an unbelievable bout of diarrhea of the keyboard so I feel compelled to return in kind. In other words, I’m letting you guys, the readers, do the steering of this week’s column. God helps us all.

Now, on to the emails…

PftL Mailbox

Jeff M. gives his thoughts as a creator on the web (as well as slyly tries to work a plug for his own website):

“I'm a cartoonist that draws just for the love of drawing. I love comics and everything that made comics great. I go to conventions and if there were any in my area I would be one of those regulars at comic shops (the regulars that bath). The one thing about comics that I don't care for are reading them online. I post my own comics online (www.manleydays.blogspot.com) only to get buzz going for the collected books (that I print myself - another great thing about comics... mini-comics). I would rather view my comics on paper than on screen. I have other cartoonist friends who are the same way. So, between them and you I know I am not alone. Thank You.”

PftL: Jeff, you’re never truly alone when you bathe regularly. It does sadden me that you don’t have a comic shop in your area. That’s the one sucky part about this whole thing. It’s possible that people who download now might not do it if they had a local store that they could go to buy their books. And, it’s good to hear that even web cartoonists like to read their comics in their hands; not on a computer.

Mike from over the pond in the Netherlands, where you can walk into a movie theater and buy a beer. And I don't mean just like no paper cup, I'm talking about a glass of beer, tries to straddle the line of both traditional and digital comic book reading with his slightly different viewpoint:

“Hey Britt,

Although I agree with your article that comics should be in paper form (this is the best way to read comics), I’m also happy that people take their time to scan them and put them on the net.

Let me explain. Since I live in the far of place called “Comicshardtofindville” population one comic shop (which more than most I know). But waiting for that back issue I missed, for 5 years, so I can finally read/have the whole story, is tiresome.

Sure there’s always the Bay, but paying 10 bucks for S&H for a comic that is 50 cents, ticks me off. Those 10 bucks I could spend on getting comics I would normally don’t get ‘cause they aren’t on my monthly to get list (ended up with some really good comics that way). And than you have those comics that are so rare that they would cost you an arm an a leg just so you can read them. Or buy a TPB for that one issue you missed while you got the other 11.

So in other words: there’s nothing better than print, but I’m sure happy I’ve got internet for backissues and porn.

Anyway that’s my view on it!

” PftL: Mike, I feel your pain concerning the whole eWhoring that sellers perpetrate when selling back issues; especially about the whole shipping & handling overcharge. Now since you live over in the land of legal hash bars, I can see that the prices could be out of control when you’re ordering something from the States but I’m seeing the same charges for a guy like me who lives in the continental US.

But really, the final broken straw about eBay comes after forking over $10 buck for S&H only to see a $2 USPS media mail charge on the received package. That makes a man want to do something so horrible that it would make what medieval acts that Marcellus performed on Zed and his pawnshop buddy seem like a game of tag.

And with Amsterdam’s famed red-light district in your neck of the woods, what are you doing solo-diddling with internet porn? Break the piggy bank and drop the dime, my friend.

(Sorry, but all I know about the Netherlands is what I heard on “Pulp Fiction” and some documentary I saw on HBO back in the 80s. Hopefully, my info is still current.)

PftL steady Eddie C, writes in his support for the non-digitized comics then goes off into a tangent that would make a serious offender like me proud:

“Hey Britt:

Damn, ever since Ryall and Tipton left, it's getting harder to keep up with this site (especially since at first glance it looks like it hasn't been updated in months), but I'm glad I caught your latest article. The intro was friggin hilarious and I agree with your assessment of digital comics. There are many things I like better digitized (music is one of them, though I haven't found a website I quite like yet), but comics isn't one of them. Not only am I against technological progress in comics, but can we bring back the thought-balloons. Doesn't anybody like the thought-balloons? Would it kill these companies to have one book with thought-balloons? Sorry, kinda went off-topic there. Anyway, if Speakeasy went under, does that mean their books are now unavailable? What about "Parting Ways"? You recommended that one, didn't you? Is that one still available and where can I get it?

You're my source for independent publishers. I'm afraid to say I wouldn't know anything about small press comics if it weren't for you. Thanks!

Did you get a chance to see "The Ultimate Avengers"? If so, what'd you think? I hated it myself. I can't see how it would appeal to either traditional Avengers fans or Ultimates fans. It lacks integral elements of both to please either the traditionalist or a huge Ultimates fan like myself.”

PftL: Eddie, I’m sorry that the loss of Chris and Scott has affected your ability to keep up with the site. But that’s no excuse – I’ve been weekly since that time, my man. If I’m not grabbing your attention enough by just bringing the consistent weekly goodness that is Preachin’ from the Longbox, then I can’t help you. But to show you that there are no hard feelings, I’ll be more than gracious and answer your questions:

1 – Thought balloon are so last millennium. Nowadays, everyone has his or her internal monologues aloud. Stop living in the past, man. Live in the Now!

2 – Yup, when Speakeasy closed its doors, they ceased the printing of their catalog. So, what’s out there now is all that’s left of them. The graphic novel, Parting Ways: The Near-Life Experiences Of Peter Orbach, was published in July of 2005 and is still available at some online outlets. Just an FYI - Writer Andrew Foley was stuck with about three large from the out-of-business publisher for production and promotion costs on the book. So, click the link that’s on the GN’s title to help the guy out. As far as recommending it, my mind is coming up blank. But I thank you for the compliment.

3 – I have bought the Ultimate Avengers DVD but haven’t had a chance to see it. I’ve heard everything from the positive reviews in mainstream press to ones similar to your negative one. I’m gonna try to sneak this one on in the very near future and will let you know what I think – good, bad or indifferent.

Lastly, a reader who will remain nameless sent in an email about his pro-digital comic stance. However, in a strange sense of irony (that was not lost on me), he decided to email me a word-for-word copy of his forum post that he made at the beginning of February somewhere else. Listen, email is becoming the most used form of personal communication today. So, I kinda expect when an email is sent to me, the sender intended only for me to read it as part of a personal discourse. Right now, I feel that an email like that should be considered the lowest form of correspondence. No, not spam but a chain letter.

I dig getting email from you guys out there but if I’m going to put out the effort of responding (as well as possibly posting the entire thing on my column), please do me the common courtesy of, at least, coming up with something original. Or at least tell me that the email is from a post that you made somewhere else and want me to comment on it. I would like to think that I’m bringing some thought provoking quality content to y’all; well, most of the time that is. And to get a warmed up leftover in the old inbox royally pisses me off.

Damn, I told you that I had no patience today.

Alright, my rave out is over. If any of you out there have some questions that need answers or want to sound off about something that pisses you off in comics that you haven’t plastered on some other internet board, don’t let them keep you up at night. Drop me a line here or on the boards and I’ll give you the straight dope – or a reasonable facsimile at the same great price. But it’ll be 100% all me (unless I quote someone else; then it’s less).

Uncensored Reactions to this Week’s Comics

I had planned to do this bit more frequently since I’ve gone weekly. But with the company-wide crossover junk affecting both first look houses (DC’s One Year Later and Marvel’s Civil War), I’ve decided to put Uncensored Reactions in mothballs until the companies return to their senses. In other words, you’ll never see this one again.

That’s it for this week. See ya next time. And, don’t forget to keep your bags and boards together and your continuity straight.

Send column-specific e-mail using the link below. If you want to read my thoughts on George Mason beating Mr Whipple’s basketball team, the death of another TV Host of my youth, and my continued weight loss, please visit brittschramm.com. Also, check out my views of anything and everything that has to do with Pop Culture at Kung Fu Rodeo.

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