And to kick things off proper, the powers that be felt that it would be best if I told you a little bit about myself. But I'm guessing that you don't really care that I'm into puppetry, clog dancing and Dutch porn. I doubt you're concerned with the fact that my turn-on's are inspirational posters, long walks on the beach and webbed toes and that my turn-off's are Spam, "dick-pill" NASCAR sponsors and hairy backs.

See, I know that you really want to hear about music. Everything about music. But right now, you specifically want to hear about the hottest, most exciting releases that 2005 had to give. The true, "must-haves" of this past year, if you will. And, with that in mind, I present to you a smattering of the more amazing albums that I heard this past year, but first, I present my undisputed choice for the best album of 2005…

And look at the album cover. Is it just me or does it appear that Barry may be bringing more than a flower to Babs?

Okay, I'm just joking here. Seriously, the best album that I had the pleasure to purchase was, hands down...

C'mon, look at her. And she can sing, too! You know what I wish? I wish that they had some kind of TV show that could clone this babe and give us a "new Kelly" each and every year. I know that's a lot to ask for, but what a world we would live in if we had TV execs combing the country for a hot "singer" that wasn't burdened with the rigors of writing actual songs or playing actual instrument thingies. I mean, how cool would that be? That TV show, I mean. Ah well, perhaps someday... in that Utopian world of which I dream.

You know, everything else kinda pales in comparison to this, but there were a few other albums that I thought were pretty cool. You might like them, too. In fact, you should go and buy all of these immediately after reading this. For instance, you should go buy. . .

This is the album for people that wish their Flaming Lips weren't so... well, flaming. It's also the album that will TOTALLY freak out your toothless, trailer-park dwelling kin... so I've heard. You see, this band is from Loiusville, Kentucky and have been cranking out alt-country/Southern rock since the late 90's. The only difference? This time, they actually put together a cohesive group of kick-ass songs; each one different from the last. On the album, you have true, alt-Country rockers like "A Wonderful Man," the reggae-infused, Clash-like "Off the Record" and U2-ish "Gideon." Think of this album as the musical equivalent of eating at a buffet. "Why yes, garcon, I WOULD like my tater tots mixed with the Trout Almandine. Oh, and sprinkle some gummi bears on there, will ya?" Good stuff.

Not so much into the whole, alt-country, Wilco-thing? Well then, maybe you should try...

The first time I ever heard of this band was from my brother, who confidently claimed that they were a phenomenal band and the best thing to ever come out of Canada. Well, ahh, he got part of that right. You see, Spoon is actually from Austin, Texas. And the best thing to ever come out of Canada, as most people know, is Anne Murray. However, Spoon IS pretty damned phenomenal. If I were writing a true "review" of the album, I would state:

On this, their latest disc, Jim Eno (drums) and Britt Daniels (vocals/guitar) have managed to infuse their two-beat stomp, indie-rock sound with a hint of British Invasion. What you are left with is a wholly unique mix of catchy songs that sound both cutting edge and comfortable at the same time. Disc highlights include "The Two Sides of Monsiuer Valentine," the Scissor Sister-like "I Turn My Camera On" and the old school Stones romp "Sister Jack." However, every single track is a solid winner and this disc just gets better each time you listen.

But since I'm not writing a real review, I'm just going to say that you should buy this album because the band shares its name with the Tick's battle cry.

Another album that I found to be a proper "kicker of the ass," was the new release from...

Yeah, that's right, INXS. You know, say what you want, but this band was the shit back in the mid to late 80's. And no, I don't care that their front-man, Michael "the man" Hutchence had an unfortunate "accident" while "burping his worm." Hey, shit happens. Doesn't discount the man, or, the band's music. I also say good for the surviving members fiddling around and finding a new, young Hutchence-clone in the form of J.D. Fortune. This new singer sounds great and cranks effortlessly through both the rockers ("Pretty Vegas" and "Devil's Party") and the ballads ("Afterglow" and "God's Top Ten"). Oh yeah, and for you fans of the show ("RockStar INXS"), "Sweet" Suzi McNeal makes a guest "appearance" on "God's Top Ten." Mmmmm... "Sweet" Suzi McNeal. Good, fun.

What's that you say? You like your music with a bit more kick (Ha! How's that for a segue)? No worries, go and grab...

Sure the lyrics are indecipherable, but where else can you hear the bastard off-spring of Rush and Alien Ant Farm? First and foremost, these boys can play some of the best progressive rock going today (No offense, Kings X!). Second, the lead singer, Claudio Sanchez, although looking like the dude selling whippets outside of Ozz-Fest, also happens to be one of the premier guitarists of our day and age. This is some tight, intelligent and rocking music, my friends. And you can use it as background music for your next Dungeon's & Dragon's game-con. Recommended tracks: "Ten Speed (Of God's Blood and Burial),""Always and Never" and "Virgins Until the Day We Die (Mom's Basement Lament)." Okay, I made that last one up.

Oh, I see, that recommendation was a little too hard, huh? How about…

Holy crap. Have you heard the stuff that comes out of this man's mouth? That's right, pure genius. Who else could use his angel's voice to sing of inter-racial relations, serial killers, Satan, venereal disease, mental illness and Hitler and make it all sound so innocent and hilarious? I mean, besides Dan Rather, of course. It really does take a special talent to craft comedy into an enduring song. Tenacious D does it exceptionally well and so does Mr. Lynch. The songs are funny, sure, but they are also great songs. Memorable and catchy, you can appreciate these songs for their craftsmanship as well as their comedy. Album highlights are "Classic Rock Song," "Baby" and "Beelz" (Whooo-hooo!).

All right, all right, comedy not your thing? How about a trip to the dark side? And no, I'm not talking Pink Floyd or Brokeback Mountain. I'm actually talking about Sufjan Stevens.

Illinois (or Come On Fell the Illinoise as it appears on the cover) is pure brilliance. Now, I'm not talking "rocking" brilliance, but brilliance none the less. Who else could make an absolutely beautiful and breathtaking song about the homicidal, pedophilia-inclined clown, John Wayne Gayce? Okay, maybe Bjork... or Enya. This album is haunting, intelligent, different and all about the great state of Illinois. I especially like "Chicago" and the track about Decatur. Top shelf, folks.

Perhaps one of the more surprising albums that I picked up this year was the new one from Oasis, Don't Believe the Truth.

Remember these guys? Sure you do. The two brothers, Noel and Liam, former MTV darlings and unabashed Beatle-thieves, that couldn't get along for more than 10 seconds and couldn't stay sober for more than two? Yeah, those guys. Now, I will admit, I am a huge fan of the British, or Manchester, sound and I like the music these guys put out. But, regardless, this album is easily their best and I would say that "Guess God Thinks I'm Able" and "The Importance of Being Idle" are their two best songs - ever.

I've seen some reviews of this album and most critics shit on it because their "sound" hasn't changed much. Whatever. These are the same critics that thought the new White Stripes, Cold Play and Franz Ferdinand (all outstanding, BTW) where all "amazing" and those albums sound EXACTLY like their respective predecessors. Go buy this album and help keep the booze flowing for these boys.

And finally, one of my true favorites from this year is...

This album is astonishing. Now, I do think that it's a little "odd" that Mark Oliver Everett, or, as I like to call him, "E," is still dwelling on his mom's death from cancer and his sister's suicide, both of which happened years ago, but hey, whatever creams his Twinkie, know what I'm sayin'? First and foremost, if you are already a fan of this guy/band, you know that this "sequel" to Electro-shock Blues is arguably their best album to date. If you are not a fan, this could be the album that turns you into one. Check out the tracks "Railroad Man," "Understanding Salesmen," "Hey Man (Now You're Really Living)" and experience the glory. There is nothing else quite like the Eels sound.

Well, that about does it for the inaugural column, people. There were a bunch more "notable" releases this year, but hey, you can't have everything. And remember, opinions are like assholes. Hope you enjoyed mine. I mean my opinions. You sick bastards.

Send naughty under-garments, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:
M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80004