I'm not sure what in the hell he was doing in the chimney, but hey, who am I to ask? So, to shake off the holiday blues, I have some reviews in store for you today plus a brief primer on the wonderful, fantasy-filled world of progressive rock. Let's get to it, shall we?

Artist: Korn Album: See You On The Other Side Bastard Love Child of: Faith No More and The Red Hot Chili Peppers Best for: Getting back at your parents for always being "on your ass" and for "totally not understanding."

I am going to have to write this review in two parts. First, here is my review for the core fans of this band, or, as I like to refer to them, the White, Suburban, Skateboarding, Hollister-Shopping Mallrats. . .

Yo' dawg... dis album be da' bomb, fo' shizzle. Don't be mindin' dat Head be all MIA n' shit, Korn still smacks dat ass. I know you been hearin' dat dey sound be all illin', but hell no! I tell ya', true, G, dis be da shit. Word, out.

Okay... are the kids gone now? Out vandalizing or smoking the drugs or huffing the glue or whatever? Good.

I am going to be up-front with you people... I am NOT a fan of Corn and it REALLY creeps me out how it can pass entirely through your body with nary a scratch. I am also NOT a fan of the band Korn and it really creeps me out… that album cover, I mean. I will admit that I sort of liked the first single, "Twisted Transistor." Sure, it sounds like all of their other stuff, but I'll admit, I was curious. I was intrigued to see how the band would fare after Brian "Head" Welch ran off to be with another man (a man by the name of Jesus Christ) so I went out and purchased the disc.

And you know what? If Korn were a dog, I'd roll up a newspaper, smack them on their noses and rub their faces in this album because it is crap. The lyrics are juvenile, even for these guys, and most of the rage and "thunder" are gone. Hell, these guys practically invented the seven-string guitar. Where'd it go? Where is the Korn sound that helped 13-year olds the world over revel in their inner angst? Maybe Head stole the sound and is now dropping 7th string bombs on his new congregation during "Jesus Wants Me For a Sunbeam."

Or maybe this new, "softer" Korn is the work of the Matrix, Korn's new production team and the 3 anti-Christ's responsible for unleashing Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilara on the world. Who really knows? Look, if you are a hard-core Korn fan, you will dig this album and praise it for its adventurous and jaunty nature. Of course, you are also the same fan that would buy a recording of Jonathon Davis farting into a mike and praise it for its adventurous and jaunty nature. But honestly, kids, if you really want to get back at your parents by playing music you know they'll hate, go for Rob Zombie. You still get your metal and your funk, only Zombie makes it enjoyable.

Artist: The Strokes Album: First Impressions of Earth Bastard Love Child of: The Killers and The Hives Best for: Pounding the steering wheel and pumping your "devil horns" while tooling down the road in your Suzuki Samurai.

Imagine my surprise at first learning that The Strokes were an actual band and not just the magazines my dad used to hide in his underwear drawer. Oh, and before you fire off an email to me stating that The Strokes technically started this "rock revival" thing and were the predecessors to The Killers and The Hives, just relax and take a deep breath. . . out with the pink, in with the blue. I know this. . . it was a joke. . . kinda like the whole Kelly Clarkson thing from last time. What I mean by this is (**RHETORICAL QUESTION WARNING!!!**) how pissed must these guys be at the fact that they start something, become HUGE media darlings, crap the bed on their second album out and watch The Killers, The Hives, Franz Ferdinand and even the White Stripes all go on to monster success? So much success, that when The Strokes new album comes out, I think it sounds a hell of a lot like The Killers. Am I stating this in a derisive or derogatory manner? ABSOLUTELY not. I actually really dig this new album. It's "comfortable," it rocks, it's fun and it is a more solid effort than their first disc, Is This It?.

The new album starts off great with perhaps the best song on the disc, "You Only Live Once," and remains strong. Sonically, the album doesn't present anything ground-breaking, but all of the songs are catchy and immediately likeable. In fact, I would argue that the first single released, the one getting all the airplay, "Juicebox," is one of the weaker tunes on the disc. So, if you are into that tune, to paraphrase the Rock, "You're smellin' what they're cookin'." If you are a fan of these types of bands, there is no need to cherry-pick songs off this one from your favorite on-line music source (personally, I like the one that rhymes with impugns); just buy the whole thing; you won't be disappointed. Good stuff, The Strokes. . . welcome back. Don't try to get too cute again with next one, 'k?

A DUMMY'S GUIDE TO... PROGRESSIVE ROCK

Well, after the last column, it appears we have some progressive rock fans out there. And to you fine folks, I say, "We are one. And together we shall drink from the fountain of Lamneth while we suckle the babes of Eberron with our ample teats and dance around the sword of Galbreath." Actually, I'm just joking. However, I know for a fact that many of you out there view progressive rock in this manner and think that most of the fans look like this. . .

But see, you'd be wrong. . . mostly. A majority of progressive rock fans actually look more like this. . .

See? No reason to be scared. . . we are harmless, gentle creatures.

Now, a lot of people tend to view prog rock as the Bill O'Reily of the music world. . .self-indulgent and pompous. And some of it is, sure. But there's a ton of progressive music out there that is surprisingly accessible and enjoyable and has absolutely NOTHING to do with hobbits, dragons or cod-pieces. So, with that in mind, I am going to give you some prog rock staples to help flush out your musical collection. You may be surprised to see some of the bands in here. Feel free to mix these into your random play-lists like you do with that Miles Davis CD or the Mozart's Greatest Hits disc that you throw on to show your friends that you have a little "class."

Pink Floyd's The Wall or Darkside of the Moon - Of course, if you don't already own at least one of these, be gone with you. You are dead to me.

Rush's 2112 - Rush is arguably the "biggest" prog rock act and one that is still rocking strong after 30 years. Great album. . .tells a story about a world that outlaws music. . .think "Footloose" in space.

Yes The Yes Album - This album was Pre-Trevor Rabin and "Owner of a Lonely Heart," but it still rocks. It also contains the song, "Starship Trooper," that Paul Verhoeven made into a movie by adding giant bugs and boobies.

Queensryche Operation Mindcrime- Don't let the fact that Geoff Tate's face looks like somebody lit it on fire and then pissed on it to put it out scare you. The guy has one of the best voices in rock and uses it here to sing a murder mystery.

Dream Theater Images and Words - These guys are largely regarded as some of the best musicians playing today. Let this album stand as "Exhibit A."

King's X Ogre Tones - This is the new one from Ty Tabor (he of the Afro-mullet) and gang and it is mind-blowing. Seriously. King's X is FAR too good a band to be living in obscurity, so what do you say, huh? Help a brother out.

Smashing Pumpkins Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness - That's right, folks, bald and chubby Billy Corgan actually fronted a prog rock outfit. This album is classic Pumpkins, meaning, Billy Corgan does all the heavy lifting while the Asian guy, the creepy chick and the drummer (those are their actual names, I believe) stand around and "look busy."

Radiohead's OK Computer - This is a true, modern classic. You have probably heard OF this record, but if you haven't heard it, you need to rectify that immediately.

The Mars Volta Francis the Mute - So, At The Drive-In blows up and you get The Mars Volta and Sparta. That's pretty damn impressive. For classification purposes, consider The Mars Volta as the non-Emo side of the house. Be forewarned, this is some challenging stuff, but give it a couple of listens and I'm sure that you will find that it is truly an amazing and unique album.

Well, friends, that about does it for this week. Obviously, there are many more progressive rock bands and music out there to explore, so be adventurous with your next musical selection. Until next time, wear it proud and play it loud!!!!

Special thanks to http://www.mulletsgalore.com/ for the sweet pictures of my BIFPIB brethren. And for those of you "not in the know," BIFPIB stands for "Business In Front, Party In Back." You know. . .hockey hair.

Send your high school yearbook pictures, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001