Pretty sweet, huh? That’s right, ladies, I have now become an irresistible force and I cannot be denied. Look for me and my sweet ride in the next Vin Diesel/Paul Walker flick, The Fast and the Furious III: 2Dum2Spel.

As for music, we have a couple of big, new releases, including one from the future Mrs. M.C. Bell, so what do you say? Let’s get to it, shall we?

Artist: Yellowcard Album: Lights And Sounds Bastard Love Child of: Blink 182 and Jimmy Eat World Best for: Getting your Frat Brothers totally psyched about the next round of homo-erotic pledge hazings.

In soccer, I’m pretty sure you’d get a yellow card for doing this. . .

In music, I’m pretty sure Yellowcard should get a yellow card for having a violin player. Seriously. In fact, here is a snippet of actual conversation, recently over-heard at a Yellowcard backstage party. . .

Hot groupie, in sexy voice: “So, ahh, what do you DO in the band?”

Violin guy: “I, ahh. . .umm, I play violin.”

Hot groupie, incredulous: ”You play violin for a punk-pop band?”

Violin guy: “Umm. . .yeah.”

Hot groupie, angry: “Dude. . .fuck you! I was being serious. If you don’t want to tell me, fine. You don’t have to be a dick.”

Hot groupie throws drink in Violin Guy’s face and goes off in search of the lead singer, who she thinks is Eminem.

Actually, I’m only kidding. . .kinda. The violin guy, we’ll call him Sean Mackin for short, is actually quite talented. But that’s also kinda my point. Sure he’s talented, but what purpose does he really serve aside from the novelty? He is a non-entity on the band’s bigger “hits” and the songs where you can actually hear him play are mostly throw-aways. Case in point: if you’ve ever seen these guys in concert, you know that he spends most of his time on-stage hopping around like a Bosstone (see: Bosstone, Mighty Mighty). Or, if you prefer, think Itzhak Pearlman. . .if he could dance. . .and was hopped up on crack.

Yellowcard has always been at their best when channeling their inner Jimmy Eat World. Songs like “Ocean Avenue” and “Only One” from the first album, Ocean Avenue, are prime examples of this. Obviously not a stupid bunch, these guys realized this fact and continued the familiar formula on the new disc by offering up safe tunes like “Lights and Sounds” and “Rough Landing, Holly.” These are good songs. . .not great songs and there-in lies my issue with the new album, Lights and Sounds. . .good, not great.

However, I will give these guys some props for attempting to branch out a bit, as they further soften their sound and attempt to give Sean more to do. There are some nice violin moments on the disc, like the intro track “Three Flights Up,” but again, I gotta ask, what the hell’s the point? If you want beautiful violin concertos, go pick up Pearlman’s Greatest Hits.If you want a better example of punk-pop, and a damn fine disc, go pick up Jimmy Eat World’s Bleed American. Better luck next time, gentlemen.

Artist: Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins Album: Rabbit Fur Coat Bastard Love Child of: Cowboy Junkies and Patsy Cline Best for: Conjuring up images of all the nasty things you’d like to do to Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins.

You know, I’m not sure if it’s the fact that it is getting close to Valentine’s Day (Thank you, Hallmark!) or if it’s all of the Viagara I’ve been ingesting lately, but I feel compelled to tell you all that I’m in love. Her name is Jenny and she sings in a band. I know! I can’t believe it myself. I mean, I’ve liked her for awhile now, but we were mostly “just friends.” But then, I don’t know if it was planned or an accident or what, but suddenly. . .BAM!! She started singing to me with that voice of hers and then flashed me the twins!

Hot damn! Now, I will fully admit I am completely infatuated with the former child star, current Rilo Kiley front-hottie and future Mrs. M.C. Bell. You see, note only is she cute as hell (and yes, hell is very cute), but Jenny has a voice, equal parts sultry and sexy, that could turn the Brokeback cowboys straight. I mean really straight, not just “until we’re alone in the mountains” straight. And, as if that wasn’t enough, for this latest side-effort, Jenny went out and found these hot, Kentucky-born, harmonizing twins to sing back up. Good lord. . .I need a smoke.

Now, I should also admit that I am a bit annoyed that Jenny had to go and ruin all the hot girl-on-girl action here by throwing some dudes into the mix. But considering that the dudes are artists like Connor “Bright Eyes” Oberst, Ben “Death Cab For Cutie” Gibbard and a couple of the swinging dicks from Maroon 5, I’ll forgive her. Also, she really only uses these guys for the Traveling Wilbury’s cover, "Handle With Care," so I know they don’t really mean anything to her. She was probably just trying to make me jealous or something.

However, this album is mostly just Jenny and the twins putting a modern stamp on some old sounding music, or, as I like to call her style here, “alternative gospel.” And no, pagans, you shouldn’t fear because I don’t mean that in a religious sense but in the “blending of country, folk, bluegrass. . .all sprinkled with a hint of deep soul” sense. The songwriting here is strong and the tunes are all memorable, but my personal favorite has to be “Melt Your Heart.” And you know what, Jenny? You did. You did.

For those of you not familiar with Rilo Kiley, I gotta say, “What the. . .?” Then I gotta say that their last album, More Adventurous, is definitely worth owning. Think of the sound as a mix between the Cowboy Junkies (yes, again with Cowboy Junkies) and Toad the Wet Sprocket. . .heavy on the Toad. The disc is solid with the stand out tracks being “Portions for Foxes,” “It’s A Hit,” “Accidental Deth” and “I Never.” All sung by Jenny. . .mmmm, Jenny.

ROCK STAR: INFE-X-IUOS

I have made no secret of my fondness for the band INXS and, especially, their auto-erotic asphyxiation-loving ex-frontman, Michael Hutchence. Side note: I recently signed up for their fan club and they sent me a leather belt, a bottle of lotion and a box of tissues all emblazoned with the INXS logo.

Now, I actually had the good fortune to see the original INXS line-up a couple of times before Hutchence. . .umm, “spanked” himself to death. Both times, without sounding all “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,” Hutchence was electric. You couldn’t take your eyes off him. I have never seen another lead singer command the audience the way that this guy did. In fact, one of those shows still stands as a “top 10” personal concert experience.

So needless to say, upon hearing of the upcoming tour and knowing that I was going to see it, I was intrigued to see how J.D. “Bad Tat” Fortune would compare. And, much as it was with the new album, I was more than a little surprised.

Before I get to that, though, I gotta say that concerts should be held in concert venues. We have a bunch of decent ones around (and one stellar one, Red Rocks) that could easily have accommodated this show. Think any of them were used? Hell no. Some ass-monkey had the bright idea to stage the show at the new Convention Center here in town. That’s right, tonight INXS. Tomorrow night. . .the Office Depot 2006 Sales Kick-Off Meeting.

Luckily, the acoustics in the place were decent and any kinks were worked out during Marty Casey’s set. That’s right, friends of the show. Marty Casey, the “mad conductor” and contest runner-up, opened the festivities. And, much like it was on the show, to see Marty waving his arms around as if trying to share a really good fart with the first seven rows, is truly bizarre. Other than that, though, I thought Marty did a decent job of tearing through his newly formed catalog of Foo Fighter rip-offs. He even played a rocked up version of “Ring of Fire” to end the set. Not bad at all.

But I wasn’t there to see Marty. I wanted to see J.D. and to see if he really was “right for the band, mate.” And I will tell you right now, he absolutely is. No, he is not Michael Hutchence, but there is no shame in that. Few men are. . .although, I have a sneaky suspicion that Pee Wee Herman might be close. The swagger is noticeably more mellow and J.D. is no where near as commanding as Hutchence. However, these are relatively small gripes and overall, J.D. looked and acted every bit the “rock star.”

As impressed as I was with J.D.’s stage presence, I am actually more impressed that he could belt out the classics and the new tunes, with equal zeal, in a voice that is damn near identical to Hutchence. Yes, I realize that statement basically makes these guys the “world’s biggest cover band” but what the hell. Could you imagine wanting to see this band with someone that didn’t sound like Hutchence? Yeah, me either.

I am also impressed that J.D. is an actual singer. What do I mean by that? Well, you see, the first time J.D. opened his mouth to banter between songs, the voice that came from his throat was reminiscent of Linda Blair’s in the Exorcist. The man's speaking voice was horrific. In fact, he made a point of commenting on how “ill” he was and that he really shouldn’t have been there that night. Combine that with how crappy and sick he sounded and all I could think for the rest of the show was: “That’s fucking great, J.D. Thanks for bringing the bird flu to Denver.”

But Avian Flu aside, J.D. sang phenomenally well. It’s really quite amazing to actually hear an artist sing from the diaphragm and even though his speaking voice was trashed, he sounded great belting out the tunes. In fact, the whole band sounded fantastic as they tore through some choice selections from the new disc, Switch, including “Afterglow,” “Devil’s Party” and, of course, “Pretty Vegas” as well as staples like “Original Sin,” “Suicide Blonde” and “What You Need.”

Well done, INXS, well done. Now, if you’ll excuse, my nose is running, I have a headache and I keep coughing up feathers.

So, until next time, keep playin’ it loud. . .

Send Thera-Flu, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001

Special thanks to http://www.joe-eks.com/ for the sweet pictures of my bitchin’, pimped out ride.