Now, say what you will, but if it hadn’t been for this article (Thanks, Hef!), I never would have known that Willa likes rough and tumble guys. In fact, she likes rough and tumble guys who are also cage fighters. So, in order to win her over, I did what any other red-blooded, horny and “bead-less” male would do and I told her I was a cage fighter. Of course, then she wanted me to prove it, soooo. . . .

I hopped in the cage with this big, cuddly bear. Needless to say, things didn’t go well for me. But regardless, my plan worked and I won Willa over. And I gotta tell you. . .she has been so supportive after the removal of my spleen and she doesn’t even complain while puréeing all of my food. I think it’s sweet, too, when she hums the tune from “Deliverance” while brushing my tooth. Oh, and the sponge baths? Good Lord. Of course, I gotta admit, it is DEFINITELY a bummer having to type this column with my big toe.

But enough about me. . .let’s talk some music, eh? This time out, we have a new disc from the current, “hottest ever!” British band, the Arctic Monkeys, as well as one from their label mates the Test Icicles and a new one from Elbow. Plus, we reveal the winners of our contest. So. . .how do these new discs hold up? Let’s find out, shall we?

Artist: Arctic Monkeys Album:Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not Bastard Love Child of: The Clash and The Sex Pistols Best for: Background music to smashing your pint glass against the head of the wanker sitting next to you in the pub wearing a Chelsea kit.

You gotta love the British music press. Each time a new, English band strings together more than a couple of “hits,” they are quick to shout, “Behold! The next Beatles!” Of course, after a really hot shower, I like to jump out and shout, “Behold! 9 inches!” The only difference between these two, absurd statements? After making their statement, the British music press probably doesn’t attempt the “helicopter.” However, I will admit that there are some striking similarities between the Beatles and the Arctic Monkeys. For instance, there are four of them. They are also English. And one of them was married to Yoko Ono. Okay. . .I made that one up. But that is about as close as the Arctic Monkeys are going to get to the legacy of the Beatles.

Hailing from Sheffield, England, the Artic Monkeys have been tearing up the British charts with their brand of ska-tinged punk for quite some time. Prior to having a record deal, the band, consisting of lead vocalist Alex Turner, guitarist Jamie Cook, bass player Andy Nicholson and drummer Matt Helders, created enormous word-of-mouth hype by distributing demos at their early gigs. The end result? England’s fastest selling debut album. . .ever.

But again, as we have seen with all of the other “next Beatles,” success in England does not guarantee success here (I’m looking at you, Duran Duran, Oasis and Stone Roses!!). Are they a crappy band? Hell no. But they are extremely British (in accent and terminology) and frankly, their sound is not going to translate as well over here in the States as it does in the working class burrows of London and Sheffield. Over in England, the Monkeys were able to give a voice to the disenfranchised, poor, young clubbers. Here, in the land of Fall Out Boy, they merely provide in-store music for Abercrombie & Fitch.

However, all of the absurd and over-blown comparisons aside, this is a great, stand alone effort and it is worthy of its own praise. All of the songs have ample hooks and Turner’s wordy, lyrical approach is unique and entertaining. Highlights on the disc, for me, are the songs “When the Sun Goes Down,” the last and longest song, “A Certain Romance” and “Riot Van.” The CD gets better each time you listen and there is a decent variety of sounds from song to song. In other words, I don’t see myself getting bored with this disc anytime soon. Definitely top shelf.

Rating: 4 out of 5

Seriously. . .why the hell do people waste time trying to discover the “next Beatles” when they can easily re-visit the original? I know many people have their own ranking system for Beatles albums, but my personal number one is Rubber Soul. This is the album that saw the “original boy band” sound begin to be replaced by more worldly and sweeping arrangements. For those of you unfamiliar with this album, and yes, I said album, Rubber Soul contains some huge tracks like “Norwegian Wood,” “Nowhere Man,” “In My Life” and “Drive My Car.” If you haven’t checked out the Beatles in awhile or, for some unknown reason, you’ve really never checked them out, do yourself a favor and dig in. Any album will do. You won’t be disappointed.

Artist: Test Icicles Album: For Screening Purposes Only Bastard Love Child of: Everybody. . .this shit is all over the board. Best for: Calling all of the Arctic Monkey fans a bunch of pussies.

So, the Arctic Monkeys a little too tame for your tastes? Like your music a bit less commercial and a bit more ADD? Like clever, pseudo-sexual naming conventions? Have I got a band for you!

If the Arctic Monkeys are the Jessica Simpson of the punk world, then the Test Icicles are the ugly sister, Ashley. And DAMN!!!. . .is she ugly. In fact, I heard that the producers of the Dukes of Hazzard originally gave the part of Daisy Duke to Ashley, but had to rescind the offer because of the “skimpy bathing suit” scene. Apparently, Ashley’s balls showed. Or rather, her “test icicles” showed. True story. Where was I? Oh yeah. . .

You are not going to find a slick and polished album here. In fact, even their label, Domino Records, same label as the Arctic Monkeys, can’t even nail down their sound. The press kit for the new disc describes the band as "restlessly inventive dudes, with divergent backgrounds in hardcore, metal, hardcore metal, and hip-hop". . .and punk and electronica and alternative and. . .you name it. I believe the technical term here is “cluster fuck.” And there in lies the problem. . .at least musically.

However, punk attitude? No problem there. These guys have it in spades. In fact, I would argue that these guys do a brilliant job in capturing the 70’s punk attitude that sprang from the “pussy rock” of that decade. Their music is loud, obnoxious and blatantly non-commercial. The Test Icicles aren’t trying to be the next Franz Ferdinand. Thank God. The world needs another Franz Ferdinand like I need another nipple. The ones I have now are worthless, so why in the hell do I need another one? See where I’m going with this?

Now, don’t be too afraid. There are some decent and “accessible” songs on the disc, most notably the first, and most likely, only, single, “Boa vs. Python” and “Circle, Square, Triangle.” However, be forewarned, the remaining songs are aggressive, snotty and noisy. . .but not entirely unpleasant. If you are looking for some throw-back, unrepentant British punk, look no further. Otherwise, steer clear and wait patiently for the next Michael Buble disc. He’s soooooo dreamy!

Rating: 3.5 out of 5

Artist: Elbow Album:Leaders of the Free World Bastard Love Child of: Peter Gabriel and Radiohead Best for: Passing the time between actual Peter Gabriel releases.

Well. . .might as well continue with the all-British version of Music for the Masses, eh? And I gotta say. . .”Behold. . .the next Beatles!!” Because they are British and. . .they sing. . .and. . oh hell, I’m just joking. Elbow is actually a bit of an oddity when it comes to the British music scene. First and foremost, this album has been out for something like 18 years in England and has done quite well. But the U.S.? The disc came out last week and not so much. Also, this band is a bit of an anomaly because they are not part of the new, English punk scene and they are nowhere near as commercial as bands like Coldplay, Travis or Keane. They are honest to goodness, actual British alternative. Pretty crazy, huh?

Elbow, comprised of vocalist Guy Garvey (no relation to Steve), drummer Richard Jupp, organist (he he!) Craig Potter (no relation to Harry), guitarist Mark Potter (no relation to Beatrix) and bassist Pete Turner (no relation to Ike), describe themselves as “prog without the solos.” I describe them as “Peter Gabriel without the hits.” Garvey’s voice is haunting and moody, much like Gabriel’s, and even though Elbow cranks out some catchy tunes, nothing in their backlog of work even comes close to the type of pop that Gabriel can whip out in his sleep.

But by purposefully shying away from the more heavy-handed pop approach of Peter Gabriel and bands like Coldplay, Keane, and Travis, Elbow is actually able to carve out a nice little niche for themselves. Think more along the lines of alternative/progressive without the self-indulgence and noodling. Personally, I find their music to be more intricate and interesting than most of the British big boys and just as melodic and catchy. It’s really a cool sound. For instance, the first single off the disc, “Forget Myself,” starts off with a kicking drum beat before morphing into this moody, hook-laden march. Most of the songs are winners here, but the best tunes are the title track, “Leaders of the Free World,” “An Imagined Affair” and “My Very Best.”

If you are looking for a different take on the standard, English sound, give this group and this album a listen. I think you’ll dig it.

Rating: 4 out of 5

AND THE WEINER IS. . .???

Well, friends, it is time to announce the winners of the first ever, Music for the Masses contest. But before we get to the winners, I must take the time to applaud all of you who entered for shying away from the “Brokeback Mountain” jokes. It would have been so easy for all of you to submit “Got drunk, fucked my friend; told my wife I went fly fishing but the only pole I used had hair at the base,” but you, my friends, were better than that. You put your little crayon to paper and came up with some great ideas, all by yourselves. You’re all such big boys, yes you are. Gold Stars and Smiley-faces all around. You all made me so damn proud and bless each and every one of you sick, little bastards for entering this thing. In fact, I haven’t seen creativity like this since George Michael had to explain to the cops what he was doing, passed out in his car, covered in blow and clutching a gimp mask.

So. . .let’s get on with the festivities, shall we?

Up first, the winner for “Best Use Of A Vehicle In A Song Title” goes to:

D. Lowman of North Hollywood, CA for: "My Pickup Thinks I'm Sexy (The Ballad of the Delusional, Inbred, Retard)." Here to accept the award for Mr. Lowman is Corky, from “Life Goes On.” Uh oh, what’s that Corky? There’s a special place in hell for people that still use the term “retard?” Well, aren’t you cute. You know, you slow, silly bastards sure know how to make me giggle. Now move along. . .I believe your short, little bus is double parked.

Up next, the award for “Best Use Of A Timely Political Jab In A Song” goes to:

B. Richardson of Evergreen, CO for this little gem: “Come and listen to a story about a man named Dick. . .a poor mountain boy went and shot his buddy Whit. . .” And kudus to you, Mr. Richardson, for almost making that rhyme. You truly are the Dr. Suess of our time.

Moving on. . .the award for “Most Blatant Bit Of Plagiarism” goes to A. Hoffman of Lutz, FL, for his Dixie Chick-inspired, song title contribution: “Puttin’ the C*unt Back in Country.” Good job, Mr. Hoffman. . .Shooter Jennings’ lawyer would like to have a word with you after the ceremony.

Our next winner comes to us all the way from Canada. Canada? They have computers in Canada? Who knew? I better type slower so my Canadian fans can read along. . .

Congratulations go out to W. Gauvin from Moncton, NB Canada for his winning, song title submission in the category of “Wow! Domestic Violence CAN Be Funny” for: “If she had been a lady, I wouldn’t a hit her.” Hey Mr. Gauvin? I’m sure you already know this one, but what do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You told her twice already!

Just joking, ladies. Domestic abuse is never funny. But midget porn? Fucking hilarious.

And that brings us to the final award of the evening. The award for “I Put Way Too Much Thought And Effort Into This Contest Because I Am Lonely And Have Too Much Time On My Hands Because My Mom Won’t Allow Me To Have Girls In The Basement So I Have To Pay For Sex In Dirty Motel Rooms With Pre-Surgery, Taiwanese Transsexuals Named Kim Who Tell Me They Will Love Me Long Time But It Really Is Only Like 5 Minutes Because If I Try To Last Longer By Thinking Of Old Ladies Or Dead Puppies Or Whatever It Will Go Soft Oh Dear Lord Please Put An End To My Pitiful Existence” goes to:

M. Rose of Eden Prairie, MN for his submission, and I quote:

“Oh what a night...gettin' head in the pickup truck while drivin', losin' control, spillin' mah beer on her head, drivin' into the new trailer home, killin' the new dog under the porch, and knockin' her dad out of the couch where he was watchin' NASCAR. She damn near bit mah dick off. Oh what a night....” Good job, Mr. Rose. The police have been notified and will be there shortly so you may want to go ahead and take the heads out of the freezer.

And on that note. . .

Time to wrap things up for this week, friends, so until next time, keep wearing it proud and playing it loud.

Send your spare spleens or kidneys, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001