Regardless, I am pretty excited. Not only do I have the potential of winning some much needed dough to pad my “Happy Ending” Emergency Fund, but I also get the opportunity to show some school pride and cheer my favorite team on to victory. In fact, I decided early on that this would be the year to show my support in a slightly more permanent way. No, I’m not talking “target tattoo above the ass” here. Who do you think I am? A sorority girl? No, I wanted something original, yet bold enough to make a statement and sufficiently express the love I have, at least for the next week and a half, for my favorite college hoops team. So, I enlisted the aide of some friends and, well. . .behold, the glory. . .

Now, I should point out that I learned an important lesson here. . prior to shaving your favorite team logo into your back hair, it is important to ensure that your team actually makes it into said tournament. Luckily, though, it wasn’t a total loss as I was able to donate my shavings to a worthy cause and a good friend. . .

Enjoy the back hair, Mr. Trump. I must say, it definitely looks better on your head than it did on my back. Oh, and Donald? I just sent you a new batch of shavings. And let me tell you, my friend, contrary to what you might think, a “Brazilian” looks FANTASTIC on a man. Feel free to use the new batch to make yourself a little mustache or goatee.

But enough about personal grooming, friends. We have a full boat of new and near new releases to get to. This time out, we have the new disc from an old favorite, David Gilmour, plus new ones from the rapping jew, Matisyahu, and Stains’ own Hard Fi. So. . .what do you say? Let’s get to it, shall we?

Artist: David Gilmour Album: On An Island Bastard Love Child of: Hold on. . .wait for it. . .wait for it. . .that’s right, Pink Floyd. What the hell’d you think I was gonna say? Best for: Tripping balls so hard you actually see sound.

I have to say, when I first heard that David Gilmour was going to release a new studio album, his first solo effort in over 18 years, I damn near pissed myself, I was so excited. In fact, I don’t recall being that surprised by a bit of news since learning that drinking beer for breakfast might indicate that you have a “problem.”

Still, one of my all time favorite guitarists from one of my all time favorite bands was coming out with some new tunes. How cool was that? So I did what any self-respecting Floyd fan would do and pitched a tent in front of the local record shop, dropped a few tabs of acid, watched my hand melt and bat wings sprout out of my ass and awaited the arrival of the new disc. And I gotta tell you, after a hand-full of listens now. . .holy crap. . .am I disappointed.

Now, the album starts off promisingly enough with the typical, Floyd-esque mood setter: a blend of spacey synthesizers and random sound effects that builds nicely into a tasty, Gilmour guitar solo. That’s right, I typed the word “tasty.” And I will state, for the record, Gilmour can still play. This guy can do more with fewer notes than almost any other guitarist and his blues-based chops are tight throughout this disc. This opening solo/salvo slides nicely into the first single, and only “great” song on the disc, “On An Island.” Make no mistake, this song is outstanding, even if the backing vocals, provided by David Crosby and Graham Nash, are completely wasted (synthesized beyond recognition).

But what I want you to keep in mind: you are now two songs deep into the disc. Sounds good so far, huh? But hell no. . .it’s all down hill from here, friends. The remaining songs all chug along, SLOWLY, with nary a tempo change. Track number 5, “Red Sky At Night?” Not the Fixx and damn boring. Number 7, “Then I Close My Eyes?” Like watching dog shit turn white. Good lord, I’ve heard more exciting music in an elevator standing next to guy who, apparently, can fart at will. I will fully admit THAT is what pisses me off here. I was fully prepared to love this album. . .all it had to do was show up. It was solid gold, un-heard. Oh well. . . maybe it was just too busy watching bat wings sprout out of it’s ass.

Rating: 2 out of 5

Instead of wasting your hard earned scratch on On An Island, do yourself a favor and pick up Gilmour’s second solo effort, About Face. Recorded almost immediately after the final Floyd album (with the classic line-up, that is), The Final Cut, About Face is more “pop” oriented than later day Floyd, but still choke full of Gilmour’s stellar guitar work (especially on the tracks “Murder” and “Until We Sleep”) and beautifully brilliant voice. Originally released in 1984, this disc has that timeless feel that sounds as good today as it did then. In fact, I just re-visited this disc and it has, again, taken up semi-permanent occupancy in the player. Top shelf, folks.BR>

Artist: Matisyahu Album: Youth Bastard Love Child of: Peter Tosh and Barbara Streissand Best for: Jammin’ in your Shabbat while rollin’ a kosher fattie, mon.

Reggae is a lot like Astro-Glide©. . .a little bit goes a long way. And if you don’t know what Astro-Glide© is, ask a Boy Scout leader. . .or a priest. They’ll show you. Generally, after about 3 songs, I’m ready to check out. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy these songs while listening and I love the genre, but sitting through an entire reggae album takes a special patience. . .a “special patience” generally brought about through the heavy usage of some killer B.C. Bud© or Maui Wowi©.

Enter Mathew Miller, or as his friends like to call him, Matisyahu, the former Phish-fanatic and current reggae Jew. When I originally heard of this guy, all I could think was “GIMMICK!! This guy’s one, giant, circumcised GIMMICK!!!” But then I actually listened to him and you know what? Yeah, he’s got a gimmick, what with the spiritually charged lyrics and traditional, Hasidic look, but he also has a kickin’ sound that moves freely between your basic, one-drop reggae to folk to electronica.

And THAT is what makes him interesting. . .and different. I credit this range to the phenomenal musicians that Matisyahu has surrounded himself with, most notably, guitarist Aaron Dugan and drummer Jonah David. Way to branch out there, ‘Yahu. . .Yahooooooo! Couldn’t find any Gentiles to fit the bill? Irregardless, these two meshugenehs can flat out play. Sure, they can’t eat barley, oats, rye, spelt, wheat. . .or, umm, girls. . .but they can play. “Yay!” for the ability to properly channel sexual repression and religious zealotry!! Bravo, guys.

At their best, Matisyahu, et al, are up there with the greats like Marley and Tosh. At their worst, they still drop stronger tunes than 311 or Sublime. By now, you have more than likely heard the best track on the disc and first single, “King Without A Crown,” but my personal favorites are “Unique Is My Dove,” a song that sounds like a cross between Marley’s “No Woman, No Cry” and “One Love/People Get Ready,” and “Time of Your Song.” Good job, Matisyahu. Next time you’re in town, I’ll sit you down on your tuchis and tell you a killer schmeckle joke over a glass of Manischewitz. Mazeltov, baby!

Rating: 4 out of 5

Artist: Hard Fi Album: Stars of CCTV Bastard Love Child of: The Clash and the Gorillazs Best for:A VH1 “Where Are They Now” retrospective.

You just gotta love one hit wonders. You know these bands/singers. . .they sweep in from obscurity, unleash holy hell in the form of an insanely catchy song, then disappear back to their day shift job at Del Taco; leaving you to suffer through that one damnable song at every wedding you attend for the rest of your life. Yeah. . .those pricks. These names ring a bell? Dexy’s Midnight Runners, Norman Greenbaum, Dream Academy, Snow. . .Pearl Jam (you know it’s true!). Yep, all were able to squeeze off that one decent song before their creative juices completely dried up. Just like a desperate, drunken John that realizes he only has 5 minutes left in “his” hour. Well, friends, to this storied list, I would like to add Hard Fi.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. First, “You bastard! How can you say that about Eddie Vedder and that band that I like but I don’t know why?” And second, “M.C. . . don’t you think it’s a tad early to be adding these guys to the list?” Good questions both. . .allow me to explain. . .at least about the “Hard Fi” thing. I can’t explain Pearl Jam. No one can. Okay. . .MAYBE Stephen Hawking. Like a brain in a jar, that guy.

Hailing from Stains, a “satellite ghost town bereft of soul, style or sobriety” AND the home town of Ali G, Hard Fi is the most recent entry into the “working-class British Punk band” file. Comprised of singer/songwriter Richard Archer, drummer Steve Kemp, guitarist Ross Phillips and bassist Kai Stephens, Hard Fi cranked out an undeniable hit in “Cash Machine,” a jaunty little tune about scraping together enough money for an abortion. So, in other words, I wouldn’t look for this tune at your next Mormon mixer.

The song’s allure lies solely in the fact that it sounds EXACTLY like the Clash. And, if you are a huge Clash fan, such as myself, you are inexplicably drawn to it. But aside from this one, stellar song? Nothing. Seriously. I’m sitting here now, after a half dozen listens, and I can’t recall one other song from the disc. I think that’s a problem, don’t you? Do yourself a favor and hunt down some Clash. You will, as Stephen Hawking would say, in that Speak & Spell© voice of his, “be INFINITELY more satisfied.”

Rating: 5 out 5 for the single “Cash Machine.” 2 out of 5 for the rest of the disc.

“AN EVENING WITH DREAM THEATER”

If you haven't had a chance to catch these guys live, you should know this: seeing Dream Theater, in person, is an amazing and unique experience. . .kinda like your first Tijuana donkey show. I mean, where else will you find an audience of rabid fans, largely comprised of musicians, all mimicking their favorite band member playing their instrument? No where, that’s where. Ever see a guy doing air-keyboard? They look like they’re signing for the deaf. And blind.

Now, the reason for this adulation is simple. These guys rock and a Dream Theater show is not so much a concert as it is a clinic on how to properly play an instrument. The average fan does not go to see a Dream Theater concert to sing along with the “radio friendly” hits, because, umm. . .there really isn’t any. They go to watch these guys kick the crap out of their instruments for 3 hours. Each and every member of this band has the ability to make you say: “HOLY SHIT!!! DID YOU JUST SEE (FILL IN THE BLANK) PLAY THAT!!!! AMAZING!!!! OH MY GOD!!! BAT WINGS JUST SPROUTED OUT OF MY ASS!!!! PORTNOY RULES!!!”

But don’t take my word for it. Here is a review sent in by a fan who also attended the March 14th show at the Fillmore Auditorium here in Denver. I had a write up planned for this, but this guy sent this to me and when I saw the amount of work that went into this, I had to post it. I think you’ll see what I mean. So, without further ado, here is a review of Dream Theater, submitted by Joe Shmidlapp of Denver:

“Dream Theater - The Evening With” was an understatement. For those of you who are not complete DT fans, this was the show to bring you to “Metropolis”. For this evening, Metropolis was the Fillmore Auditorium, which holds around 4000 people. DT filled the venue with 2000 people who got to see this band at its best. As if “Dream and Day Unite”, the band was at the top of its game. It is hard to believe they are 20 years into it. It seems like yesterday while driving in my beater Pontiac Sunbird, I was listening to “Pull Me Under” cranked to the max of my Pioneer Cassette Tape tuner. And for this night, “Images and Words” would be the theme that would continue throughout the set. With this being an “Evening With,” no opening bands would intrude on the “Six Degrees of Turbulence” DT is known for.

Walking into the Fillmore, the stage was covered with a black screen to keep the anxious audience from seeing what was in store for them. Finally at 8:10pm MST March 14, 2006, “AWAKE” time…the screen was dropped and the show was on…. It was time for DT to share their “Octavarium” with the world, regardless if you are Catholic or not. It is no secret, Mike Portnoy, sometimes referenced as Mike Peartnoy, is the heir to the rock drumming throne once Neil Peart decides to place his drumsticks in the bag forever. But until then, Portnoy does not disappoint, nor does his creativity for elaborate drum setups. The latest incarnation of the “Siamese Monster” includes a replica of John Bonham’s kit. A fitting tribute to the original ROCK drum God which is referenced by all the greatest drummers to play in the genre. The “Bonham” kit was off to the right side, joined by the traditional Portnoy Kit on the left. The Bonham kit was used extensively throughout the evening as it was the primary kit used for the Octavarium recording.

As stated before, DT was the best I have seen them. The first surprise has to be the sound of the presentation. They did an AWESOME job recreating the sounds from all albums. The second surprise has to be the lead singer. Known for years as the weakest link in the band, and I must admit I fall into that “Train of Thought”, James LaBrie held up his end of the bargain for this show and sounded amazing. The third surprise was John Petrucci, or should I say, Mr. Barry Bonds of DT. I have been to several shows through the years and seeing Captain America playing the axe was a shock. But the juice hasn’t stopped Petrucci from laying down his patented licks he is known for. Keep it up John, maybe you can run for Governor of New York and be the next Arnold!

As time seemed to be “Falling Into Infinity” Jordan Rudess and John Myung continued their display of dynamic finger work and provided the traditional DT sound that dates back to the beginning. For Rudess, his ability to become one with Petrucci, unless you listen deep into their albums you don’t realize the guitar runs are filled by Rudess on the keys and tonight they did not disappoint! For Myung, keeping up with the dynamic flowing of time signatures are not simple tasks to accomplish, but he continues to provide the unique bass work for this one of a kind virtuoso band.

If you don’t or didn’t get the opportunity to see DT this time around, make sure you get the upcoming DVD being filmed for the last show at Madison Square Garden and make sure you look for the next round of dream theater sometime in the future. They are a band not to be missed!!!!

Nice work, Joe, but I can’t believe you failed to mention what color underwear Portnoy was wearing. I’m sure you saw them. . .right before you performed the after-show fellatio on him. Oh well. . .maybe next time? And you are also correct about the work of Rudess and Myung. I haven’t seen fingers work that fast and furiously since my prom night.

Well, friends, that is going to wrap it up for this time. So, until later, keep playing it loud and wearing it proud. Oh, and go catch a Dream Theater concert if you get the chance. You won’t be disappointed.

Send your bags of shavings, review copies, presents and assorted hate mail to:

M.C. Bell
P.O. Box 1222
Arvada, CO 80001