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A VERY AGNOSTIC CHRISTMAS
By Patrick Storck
By now we all know the true meaning of Christmas is supposedly to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus Christ, King of Kings, Alleluhia. The networks crank out special upon special reiterating the true meaning, forgetting that some people out there are not Christian, or are lapsed Christians, or are simply tired of the association of Christmas with messages about the brotherhood of man, and simply want to be entertained. Instead of watching the endless reruns of classics such as A CHRISTMAS STORY, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, and A MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL. All great movies, don't get me wrong, but not exactly non-denominational. That's why this year I'm disregarding centuries of teachings and religious celebration in favor of what the holidays have become to me: exploitation. I've constructed, or loosely assembled, if you will, a list of suggestions for a proper, non-preachy holiday marathon to toss on before Uncle Bernie overdoes it on the eggnog again.
TRADING PLACES
A comedy classic that's on Comedy Central every other hour, but if you can, go ahead and rent it. For all its airplay, this is one of those movies that just isn't worth seeing edited. Reasons for watching it unedited include profanity, drug references, and Jamie Lee Curtis topless. That last one sold it for you? Christmas themes include greed, manipulation, and a drunken Santa Claus getting arrested for possession of Angel Dust.
JACK FROST
Not the Michael Keaton one. Good God, no. That one WILL make you an atheist. Instead, check out this cheesy horror movie about a killer snowman. Is it good? That depends on your supply of beer and wise-ass friends, but if you're having a movie marathon without beer and friends, Christmas is already ruined. Through this movie, you'll solve the biggest issue with marathons: socializing. Everyone can let out their need to talk, make fun of the movie, and so on, before the real show begins.
JINGLE ALL THE WAY
The real show has not yet begun. We're in the last stages of getting geared up for the marathon proper. At this point of the day, people will be getting hungry, so there's going to be discussions about ordering pizza, making Hot Pockets, sending somebody out for beer and smokes, and other distractions. Whatever you put on will be largely ignored, unless the occasional fun scene comes up. The movie is essentially a wash, save for the occasional fun scene, and a custom-fit for the needs of this time slot. It's also capitalist propaganda. Buy! Buy! Buy! True meaning of Christmas, my ass.
DIE HARD
Everyone's got their food, people are settling down, and any latecomers are finally here. Time for the big guns, the greatest non-Christmassy Christmas movie of all time, DIE HARD. This film should be watched every year, no matter what faith you are. The reuniting of the broken family is a positive message that sometimes we can forget over squabbles about who got who what and why socks again? Despite a 3000-mile separation and a custody battle, John McClain will do anything to not only save his wife, but also the lives of other relatively innocent hostages. A true hero, somebody we can look up to. Sure, Jesus was ultimately more of a hero, but that's what Easter is about. All Jesus did on Christmas was get born. He didn't blow up a single terrorist.
THE REF
Up there with DIE HARD in seasonal rewatchability. This movie was inexplicably released in September, but luckily on video has slowly become a holiday classic because of more modern, realistic themes. Like many family gatherings, there are fights, secrets revealed at inappropriate times, and dinner disasters. Frankly, if this movie doesn't hit home on some level, chances are you have a defense mechanism in place. Also, it's frickin' hilarious.
REINDEER GAMES
After the one-two punch of action and comedy, time for some more background fluff. This is not a great movie, but for some reason watching scattered scenes can be entertaining between smoke breaks, cleaning up the pizza boxes, and simply stretching a bit. Feel free to fast forward, and cut it off when everybody is ready to get going again.
GREMLINS
Back to the good stuff. Cute. Cuddly. Mischievous. Mass-marketable. Before Furby, before SMALL SOLDIERS, before midnight... Okay, by this point of the marathon, you won't be making much sense, either. Twelve hours is long for any marathon. You'll be sore, drunk, sober, drunk again, and wondering why you didn't go out with everybody who bailed during REINDEER GAMES. You and any stragglers will consider calling it quits on this cautionary tale of gifts gone bad until Stripe jumps in the pool and all hell breaks loose. This will jolt you with enough energy to keep going into...
LETHAL WEAPON
Set at Christmas, and one of the few holiday movies to really confront the issue of holiday depression. The suicide rate is always higher this time of year, maybe because of money, family, or morning DJs playing dogs barking Jingle Bells as if they came up with it themselves just the night before. Martin Riggs struggles with this weighty issue, putting a poignant but positive end to this marathon. If the story doesn't keep you interested, there's plenty of explosions to keep jarring you awake every few minutes, until you drift off as the credits roll while that last friend takes the rest of your beer, a few cookies somebody brought for you, and that mini microwave you forgot to bolt down.
Did we miss any? Please e-mail any of your personal agnostic holiday favorites to Chris Ryall and we’ll run ‘em in the Mail Shoot next week.
Visit Patrick's Web site at DangerSeekers.com.
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