ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO-BAD FIGURE

By Patrick Storck

Christmastime is here, as well as a host of other gift-giving holidays that were once traditional but had to resort to payola to keep the young 'uns from converting. Snow may be on the ground, music may be in the air, but it's almost guaranteed that some Clark Griswold in your neighborhood has a display proudly glowing every known symbol of the season. Maybe one night soon, you'll stroll up there and look at this display, indirectly, perhaps using a shoebox with a hole cut in one end. You'll wonder what Christmas means for this lunatic, and thoughts will drift to what it means to you. I wish I could tell you, but I can tell you about me. Christmas will always be a time to trying to fondly remember times past, like every fifth issue or so of STARMAN. I think back to the trees, the dinners, the family, the tragic accidents that are still only laughed about in hushed tones. Mostly, though, I look back at the presents.

Recently, I was talking with a fictional friend who's always been there for me, serving as a plot device for ramblings like these, and he asked me if the toys we all had kids affected who we are as adults. I'm usually quick to defend video games and movies when they are blamed for violent behavior, saying there's no connection at all between simple entertainment and who a person really is, but then I thought about it. I looked at who I am, and why I like what I like, and so much of it can be traced back to those toys. I then checked with some actual friends, asking what their favorite toys were, and realized that as a society we've been built by the LEGOs, and I suppose to a lesser extent Duplo, of pop-culture commercialism.

AND NOW A WORD FROM HE-MAN'S SPONSOR: HE-MAN!

Growing up in the 80s, most toys wound up having a cartoon, and vice versa. After the success of the STAR WARS line of figures, tie-ins were fairly common. Then came the MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. This was the first cartoon series to be based on existing toys, a fact that was lost on me as I watched it everyday, then needed, NEEDED, to have every figure that came along. I built up a solid work ethic, earning money through chores at what I now see as illegal wages and unfair labor practices to pay my Toys R Us bills each month. I knew what stores got what shipments on what days, how much they sold for, and where people thought to look and where they didn't. I knew the phone numbers to verify all of this if need be (and eerily still do, despite many of the places no longer existing). I was eight. I was a Collector.

My association between entertainment and possessions was pretty much instilled in me from the get-go. You weren't cool if you didn't have a lightsaber. Nobody had a Rowdy Roddy tough rubber figure, so I had to. Bespin Luke was common, so if a firecracker took his head off, there were still plenty to go around, but if that brittle Sark figure came apart, you became one of those kids who mysteriously never opened his Light Cycle. Quick poll: How many tears were shed when Indiana Jones lost his thumb? Once the shock and horror wore off, I learned an important lesson about the benefits of being a primate. A panther is a strong and powerful beast, but cannot shoot a pistol or hold a whip.

This need to have the rarities, have everything first, is not something exclusive to me. Those of you reading this and thinking "Dude, I had that!" or "Man, I hope he mentions those M.A.S.K. crusaders who worked overtime fighting crime" (just did, so there you go! I take requests) are cut from the same cloth as me, which, when I last checked, was green PEANUTS bedsheets featuring the gang playing baseball. We were raised on toys that had TV shows and movies, and movies that had tie-in toys. To be fully entertained was to consume. Besides all of the episodes of TRANSFORMERS you could watch (or JAYCE AND THE WHEELED WARRIORS if you only got the Spanish station) there were so many adventures these characters could have. Much of this is where my desire to be a filmmaker came from. I would construct gigantic sets, come up with some reason why Main Street in LEGOLand was being infested by Gremlins and California Raisins (the Noid was their evil secret mastermind who lived in the gas station) and play it out. Due to budget restrictions, the adventures tended to be a bit talky, getting the rep as the David Mamet of the neighborhood. That, and I had a filthy mouth.

DOES SHARPER IMAGE CARRY "MADBALLS?"

Now, like so many of us, I see a Snake Plissken or a Mad Max figure, and I must have it. Bored in my cubicle at work, I let Quint fight Mr. Staypuft on the deck of the Orca, only to be carried away by a rabbit with big pointy teeth. My career paths themselves were clearly affected by my toys. Besides writing, I considered being a pilot for a while because of the BATTLESTAR GALACTICA Viper, but when the only fun in the flight simulator I had for the Commodore was crashing, I figured maybe it wasn't the career for me. My interest in computers is all taken from the Atari 2600 and a bit of TRON. When you played PITFALL, you weren't looking at earth-toned blocks. You were in the jungle, jumping over scorpions and collecting gold for twenty minutes, until, well, I don't know. Maybe the after the clock ran out, Rhonda and Quickclaw would come out and give you a refreshing CapriSun. As computers developed, rehashes of the classics like PITFALL, CASTLEVANIA, and DONKEY KONG, but sadly, never ZOOKEEPER, would be updated for the new system. Had to have them, had to know all about them, read up on the development of them, and would up with a decent knowledge of computers as a result. I don't think anybody who really makes great money in the computer field would be clueless if you said: LOAD "*",8,1. It made us who we are.

The individual paths we took aren't the whole of it. Because we had these interests, these markets grew with us, and helped reform society, as I mention a bit further back than I'd planned. Computers in general have developed mainly to support the latest games. Let's be honest. Games show us the cutting edge of what can be done right now, and the practical used follow suit and refine the processes for movie effects, digital animation, non-linear script, and other mumbo-jumbo. Remember CAPTAIN POWER? You could watch a real TV show with real people, and shoot the bad guys for points as an actual video game. Ever since that (and DRAGON'S LAIR, dare I forget) the tendency to merge interactive entertainment with full stories and cinematic presentation helped redefine video games and the tech behind them. Sure, you can watch somebody at a party play GTA: VICE CITY and have a blast, but could you picture watching POLE POSITION for a half hour? And no, not the cartoon.

Now we have the internet, and sure quite a bit of what they are used for is online banking, cheap plane tickets, and porn, but every machine comes standard with Solitaire and Minesweeper, but not always Quicken. Also, due to the likes of Transformers, Speak & Spell, and Teddy Ruxpin, we seem to feel a need to attribute personalities to our appliances. Soothing voices tell us that our door is ajar, automated gas pumps thank us for our purchase, and while I can't prove it, I'm pretty sure my toaster hates me.

XAVIER ROBERT'S SCHOOL FOR GIFTED LETTUCE

I also see how toys I avoided like the plague changed things forever. Cabbage Patch Kids, while seemingly harmless if not just a bit creepy looking, have helped to ruin the moral fabric of our nation. On the surface, these are sour-faced babies that a child can care for and learn about parenting, sans the bills, feces, and crying. These magical children are grown in the aforementioned Cabbage Patch, like pod people, and if the movies from the fifties taught me anything, vegetable people are inherently evil. If they taught me anything else, it's that beach parties are actually pretty lame. The children were so in love with these leafy lads that, mush like my desire to be a pilot, the children couldn't wait to be parents. In the late 80s and early 90s, there was a spike in teenage pregnancy, most likely from children wanting a better Cabbage Patch. I don't have the actual stats because I couldn't quite understand them, but it was clear there was a problem.

Beyond the desire to have a real baby, these kids also were a victim of curiosity. Much like I studied emerging computer technology, these kids discovered the fallacy of the Cabbage Patch birth method, and went into some in-depth research on the actual process. Without the proper guidance into methods of birth control (many assumed DDT was a spermicide) they were soon with child. Since then, there has been a much higher demand for open, honest communication about human sexuality. Movies and television have dealt with unmarried couples, homosexuality, masturbation, interracial couples, teenage sex, and more with sensitivity, honesty, and reality, helped generate an atmosphere of acceptance, then in the best entertainment tradition went on to exploit them all, completely erasing once taboo lines. Now even porn and strip clubs aren't as shunned as they once were. In that regard, I am thankful for those ugly dolls.

Speaking of dolls, I am somewhat convinced that the use of the rainbow by some of the homosexual community is in part a retro reference to Rainbow Brite and the Care Bears: happy, emotionally open characters who spread messages of peace and good will. I don't know much more about these characters, but then again, most of the theories presented here are leaps in logic that remain questionable under the most casual scrutiny, but it sounds good, and is a positive association for those who may remain unsympathetic to the cause.

I won't say there were no dolls growing up. A girl in my neighborhood insisted I play Barbies and Strawberry Shortcake with her, in exchange for games of Battleship, I Vant to Bite Your Finger (a simple board game, only with a vampire that puts red dots on your finger if you don't do well), and my favorite, Master Mind (where you guess the color of hidden pegs). We were five years old and happily engaged. I made her a ring out of some flowers I found, and to date it's the most successful relationship I've ever had. From her and those toys, I became sensitive to the wants and needs of a woman, learned that men such as the Purple Pie Man can cook just as well as a woman, and that vampire drink not from the neck but from the finger. That, and I decided that one day I too would like a nice dream house in Malibu, but who wouldn't?

WRAPPING UP THE GIFTS (HAHAHALOLHAHAROTFLUMSEIAOL)

Some other quick Christmas morning discoveries and their impact on their owners: Had a GoBot collection? You now suffer from feelings of defensiveness and inadequacy. Lite Brite? Your sense of art leans toward surrealism and impressionism. G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier? I hate you, you spoiled bastich! Fireworks, exploding caps, lighter fluid, Drano, or fusing? You were deemed to have "never applied yourself," and are happier at your job than those who did "apply themselves." A decent skateboard, Powell Peralta rather than Nash? You knew that while skateboarding is not a crime, it's treated as such, and have a general distaste for the law, the government, etc. Chances are you're a member of the Green Party, partly because of Jello Biafra. Nash board? See GoBots. Educational wooden toys? You have never mastered your social skills, and likely never will. Let's hope that the education from those toys drove you down a path to riches, maybe a doctorate, and you can afford better toys now, but chances are your hypnotherapist has stopped jotting down the words "wooden train." Gardening tools? Your parents were lazy. Lastly, if you got socks for Christmas before the age of ten, well, you probably have realized you weren't the favorite child. Sorry. If it's any consolation, you've probably moved out of state, don't talk to them, and after a breakdown have become fairly content with who you are. And you have warm feet.

Now that we're older, what do we want? Chances are, it's probably some of the stuff listed above, with the additions of alcohol, porn, DVDs, and interesting underwear. Actually, just remembered Underoos. Specifically, Emma Caulfield in Flash undies. So not even that much has changed. And so, as my gift to you...

Visit Patrick's Web site at DangerSeekers.com.

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