By Patrick Storck
One of the best things about Christmas is the Christmas special. I have fond memories of that tingle that ran down my back when the CBS SPECIAL PRESENTATION logo would spin out of nowhere into the center of the screen and for the next half hour or hour I'd get to watch some of my favorite characters, and a few I could care less about, but hey, it's Christmas, learn the true meaning of Christmas. Then, on regular shows, we'd get a special themed episode where one of the characters would lose sight of what's really important in this wonderful holiday season, but by the end remember the true meaning of Christmas. This past summer at a comic book convention, I bought some videos of never-aired Christmas specials, and since not everybody has access to a comic book convention, or can't bear that weird smell of sweat socks and cheese steak that tends to permeate a con, I thought I would run down a summary of these little lumps of unaired coal. The heading is the actual episode title, though I didn't bother with the episode number or intended air date, as I couldn't find them all. Just keeping it consistent.
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MORE THAN MEETS THE HEART
Starscream leans the true meaning of Christmas. When trying to construct allies in order to replace Megatron as the leader of the Decepticons, Starscream finds that without the Matrix, he is left with nothing but lifeless robots. Worse, they can't transform to the right size. Inspiration hits as he intercepts a transmission (a commercial, actually) about a big holiday sale at a local toy store. He builds remote controls into the robots and plants them at the store. On Christmas morning, once the toys are unwrapped, he prepares to activate the drones and let them destroy. Then he notices something from the cameras he planted in the toys that touches his cold, metallic heart. The kids are playing with Starscream! Better yet, they're using him to kick the crap out of Megatron, Soundwave, and G.I. Joe! He gets a big grin, sets down the remote, and walks away. As a quick gag, Rumble comes in, picks up the remote, and hits the button. Nothing happens, so he checks inside. Starscream forgot to buy batteries! Shame this never aired.
IT'S TIME YOU KNEW, CHARLIE BROWN
Charlie Brown learns the reality of Christmas. When things at the barber shop aren't going as well as they could, possibly because all of the kids in town have freakish heads and thinning hair (later explained in IT'S IN THE DRINKING WATER, CHARLIE BROWN), Christmas at the Brown house looks like it's going to be a tight one. Sally complains about not wanting to eat the government cheese they've been sent, and how she needs a new doll, and the usual non-stop complaining she's known for, so Chuck tries to explain that everything will be fine on Christmas morning. Santa will come and bring them the blankets and food that they need so desperately. Overhearing this, and not wanting the children to get their hopes up, Mr. Brown sits Charlie down and explains to him (off-screen, of course) that there is no Santa Claus. It's just a way for parents to anonymously show their love, but this year all they can do is say it, and hope the kids understand. It would've been a very touching and mature message, except it's two minutes of "Whah whah whoooowhah whah." The message is lost, and all we get is Chuck saying, "I love you, too. But let's not tell Snoopy. He wanted Santa to bring Spike back this year. It would break his heart." Very depressing and sobering, in that great Charlie Brown tradition. Did anyone else ever feel down after one of these specials?
SCROOGY-DOO
The Scooby Gang winds up back in turn-of-the-century England, through the same time-rift plot used in THE REAL GHOSTBUSTERS holiday episode. Actually, the obvious similarities between the shows are why this never aired. Old man Scrooge is being haunted by ghosts trying to get him to change his ways, when the gang hears his screams and rushes in. They do some sleuthing, only to find it's scheming Bob Cratchitt posing as Scrooge's dead partner Jacob Marley. As Cratchitt is taken away, Scrooge remembers how Marley was the only family he'd ever had, and agrees to adopt young (and now fatherless) Tiny Tim. When Scooby and company return to the present, the see that Timothy Scrooge went on to be a generous philanthropist. Oh, Scrappy is in it, and remains annoying as piss.
MANIMAL FOR ALL SEASONS
Remember MANIMAL? Who doesn't? Umm, that was rhetorical, but there are a lot of you with your hands up out there. You know I can't see you, right? MANIMAL was a man and an animal all in one, assuming, of course, man isn't an animal. He could shapeshift into pretty much any animal he wanted, like a panther, an owl, an elephant, a wolf, or…actually, I think that was about it. The eighth and final episode aired on December 17th, 1983, and this ninth one was pulled in favor of "anything else." When Blitzen lives up to his name by chuggin’ way too much eggnog (okay, it was Dancer and an unnamed ailment), anthropomorph Jonathan Chase has to become a reindeer, then learn to fly as one, in order to help Santa save Christmas. Neat idea, but really bad effects and worse test-ratings prevented it from seeing the light of day.
CHRISTMAS AS 704 HAUSER STREET
Whipping together a string of spin-offs into one all-purpose holiday special seems like a good idea, but by the time one can properly explain how the Jeffersons, the Bunkers, the Evans, and the Stivics all agree to dinner together, it's about time to wrap it up. Oh, and then there's Maude. The reality of it all was sketchy at best, but then it got into betraying characters. Archie pretends to lose a late-night poker game so J.J. can win a chunk of change from George, letting him buy his mother Florida something nice (and beyond last-minute). They all hug as they leave. All you can think is "Uhhh, no."
SMALL WONDERS COME IN BIG GIFTS
What do you get a girl who has everything she wants, mainly because, as a robot, she doesn't really want anything? Well, that's the conundrum behind this untouching episode. Seriously, the Lawson family not only agonizes over how to make the holiday special for this cold metal little girl, but has to hide the shopping and presents from her snooping eyes (as well as those pesky Brindle neighbors!). Vickie is able to use her vast powers and cheesy 80s Video Toaster effects to discern that they got her batteries and a recharger. One yea, everyone in my family got each other battery rechargers, so I found this special more painful than... well, a normal episode of SMALL WONDER.
THE ISLAND OF MISFITS OF SCIENCE
This show was far more clever than people give it credit for. The entire episode is a dream where the whole gang shrinks down to El's size, about Barbie doll scale, and gets caught in a secret war between toys at a toy store the night after Christmas. The small guy in normal world effects worked in doses, but didn't quite hold up for a full hour. Dr. Hayes, the normal, therefore misfit, misfit starts to fall for a Sunshine Sally doll who feels unwanted and alone because nobody bought her. Action-wise, Johnny B. supercharges some remote control cars to chase away some mice in the store. Gloria's (Courtney Cox, if you didn't know) telekinesis was pretty much useless at their size. Also, El gets some clothes shopping done. Anyway, the dream winds up being Stetmeyer's. He wakes up at the end, then cuddles up to a Teddy. Didn't get that part.
JINGLE BELL JINX
Frankly, I'd forgotten the show THROB existed. Somebody at the record company lost all of the Christmas albums, and nobody bothered to check until an hour before they go live with an all-day Christmas marathon for a local station, set at a pizza parlor per 80s sitcom standard. With no records, they have to whip together a live performance (there are so many gaps in the logic, it's not worth dwelling on). They call in a favor from some band I think was supposed to be a special cameo, but frankly seemed to be a prom band from any given 80s movie, spiked pink hair, bad fake British accents, the works. The staff pulls together a sing along and seemingly learns the true meaning of Christmas. Extra value: hearing a teenybopper Paul Walker belt a slightly off key version of "O, Holy Night."
HO, HO, HO-BOY
Not filmed, but there was a script for a holiday episode of QUANTUM LEAP in which Sam leapt into a drunk department store Santa who has to find a lost child before her kidnapper got her out of the store. Sounds like a good premise, but instead of the drama, they concentrated on the humor of Sam leaping into a drunk, and therefore being a bit off. It wasn't funny, and the kidnapping was resolved way too quickly. The show rarely had off episodes, probably because ones like this never made it to the cameras.
That's about it for the tape, and the script treatment tossed in. There were a few commercials tacked on after the episodes, just a bunch of random toy commercials added on, for Chia Pets, Robotix, and, inexplicably, White Mountain Cooler, an alcoholic drink in no way tied to Christmas. I think the guy was just padding the tape, a rarity in bootlegs. Next time around I might buy that tape of Arbor Day specials, if for no reason other than finding out exactly when Arbor Day is.
Visit Patrick's Web site at DangerSeekers.com.
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