Are you Hollywood?
By Tiffany Stone
January 13, 2003
“Gone Hollywood*” is when you…
-Drive a Mercedes SLK
-Have a Hummer/SUV with a “no war for oil” bumper sticker
-Live in a plantationesque house with fountains in Bel Air
-Initiate loud name-dropping cell-phone conversations at THE IVY, etc.
-"Do" lunch instead of "have" lunch.
-Have a power lunch
-Wear a uniform of designer jeans, t-shirts, $400 sunglasses and highlighted hair
-Send your assistant to Starbucks/Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf to pick up your half-decaf/nonfat-soy/sugar-free/double-foam cafe mocha with a shot of expresso and caramel. Send your assistant back, because there isn’t enough foam
-Go through new assistants monthly
-Have your assistant buy all your personal gifts
-Make your receptionist get you drugs (from their drug dealer) during his/her lunch break
-Have your shrink, colonics person, and massage therapist critique the script you are producing
-Your children hug their nanny before hugging you
-Send your kids to the shrink du jour to learn therapy speak
-Think Botox is a panacea
-Say you had a deviated septum when asked why your nose is three inches smaller
-Adopt so you won’t ruin your figure
-Say you are an "independent producer" when asked what you do
-Talk your friend into writing a filmic novel
-Go to the Kabbalah Center or Agape to network
-Wear a red string on your wrist because Madonna does
-Pretend to be sober around people on-the-wagon. There is that fabulous AA meeting in Hollywood, after all.
-Only associate with celebrities
-Air kiss VIPs that you HATE
- Eat at restaurants where you loathe the food, but want to be "seen"
-Tell reporters you are skinny because of your fast metabolism, cocaine habit
-Spend your vacation going to Promises ($14,000 for a 2 week minimum) rehab center in Malibu.
-Have a life coach
-Go to yoga in full-makeup and hair
-Fuck your yoga teacher
-Wear a 4 karat+ ring to the gym
-Pay $140 a month to workout at Sports Club L.A., plus an additional $75 a session with a personal trainer
-Hire a publicist
-When you're 34, hire a publicist to finally get you onto the Hollywood Reporter's 35-and-under "Next Generation" list
-Only read “The Hollywood Reporter” and “Variety
”
-Think "Us" magazine is a news publication and “Access Hollywood” is news
- Believe "The Real World" is the real world.
-Can’t remember the last time you had a friend who would bail you out of jail. Managers and agents don’t count.
-Threaten people constantly with defamation of character lawsuits
-Say you are “in the business,” when asked what you do
*This is only a partial list
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