By Thom Fowler
April 18, 2003
Tony Goldmark’s Weird, Wacky World
Tony Goldmark started making comedy music at the age of 12 and by the age of 16 he hit the top ten year-end countdown on the Dr. Demento Show with Kill The Backstreet Boys. He is now 19 years old and studying broadcasting at Columbia College in Chicago. He was not just a 12-year-old with a Casiotone (for the painfully alone). His last album Masterpiece Weirder is backed by a professional band which includes Sam Barry, the brother of humor columnist Dave Barry (and I bet Sam Barry gets sick of being referred to as “the brother of …”).
The songs were arranged by his musician father and not only includes a wide range of instrumentation but hits a level of musical mastery and professionalism lacking in most rock bands. The diversity of the music is almost film score-like in its approach to make suggestive music that isn’t the recognizable style of any particular band or musician.
It has grindy-thrashy,-throbbing rap-rock, Rockabilly, Folk and a little hip-hop. With an immensely capable band like that backing him up, Tony was free to do what he does best, write and sing his wickedly astute parodies and just plain jokey fun comedy songs to produce a world-class comedy album. No wonder he had a string of Funny Five Favorites on the Dr. Demento show.
I’ve seen pieces of the back-up band play at a jam session and they can roll with just about anything. Tony’s mother is in a band called THE ROCK BOTTOM REMAINDERS which once released an album featuring ultra-famous writers like Amy Tan, Stephen King and Maya Angelou singing cover versions of rock and blues. Tony has been fortunate to associate with immensely talented pillars of our culture. Being in the thick of the publicity and marketing game has certainly given him a heads-up on how to promote a record in an interview. His parents may have provided the architecture but he brings a lot of his own self to the project and that’s what makes him different from say … Tori Spelling.
Thom Fowler: What exactly is “the art form of demented music”?
Tony Goldmark: The art form of demented music is music that is played on the nationally syndicated Dr. Demento show. All forms of comedy music and parody music and comedy CDs with sketches on them like Monty Python or Firesign Theatre would qualify, as would most stand-up material. It’s not just comedy music. It also includes anything that’s off-the-wall, anything that is out of the ordinary, THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS, for example would certainly qualify as dementia music as would Moxy Früvous and DEVO’s earlier work. Anything that is a little off to the side, not something you would expect to hear most of the time on commercial radio.
Thom: Is that an actual genre, dementia music?
Tony: I guess it’s not technically a genre.
Thom: It will be now.
Tony: Totally. It’s been a genre for years, its just no one has really known about it. Some of the classics in the comedy music field, they are not all that funny when you think about them, they are just really demented. They Are Coming To Take Me Ha Ha by Napolean the Fourteenth, if you read the lyrics on a piece of paper, it’s not really that funny. It’s kind of like psychotic poetry more than anything else. When you hear it, it definitely qualifies as something demented.
Thom: When did you start getting into dementia music?
Tony: I’ve always been a fan of comedy and a fan of music. I guess the simple answer is comedy music and dementia music combines the two. That’s why I’ve always been fascinated by it. I was a huge Weird Al fan from the moment I first heard Fat and over the years, I’ve slowly but surely developed into a full-fledged comedy music fan, followed by being a full-fledged comedy music artist. The Weird Al BAD HAIR DAY CD in 1996 was a really big catalyst for me. As was the discovery of the Dr. Demento Show.
Thom: When did you first discover the Dr.Demento Show?
Tony: I first discovered the Dr. Demento show around the same time I discovered the BAD HAIR DAY CD. It wasn’t for a few years after that that I was able to listen to the show religiously, because it didn’t play in an area near me. And then I discovered one of my grandparents lived in an area that could pick it up. So bless their hearts, they would tape it for me every week and then mail it to me. I would hear it that way. In the meantime, I collected all the compilation CDs and certainly had my ear out for anything that caught my ear for just being wacky and zany. It was during that period that I discovered Allen Sherman, Tom Lehrer and Monty Python.
Thom: : Tom Lehrer is classic.
Tony: Absolutely. He’s brilliant.
Thom: When did you start making comedy music?
Tony: I first started making comedy music in 1996. I didn’t realize it was dementia music at the time. My mom, Kathi Kamen Goldmark, has always been an avid musician and it was around 1994 that she started her own miniscule record company called Don’t Quit Your Day Job Records. She was a media escort for authors and she had her own company of people who would pick authors up from the airport and drive them to autograph sessions and it was through that that she was able to meet a lot of very famous authors. And it was through one of them, Jessica Midford who is a famous muckracker from the 1960’s is the reason my mom invented the record label. Jessica Midford revealed while my mom was driving her around that her lifetime ambition had always been to be a music star and that someday when she got the chance she was going to record Maxwell Silver Hammer. Working from that, my mom literally got a bunch of musicians in the studio the next day so [Jessica Midford] could live out her life long dream.
A couple years later, in 1996, when I was around 12, we got around to making what was my first record. I’ll be the first to admit it was pure nepotism. If I hadn’t had the mother that I do have, if I hadn’t been in such gifted circumstances, I probably wouldn’t have ever been able to record anything. But circumstances being as they were, I was. I like to think it’s one of those Arlo Guthrie situations where the person being given all these unfair opportunities actually has talent.
The very first album I ever released was called You Bug Me: Songs Guaranteed to Annoy Your Parents and it was released in October of 1996 when I was thirteen. We were so arrogant in those days. We released it as a subsection of Don’t Quit Your Day Job Records. We had maybe one release a year but we were still going to put a separate children’s album division which was called Grandma Records. I don’t know what we were thinking back then. I rarely ever listen that album now. There was one song from that album that actually got me my first Dr. Demento airplay. A song called I Know You’re A Fish . The song is pretty good. Most of the album is incredibly juvenile. If things go my way and I do become this big huge mega-star someday, You Bug Me will be this collector’s item that sells for like a thousand bucks on e-Bay. But it will probably never be something I’ll want to re-release. It represents me at a less refined time in my life. I was twelve years old. I had no absolutely no idea what I was doing. I just did the best I could with what I had, which was a lot.
My mom has a lot of musician friends who to this day come back into the studio whenever we’ve got a big project at hand. And they are great people and they are excellent musicians, but back in 1996 when I recorded my first album, I was completely clueless.
Thom: Your cd Masterpiece Weirder sounds so professional. The composition and instrumentation is so tight and diverse. How did you get your band together?
Tony: This is like five years later. Over the five years I got more into the Dr. Demento show and I came to understand what dementia music was all about. By the time I had enough material ready to release a second album, which I really consider a first album because the differences between the two albums are like night and day. When I recorded my first album, I had no idea what I was doing. When I recorded my second album I did. As for getting the musicians together, we did it the same way we’ve always done it. We just call them up and say, “Hey, can you come in on Tuesday?” They say, “No, that’s no good.” And we say, “Wednesday?” And they say, “Alright.”
When you have these great musicians at your disposal you are going to take advantage of them. There is no way that you can’t if you are smart about it. You have to take advantage of any opportunity because any foot in the door is a foot in the door.
Thom: You go right for the pop-cultural jugular vein – why did you choose to sing about all the things that take up the most space in the media?
Tony: I guess because you can’t help but think about that stuff. If you are out and about and you see a billboard for something and it’s big and huge you are going to pay attention to it. That’s why Britney Spears is selling more albums than me.
It’s not on the album, but for my next album I’ve already recorded a song about Britney that implies that she’s the leader of a satanic cult. The song is called Britney Zombie. It portrays her as the leader of the vampires. It’s done in the style of the kind of music that was heard in the movie CHICAGO. I’m really proud of it.
Thom: Were you making songs to order for Dr.Demento after “Kill the Backstreet Boys?”
Kill The Backstreet Boys was part of the first batch of songs. Before Masterpiece Weirder was invented, I sent him four songs, all of which are on Masterpiece Weirder. This would be the Winter of 2000. I sent him four songs and one of them was Kill The Backstreet Boys. This was the first batch of songs from the new me. The kind of person that was going to be releasing songs from now on. Kill The Backstreet Boys fortunately became a big Funny Five favorite on the Dr. Demento show and made it to number nine on the year end countdown. And that got me all the name recognition I can handle and something to put on my dementia resume.
Thom: What are you doing now?
Tony: I’m a froshman at Columbia College in Chicago. I get to sit around and watch DVDs all day when I’m not off to class. As far as my music goes, just a few months ago I took a trip back to San Francisco and we recorded five new songs of mine which I sent out to Dr. D. Britney Zombie was one of them. I’ve also got another song called Positive Upbeat Song which is about the world exploding. “Then the world blew up and everything was alright.” It’s that kind of a song.
This is the great thing about dementia is that you can write the kind of songs that I write. Another of the songs that I did was a blues song told from the point of view of the title character of the film AMAZING COLOSSAL MAN. The Amazing Colossal Man Blues is going to be on my next album. Last year I recorded a song that has gotten some Funny Five Dr. Demento airply. It’s a parody of the cover of the Rolling Stone by Dr. Hook and The Medicine Show about Harry Potter called The Sorcerer’s Stone. And that’s going to be on the next Dr. Demento fan club only basement tapes compilation. I’d suggest joining the Demento Society and getting the 2003 package and getting that because it’s a cool song.
Thom: Have you ever met Weird Al?
Tony: I’ve met him five times. I’ve met him at both Al Cons, the Weird Al Yankovic fan conventions and three times I was able to fanagle backstage passes to his concerts. So yes, I’m really … He knows who I am. We don’t go bowling or anything. But he knows about me and he knows about my work. I’ve given him all my albums and I assume he’s listened to them. It’s pretty cool.
Thom: You do approach the Weird Al Yankovic level of pop parody but in a much more subtle way. For instance, on Moshin’, it’s not a parody of a recognizable song like Smashmouth’s ALL STAR, but it is a great send-up of that whole scene and it’s also a great twangy rock song.
Tony: The song for the readers who don’t know which is probably everyone except my relatives (Hi Mom), musically, it’s a style parody of rockabilly acts like THE STRAY CATS, but the lyrics are about going into town and going into mosh pits. It mentions LIMP BIZKIT and HOLE. I thought it was an interesting juxtaposition and it is not a direct parody at all. Al doesn’t just do parody. Every single of his albums is like half original stuff.
Thom: Are you more of a songwriter or a composer?
Tony: I’m more lyrically minded. I actually can’t play any instruments myself. I know how to sing and I know what I want my songs to sound like. My dad is my producer nowadays and he’s also the arranger of most of the songs. There is one song in the most recent sessions where I sang it for him and he worked out all the guitar parts and he said, “You know what? I think we could really use a saxaphone on this song.” And I said, “You know saxaphone players?” And he’s like “Yeah, there’s a guy at work that plays saxaphone.” And I’m like, “Wow, that is the most awesome thing ever.” Even if I had thought of including a saxaphone, I would never would have thought we knew anyone who could play it.
Being lyrically minded gives me the ability to think in terms of lyrics rather than music. Not that the music’s not important, it is possibly the most important thing. If your lyrics are incredibly dumb, no ones really going to pay that much attention. Well, people will pay attention to you but it’s the wrong kind of attention. Look at Bob Dylan. He can barely song and his lyrics are brilliant and he’s hailed as this big genius. I’m not comparing myself to Bob Dylan, of course.
Thom: The song Disney World is hilarious. Who are the kids in the chorus? They sound so defeated, like the happiest place in the world just isn’t.
Tony: They are really great kids. One of the musician friends that my mom knows is a guy called Sam Barry who is actually the brother of humor columnist Dave Barry and they were co-workers for a while. He’s a keyboard player and he plays keyboards on practically everything on Masterpiece Weirder. And he also plays harmonica and pennywhistle. Those are his kids in the Disney World song.
Disney World, by the way, is a parody of “It’s a Small World.” If I’m doing an “It’s a Small World” parody I gotta have little kid voices in there. There is a bonus track on the album which is a reprise of Disney World. Halfway through the main song Disney World, it switches to a parody of the Mickey Mouse Club march. “What’s the theme park where you’ll take out mortgage number three. D-I-S N-E-Y W-O-R-L-D.” And at the very end of the album, we did a parody of the Mickey Mouse Club alma mater. “D-I-S (escape is futile) N-EY (why? Because we like your money.) Sam’s kids were especially good on that. They really got to bellow and stuff.
Thom: Did you get sued for that?
Tony: Not yet.
Thom: I like how you “actually” apologize to a bunch of people. Why are some people reluctantly apologized to and some actually?
Tony: The reluctant apology list is full of people that I think I shouldn’t have to apologize for because they deserve what they get. People like The Backstreet Boys and the Disney Corporation. People who don’t really do that much to discourage me from writing negative songs about them. The second list is people who I think do have talent and who I’m trying to pay tribute to. For example The Straycats. I did a tribute to them with the song Moshin’. The second list is special thanks and/or apologies. So it’s also a place to include friends who helped in the making of this album who I don’t consider such close personal friends that they are included in the “special thanks” section. Which is reserved for people like my relatives, Dr. Demento and Weird Al, the really big inspirations.
Thom: Carson Daly is on the reluctant list. Did you expect to see him comeback with his own late night talk show?
Tony: Not in the least. The song you are referring to is The Ballad of Carson Daly which depicts Carson Daly as an old west folk hero. The song was written back when Total Request Live was what Carson Daly was best known for. I had no idea he would go on to bigger and better things because the common rule in the business is that after you are on Mtv and you are off it for a while, maybe you do commercials for tampons. MTV may not have been the beginning of your career, but it is the end of it. Carson Daly broke that rule. And that was one of the jokes of the song.
Thom: You had given him for dead in your song. Did he really go to jail for having sex with Christina Aguilera?
Tony: That was a joke. The last half of the song is a fiction. I wrote that because I thought it was a joke but in retrospect I’m kind of not glad I did. That whole story, not only was it an obsolete story by the time I recorded it, it was actually obsolete by the time I wrote it.
I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. I like to think I’m gradually learning lessons along the way. I guess one of the lessons I’m learning is to not be too overtly topical. Which I was certainly being with the Carson Daly song. Which is why, musically I think it’s one of the best songs we’ve ever done. But lyrically, unfortunately, it doesn’t hold up nearly as well as the rest of the album.
Thom: Are you still doing The Loony Bin internet radio show?
Tony: Yes I am. It’s on an Internet only radio stream called Dementia Radio.
It’s a pre-recorded one hour long Internet radio show which runs before and after a show called The Dementia Revolution which is hosted by my main man, the great Luke Ski who is another comedy musician who basically makes me look like a complete asshole, he’s so talented. He has a live show called The Dementia Revolution. Every week I send him a Loony Bin on CD and he plays it before and after each show. That’s Thursday nights, the four hour block runs from 7-11 Central Time.
The show is basically all the stuff I think Dr. Demento should play regardless of whether he’s playing it or not. If Dr. Demento doesn’t want to play it, I’ll play it. The selection of songs I play is not limited to songs I get from CD’s and Tapes. I’ve taped the audio off TV shows and played that. Weird Al just recently had a cameo on THE SIMPSONS so I’m definitely going to be playing the song he sang on some future Loony Bin. I probably shouldn’t say that otherwise Rupert Murdoch’ll crack down on me like the insect he is. [Fox, which airs THE SIMPSONS, is a subsidiary of NewsCorp, the media behemoth owned by Rupert Murdoch – Thom]
Thom: What is “I’d rather Merchandise” about?
Tony: I’d Rather Merchandise is about Puff Daddy. It’s another song that I think holds up better than Carson Daly but again it falls into the trap of timeliness. It was written for an English class. The English teacher wanted us to write a bit of poetry. I decided to write a rap song because all music is a form of poetry, rap music especially. The song went over so well, I decided to record it. It’s about how full of bullshit Puff Daddy really is. The full title is, I’m Not Keeping It Real, I’d Rather Merchandise. It’s about how Puff Daddy uses samples of Big E and stuff. It wasn’t incredibly well-researched when I did it. I could have researched it better. I heard a lot of rap fans say they like it. It is a rap song and appropriately enough it includes it’s own sample of a song my mom wrote for a different project which I’m not at liberty to talk about right now.
Thom: Who are all the famous people you’ve met and which ones did you like the most.
Tony: Weird Al, of course.
Thom: What was it like to meet him for the first time?
Tony: The first time I was completely shocked more or less beyond words. I mean, here was my idol. I first met him at Al Con ’98 which was the very first Weird Al Yankovic fan convention, which I was performing at. I had only released my first album so I wasn’t what you’d call a big huge name in the comedy music world but I met him. Practically anyone who has met him will tell you he’s a really really nice guy in person. If he sometimes acts weird on a TV show, that’s his personality he has to live up to whenever the camera is on him. When it’s off him, he’ll sign your autographs. He’s shown up for two out of three conventions that have been about him. The other one he couldn’t show up for because he was in South Carolina at the time. He’s just the nicest guy and completely devoid of Celebrity Ego Disease.
If there are any movie or TV producers reading this, please, sign him up for something because I want him to do more and be known as more than just that “Eat It” guy.
Thom: He was in UHF.
Tony: Yeah, but that was released 14 years ago. It got the big DVD release last year.
Thom: He’s also a feature commentator in VH-1’s I LOVE THE EIGHTIES series.
Tony: Yeah, but, I’d just like to see him get nominated for an Oscar or something. I don’t know if I’ll ever see that. Maybe a Golden Globe or something.
Thom: Just get him into a Miramax film.
Tony: That’s the ticket.
Thom: And then the Weinsteins will take care of the rest.
Tony: Yeah, get the Weinsteins to take care of Yankovic. He’ll be good. He’ll play Billy Flynn in the remake of CHICAGO.
Thom: Why didn’t you put “Roll Christina Aguilera Up in a Carpet and Throw Her Off a Bridge” on the disc?
Tony: Because that song doesn’t exist. That was a joke I threw in on the liner notes. There are a lot of people in the comedy music world who I hear on Dr. Demento all the time who will record that one good song that becomes a Funny Five Favorite and then the rest of their careers are just trying to duplicate that one song, literally. Like, they do sequels to it and stuff. So in the liner notes I made up this whole fictional back story about me about how when I had success with the song Kill The Backstreet Boys, I decided to follow it up with follow-up songs like Maim N*Sync and Roll Christina Aguilera Up in a Carpet and Throw Her Off a Bridge.
Thom: Do you find shopping for clothes a daunting task?
Tony: Not at all. I brought all the clothes from home when I moved to college six months ago. So far, I haven’t really grown out of any of them. I don’t really care for the whole fashion industry. I think its basically just a really big crock in a way. I don’t want to discourage anyone from going into the fashion industry but it’s like, you get a pair of shoes for 40,000 dollars and they aren’t even comfortable. Why are you bothering? The most important thing is that you feel good and that’s why if it feels good I’ll wear it. That’s my general philosophy.
Thom: How do you like college?
Tony: I like it pretty well. Give me enough time I’ll come up with a good joke answer to avoid that question. It’s going pretty well but I find that as far as classes go, usually how it goes is that half your classes you hate and half your classes you love. I guess that’s what keeps me going in this whole thing. I’m switching majors though.
Thom: What’s your major now?
Tony: My major was sound because I do the radio show and I like editing sound together for hours on end. So I thought it would be a good career for me. My first day in an audio class I was all, “what the hell is a decibel?” So I’m probably going to change to television or film.
I realized something after a year of audio classes. I don’t want to be the technical guy who has to deal with the creative asshole. I want to be the creative asshole.
Thom: How is college different from high school?
Tony: You get to eat lunch wherever you please. And you don’t have to stay within a three block radius where the only things to eat are Burger King and that pizza joint that always overcooks the crusts. Being that I’m overweight, this is what I think about. The typical stock answer is that there is more freedom in college. And there’s a reason that’s the typical stock answer, because its true, there is more freedom in college.
Thom: What neat things have you discovered about Chicago?
Tony: It’s very big. I lived in San Francisco the first 19 years of my life. San Francisco as an actual city is like seven miles by seven miles. San Francisco has a subway but it has like maybe twelve stops on it. I remember the very first day I got to Chicago and I was at O’Hare and I thought, “Oh cool, there is a subway station in the airport. I can just zip right to downtown.” It takes about an hour. It’s a little bit intimidating. Just keep a map of the busses handy and I’m fine.
Thom: Any Oprah sightings?
Tony: Not just yet. But you’ll be the first person I tell.
Thom: I can get an exclusive on that?
Tony: Yeah. The headlines at MoviePoopShoot.com – OPRAH BUYS A SCONE. Oprah is as high above us as beings as we are above the amoeba on the evolutionary scale.
Thom: What movies have you seen recently that you liked?
Tony: HEAD OF STATE was pretty cool. But I’m a Chris Rock fan to begin with. If you don’t like Chris Rock you probably won’t like HEAD OF STATE. And if you are a Chris Rock fan you probably will like it. ANGER MANAGEMENT I saw recently. I thought it was pretty good. A little bit disappointing. I thought it could have been better. Probably my favorite movie of the last six months is CHICAGO. I dig musicals to begin with. Of course after the Oscars, everyone is sick of CHICAGO.
BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE was brilliant too and I certainly applaud Michael Moore for his speech at the Oscars. That was really cool of him. I’m not the kind of guy who has to see every big blockbuster movie that comes into town. I want it to be on my tombstone that I have never once seen KANGAROO JACK. There are some things I just shut my mind to and KANGAROO JACK is one of them.
Thom: What are you looking forward to seeing?
Tony: FINDING NEMO, because I’m a huge Pixar fan. I have yet to be disappointed by Pixar so I’m really looking forward to that. THE HULK. I loved SPIDERMAN so I’m looking forward to THE HULK. And being a heterosexual male, CHARLIE’S ANGELS, of course.
Thom: Do you watch any television shows?
Tony: Not a lot. The only ones I really watch religously are THE SIMPSONS and KING OF THE HILL and FUTURAMA when it’s on, which it rarely is because of the idiots at Fox. Once again I’m badmouthing Fox. I also like the Cartoon Network Adult Swim Sunday night line-up because I’m a huge fan of THE BRACK SHOW and SPACE GHOST COAST TO COAST.
Thom: When you aren’t reading text-books, what books to read just for the fun of it.
Harry Potter. I’ve been getting into that a lot. I know its kind of cliché by now because Harry Potter is now less of a book series than it is a huge pop-culture spendathon and sellathon for consumerism. Yay capitalism. You gotta remember it all began with the stories. That’s really the foundation for the whole franchise. J.K. Rowling is a good storyteller and I don’t need to defend myself for saying that.
I have a Harry Potter song called “The Sorcerer’s Stone.” On my next album, J.K. Rowling will be on the special thanks apologies section. I’ve also been reading The Onion because it really is the most honest news journal out there. Another favorite book of mine is Kevin Murphy’s, A YEAR AT THE MOVIES, ONE MAN’S ODYSSEY. Kevin Murphy was the voice of Tom Servo on Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
Thom: Do you read any comic books? Which ones.
Tony: I used to. I think I outgrew it. I know that since this is a Kevin Smith website, its considered heresy to say that. “Just because I read comics doesn’t mean I can’t start some shit?” I just rented MALLRATS again.
Thom: For some reason that’s the one that it in the mythology of the industry was the big failure movie but it seems to be the one that everyone likes the most.
Tony: It’s hard for me to choose a favorite. But it certainly wasn’t in the lesser fifty percent.
Thom: My favorite line from that movie is, “I love the smell of commerce in the morning.”
Tony: My favorite line is definitely, “The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. We’re not talking quantum physics here.”
Thom: One last question. What do you think are the important issues for your generation to work on? Where do you think we need to go as a society?
Tony: If I were some big celebrity trying to garner publicity for himself, I would probably say that we need to eradicate war and feed the homeless and all that. And not that those aren’t crucial issues but talking from the perspective of “this is bad and this bad and this should happen and then it will be all better.” I don’t know. It’s kind of a depressing way to talk. I guess the prevalent issues should be working on realizing that maybe war isn’t such a good idea after all and realizing that it “ain’t nothing but a heartbreaker, good only for the undertaker.” Edwin Star, rest in peace.
I guess we should realize the media for the most part is full of bullshit and you always have to walk around with a bullshit detector firmly in hand. Never let yourself be swayed by what someone else may think. Decide for yourself. That’s where change is really going to be coming from. Something like Britney Spears. The big corporations are telling us we like Britney Spears and we go along with it exactly like zombies, like my song says. Even then there is a shadow of discontent working that produces songs like mine. If this was a society where all our celebrities were people we actually like, When our president is actually someone worth voting then we’ll be approaching somewhat of a golden age. I don’t know if I want to say golden age. I guess we’d just all be happier with our celebrities if we all liked them. I hope people like me enough to buy my album. www.dqydj.com . Support everything. Especially the war.
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