|
CATS N. BURGH LOOKS AT SHREK!
Hey, Poop-Shooters! Long time lurker, first time poster. Just call me Cats N. Burgh.
Just wanted to let you all know about an awesome movie I just saw. It's called "Shrek", and it's the best cartoon ever made - particularly in its key demographic, as evidenced by exit polls I found in the garbage on my way out of the theater. I'm not really sure how to read this data, as I'm an average, normal guy like all of you, but I'll give it a shot. The stats detailed how males ages 5-12 gave the movie a 95% grade in the top two boxes (the top two boxes stand for "Excellent" and "Very Good"), with 92% overall saying they'd definitely recommend this movie to a friend . Females ages 5-12 gave the movie a 95% grade in the top two boxes, with a 97% definite recommend, so clearly, the word of mouth on 'Shrek' is going to push it well over the top with the key demographic.
But that's not the really encouraging data - males in the 18-35 year old range also loved the movie, giving it 96% in the top two boxes, and females ages 18-35 gave it 100% in the top two boxes! And as if that wasn't enough, both groups gave the movie 100% definite recommends! This movie is a guaranteed hit for Dreamworks, adding to their non-stop crushing of the Disney entertainment machine we've seen over the course of the last two years, post-"In Dreams" and "Mouse Hunt" (which are excellent films, available on Dreamworks Home Video). In fact, in that males 18-35 group, I'm sure Disney planted some spies to grade the movie poorly, because that's the way I hear they are. I know a guy, really well, who worked at Disney for many years, helping to make it the media giant it is today, only to be shit-canned unceremoniously when he asked for a little more cash - which he really deserved. His boss (and I use that term loosely) even heckled his height behind his back, which might've been funny at the time, but wasn't so funny when it cost the company millions of dollars during a legal settlement. Take that Mickey!
Speaking of Mickey, 'Shrek' pokes fun at those bland Disney cartoons they've been cranking out since my friend left all those years ago to start a much more successful company with a few of his billionaire friends (he's doing fine, thanks). So tell all your rebellious teen friends that it's cool to like 'Shrek' - because 'Shrek' hates Disney almost as much as me and my friend. If 'Shrek' were real, he'd rush over to Disney and beat the shit out of a few of the higher-ups, then take a dump in the boardroom where they replaced a really excellent print my friend bought and hung there with something bland that "Michael likes." Then, 'Shrek' would take a leak on the Seven Dwarfs that hold up the front of the Team Disney Building, and invite Entertainment Tonight to tape this most public of humiliations. Then, 'Shrek' would put on some mouse ears and smack the shit out of some small children, so that they'd always associate mice (corporate mascot mice, not cool mice like in the aforementioned 'Mouse Hunt') with pain and confusion. Then 'Shrek' would finally have some closure on that whole Disney unpleasantness, and be able to sleep better at night. Yes - that's what 'Shrek' would do.
But enough about fantasy; let's talk reality. The cutting-edge, digitally animated 'Shrek' makes 'A Bugs Life' look like the 'Antz' rip-off it was, and features the voice talents of none other than Eddie Murphy, who was really excellent in the under-rated 'Distinguished Gentleman' (which, yes, was released by Disney, but during my friend's tenure, so it's cool). Eddie's so much better in this than in that crappy 'Mulan' (which wasn't nearly as good as 'King of Egypt' anyway). And while we're on the subject of lackluster Disney fare, 'Shrek' is going to kick the crap out of 'Atlantis' - that I can promise you. Who wants to watch standard animated characters going underwater in a cartoon when they can watch 'Shrek' make fun of fairy tales in 21st century digital animation?
I can go on about 'Shrek' forever (including the successful Cannes screening it just had), but you should judge for yourself how good 'Shrek' really is. What are you waiting for? Go see 'Shrek' now. It's 'Shrek'-ilicious!
And buy the 'Shrek' soundtrack, available on Dreamworks Records.
Oh, and fuck Hollywood!
Your spy in the anti-Disney trenches,
Cats N. Burgh
|
