Essentially, I think pop music is in a horrible state and these shows that offer music careers to people who want to be stars first and musicians second aren’t doing anyone any favors. Especially music fans. I know I’m not in the majority here—the show still garners huge ratings no matter how bad the music might be. I’ve never been one for these staged reality shows anyway, and certainly the idea of another one of these shows hitting the airwaves is nothing I’d ever look forward to.

I’m speaking of CBS’s ROCK STAR:INXS show. It’s hard not to be cynical when you first hear about such a show—a middling rock band from two decades ago, one whose only interesting (and nameable) member died due to a freak masturbation session gone wrong, is out to find a new lead singer from a reality show? Come on. I even imagined the planning sessions for this show, as network executives named all the bands that might need a new lead singer and be open to this:

“The Doors?”
“Too old.”
“The Smiths?”
“The band would never go for it.”
“Nirvana?” “I like it! Do you think we can find the drummer and the other guy?”
“Um, my son told me the drummer is in a successful new band, so they’re probably out.”
“Huh—damn. Blind Melon?”
“Who?”
“Right. The Gin Blossoms?”
“WHO?”
“What about Journey or Foreigner, the stuff I used to blast from my Trans-Am?”
“Who? And besides, they already have new singers who do a good karaoke version.”
“What about that gay heavy metal band, the one where the movie was made about them?”
“Hey, that movie had the same name as our show! Wow, cool. Can we get Marky Mark to host our show?”
“No, we already have that one guy from the reality show with Carmen Electra. He was in a band where he kissed this guy named Flea or something. He’ll do. But back to the gay heavy metal band…”
“No, the singer is back with the band now. What about Ozzy Osbourne?”
“Isn’t he the singer of his own band?”
“…”
“Also, heavy metal seems too scary for CBS and their sponsors. We need someone who’s music isn’t offensive or controversial.”
“What about INXS?”
“Come again?”
“You know, the band that did that Coke commercial? I saw them on ‘I Love the ‘80s’ and they seemed like they could use this.”
“INXS, you say? What do they sing?”
“Like it matters. VH-1 said they were cool at one point.”
“What happened to their singer?”
“Oh, don’t worry, we won’t get into that. Let’s do it. Besides, it could be worse…”
“What do you mean?” “I mean, we could be stuck doing a show where we’re trying to find a third singer for TLC!”
[cue much laughter]

Seriously, I just didn’t see that INXS still mattered, especially since Michael Hutchence, the charismatic singer for the band, was gone. So I never really watched the show… in that regard, I seem to have been like much of America.

And now I’m here to say that I think I was wrong.

Last week, I attended a taping of the show on the CBS lot, and I have to say… it was good. Really good. I’ve no idea if this will translate to good television, and having the show on three nights a week still strikes me as a terrible idea, but for the two hours I watched, I really enjoyed it. And I’ll be back to watch it again, which is really surprising to me.

The show’s taped at CBS’s studio in Los Angeles, but you’d never know it from the look of it. They’ve done a pretty fair approximation of the Mayan Theatre (a cool LA club) on the sound stage, one that looks good in person but even better on television. In fact, in general, one of the more impressive things you notice about attending various shows live as opposed to watching them is that the lighting is key. So many times, you’ll be sitting in the audience at a place like the Shrine Auditorium (a venerable, and musty, old place near USC) or on the CBS lot and just amazed that the lighting as it appears on TV can mask so many flaws and make a place that looks tacky in person look great on the tube. The stage here didn’t look tacky, but still, it all looks so much better on TV.

Okay, enough about the lighting—how was the show?

Walking through the backstage area to our seats, I happened upon one of the ten remaining "rockers," getting a pep talk from a friend/handler of his. As he stood there, fists clenched and elbows bent, his eyes shut tight, his friend/handler said "you're going to go out there and you're going to sing your song and you're going to NAIL it." The entire time, he pumped his fists and did yoga breathing as he took all this in. It was a real-life version of "lion face/lemon face," and it was pretty hilarious to see. But I'll be discreet and not say who this person was and just keep this funny little memory locked in my own head.

We took seats in the bleachers, since we weren’t exactly up for getting “wrangled”by the show’s page, who keeps the SRO crowd clapping and hootin’ and hollerin’ the entire time. I kinda prefer clapping when the mood actually strikes me. But the floor was filled with enthusiastic people, and even if the applause is “encouraged,” it’s still all enough to get you up for the show.

After the house band was introduced, they brought out the remaining ten “rockers,” the final ten contestants. Since the episode we watched aired last Tuesday, and someone was already since voted out, there’s nothing I can spoil here (a moot point since no one seems to be watching the show anyway).

The ten would-be-frontpeople took their spot at the side of the stage, and Dave Navarro, who looks like Bud Bundy if he'd gone into rock instead of hip-hop, took his place alongside the band. One of the more amusing aspects of the show is that co-host Brooke Burke kept referring to the band as "rock supergroup INXS," and the band members themselves all have an air of superiority about themselves. Meanwhile... they're the guys who played anonymously behind the singer everyone knew in a band from two decades ago. But still, the show is all about hyping the band's importance and relevancy as much as it is finding a new lead singer, so I'll forgive Brooke her monotone hyperbole.

[Side note: Brooke Burke, who actually got me to watch WILD ON! in the past, something Tara Reid won't accomplish when she takes over on that show this week, is even more stunning in person. She's also much better at screaming during a foam party in Athens than she is at reading off a teleprompter, as it turns out. But she's cute enough to earn my forgiveness for her static delivery whenever she talked during this show.]

Alright, time for the performances. I'm sure the "rockers" got as much prompting as the audience, since during every performance, the other nine acted like cheerleaders, dancing and clapping whether the song being sung was a rocker or a ballad.

The curiously cartoonish Mig was up first. This guy came off as Ace Ventura meets Jim J. Bullock, all teeth and hair and cartoonish actions, but when he led off with a take on QUEEN's "We Will Rock You," he was surprisingly effective. Decent voice, good stage presence... and completely annoying.

After the songs are done, Dave Navarro uses his years of experience in the music industry to say things like "you really gave it your all," and "you nailed it." Seriously, I like Dave, he seems like an affable guy, and he married Carmen Electra (always worth mentioning), but his abilities as a critic of other performances is pretty Abdul-like. In Mig's case, he was right, it was a good performance. But as the show went on, some of these performers needed some critical commentary, and they rarely ever got it. I'm all for building up the novices, but as they kept stressing, the winner of this show will be performing with "rock supergroup" INXS. So shouldn't these amateurs be given more advice than "nice job"? The band was no different, offering less-eloquent platitudes to everyone. If the show ended today, based on the band's comments, they'd award all ten people the gig. How about some helpful advice instead of just blind and, in some cases, undeserving praise?

Moving on. Next up was Deanna, one of the few women here who had good voices but have no real chance to make it. In my eyes, anyway--here you have a band with guys in their 40s, one whose sound has always been the cock-rock of Michael Hutchence, and now we're supposed to think they might just change everything and add a woman to the fold? It'd be nice it this was a truly fair competition, but I just don't believe they really have a chance to win. Who knows, maybe the show will surprise me.

Anyway, Deanna, wearing a short vest and tight jeans, took her cover of MELISSA ETHRIDGE's “I’m the Only One” across the crowd and onto the platform where INXS sat on their thrones. She proceeded to give one of the guys a lap dance while singing, and afterwards, they raved about her voice, which was really impressive, and her lap-dancing. Which was somehow pretty creepy. Still, it was a solid performance. Some of the "rockers's" voices are good enough that you hope they break out and actually take a shot at making it work outside of INXS. I know some of them are already in bands in Canada, but I'd much rather hear Deanna sing a song than anyone from AMERICAN IDOL.

Another reason this show seems to work so much better than AMERICAN IDOL, and not just because the music is more current and has more of an edge to it, is because the singers are backed by a good, and real, band. The House Band were all really solid, especially the guitarist, giving the entire performance a concert feel as opposed to a karaoke feel.

Marty, a scrawny blonde dude with "Owen Wilson meets Kurt Cobain" hair, tackled a song by the awful CREED, "Arms Wide Open." He was working some scary arm movements, but so far, the performances were three for three. He sounded really solid. Or, as Navarro said in his only real biting comment all day, "that was the best I have EVER heard that song sung." Take THAT, Scott Stapp.

Heading into this show, I'd heard that Ty, the black guy with the mohawk, had the best voice, but he certainly wasn't helped by his song, the FOO FIGHTERS' “Everlong.” He evidently only heard the song for the first time the day before, and it very much showed. It's a tough song--if you botch that first "Hello" in the lyrics, you're done. And he did. His timing was off, and he just seemed very uncomfortable singing the entire song, dropping verses and missing other cues. Still, Navarro told him that while his timing and pitch was off, "you did your thing with it, you know?" Uh, yeah. Thanks. The band, who one gets the feeling was pushed to and fro by their last singer since they seemed so uncomfortable giving direction to anyone, mostly echoed Navarro in their polite-but-unhelpful way.

Jessica, who as much as admitted she has the stink of loser on her, sang “Blister in the Sun” from the VIOLENT FEMMES. Afterward, she seemed ready to cry, especially when Navarro told her that people actually do like her. She said she hopes so, but didn't seem to believe it. Now, the problem with her performance was, she did fine with the song. But after, she got critiqued for singing a song without much vocal range, one that's not well-suited to a vocal competition. Only... the singers have only the same number of songs to pick from as their are singers. So why the producers chose to saddle anyone with a song that earned them comments about the song being inappropriate was baffling. She did what she could--if there were no other song choices, what was she to do?

Brandon, a leather-clad, stubble-working guy cut from the Scott Stapp mold, tackled TONIC's boring “If You Can Only See.” He found ways to make it even more boring, the first big lull in the show. Luckily, he was followed by...

Jordis, easily the contestant with the best voice-- (not that I think she'll win)-- She sang BOWIE's “The Man Who Stole the World,” (although her performance said "NIRVANA UNPLUGGED" much more than it said "Bowie's original version.") She really nailed it, getting choked up during the song, and delivering a great version. Maybe not "one of the best vocal performances EVER," like Dave Navarro said, but really great. Not that I think she'll win.

You could tell this next guy was going to be trouble from the start--J.D., who sang “The Ladder” from Joe Cocker (nice... uh, current choice of song, show producers). He sounded good--so good, he got Navarro, who seemed much more flirtatious with the male singers, to say that any singer who wins the contest would be singing with INXS two hours a night, but "I'd watch you for two hours." Not sure I could--the dude exuded cockiness the way Pigpen exudes dust (how's that for a current reference?). He was so overbearing and arrogant that I'm fully convinced he'll win. Although the band might be even more wary of another arrogant singer overshadowing them, as evidenced by their comments to come. And hey did tell J.D. to "tone it don a bit."

Next was the girl who just got voted off, Tara, a generic, kinda lumpy singer who sang a generic, kinda lumpy version of THE POLICE's “Message in a Bottle.” Since I forgot about her performance halfway through her performance, I'm glad to see the audience felt the same way. And finally, next up on the chopping block, hopefully, will be:

Suzie, the final singer, who sang THE BEATLES' “Get Back,” a song maybe less well-suited to a vocal competition than "Blister in the Sun." Not because it doesn't allow range--it does--but because over half the song is the band soloing. Which INXS seemed to love--they mostly complimented her on her ability to not step on the band and allow them to do their thing. Yep, it's tough to have a bass player with an inferiority complex deciding your fate. Hopefully this isn't the only criteria the band is after, someone who'll let the stellar bass lines rise to the top of a performance. What these bands seem to forget is that charismatic lead singers are what people pay to see, and what makes a band notable. If their main criteria is the opposite, a lead singer who won't have opinions and will stay out of their way and just service their music, well, they'll find themselves back where they were in early 2005.

Still, the fact that I even got to caring this much about what they do and who they choose speaks something about the entertainment value of the show. So as we left there, I was fully convinced that I was now hooked on a reality show for the first time, and would have to follow along from now until the end.

And then I watched the show this past Monday (the final Monday airing, since low ratings have necessitated dumping the half-hour Monday show to VH-1 on Sunday nights. Yep, CBS has decided that reruns of TWO AND A HALF MEN are preferable to new episodes of this show on Mondays). I was bored senseless. I don't care about the relationships or whining of these singers in the least. In fact, it made me like nearly all of them that much less.

This is where reality shows get it wrong nearly every time. Yes, we know that needy reality show contestants are even more annoying than the average person. But that doesn't make it continually interesting to watch. The shows need to play to their strengths and not just keep photocopying the format that THE REAL WORLD popularized over a decade ago. This show is interesting because the singers can actually sing, the songs have more beat to them than IDOL, and there's the novelty factor of watching people whose first memory of INXS probably ocurred after the band broke up try to earn a place in the band. ROCK STAR the movie wasn't great, but the idea behind it, a young singer taking over for a well-known older guy, was interesting. There's an interesting idea here, too, if only they'd show us less of the singers crying after a performance and more about the performances themselves.

/chris

E-MAIL THE AUTHOR | ARCHIVES