Really, it's not like anyone likes these shows. They watch for the train-wreck thing. Watching a rocker like Ozzy prove himself a feeble family man, or watching Nick and Jessica speed along to divorce court, or watching fat people degrade themselves in a last-ditch effort to lose weight, or seeing the tone-deaf try their best to gain celebrity by humiliation... these things aren't fun, they're just a reminder that your own situation isn't really so bad.

But I have a way to fix all of this. I have an idea for the perfect reality show, one that will also serve to help the music industry as well. That's not too grandiose a statement, is it? A show that will improve two industries? But really, I think it could. It's been in my head for a few weeks now, so it's time to offer it up free to whatever network or cable channel wants to make it a "reality."

You see, I realize what network development execs don't, and that is that the most important person to the future of reality television isn't Mark Burnett, or Simon Cowell, or Amy Grant.

It's Rick Rubin.

Here's what I mean. AMERICAN IDOL is probably the most popular reality show at this point, right? But it's ultimately (very) flawed. At the end of it all, people like Carrie Underwood getting a record deal isn't going to do anything but make the music industry a bit worse. Her CD might debut at number two, but in two years, she'll be making country-pop pablum and no one but a small audience will care. We need a music-based reality show that will actually help grow the music business, not just offer up another watered-down pop music signer whose songs fade like a mildly distasteful-smelling breeze.

Producer Rick Rubin is the key to this. In the mid-'80s to the early '90s, Rubin was renowned for his work with bands like THE CULT, BEASTIE BOYS and the RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS, among many others. He has a way of stripping away a band's excesses and getting them back to basics, and in the meantime, getting them to produce their best work to date, too. He can also revitalize the careers of singers who might be at a career crossroads. JOHNNY CASH's American Recordings releases from 1994 up until his death in 2003 helped reintroduce Cash to an entirely new audience, while at the same time reminding past audiences of just how powerful and charismatic singer Cash really was. Most recently, Rubin worked his studio magic on, of all people, Neil Diamond. He managed to wrestle the sequined shirts out of Diamond's hands and just stick an acoustic guitar in them instead. The result? Diamond's recent 12 Songs release is one of the year's best CDs, and has been hailed as the best thing Diamond has done in 30 years. So Rubin knows what he's doing, moreso than any other "cool" producer. I'm talking about a guy who knows and loves music, not a guy who will preen and posture through another season of MAKING THE BAND.

My idea for this reality show started with a simple enough conversation: who should benefit next from Rubin's wizardry? Whose career deserved and needed everything that Rubin would bring to them?

And the idea was born. The best thing is, this show wouldn't be one of those where it overstays its welcome. I'd hate to see it become the AMERICAN IDOL thing where it airs twice-weekly, multiple hours a week. Nope, instead, I see it as a simple 13-episode show.

It should go like this:

RUBIN-ESQUE: A 13-week reality show

Week one is an introduction to the show--bands and/or singers whose stars have faded will be up for the chance to have Rubin produce their next disc. The first episode will run through the various choices of bands, and cull the long list down to six bands or singers. I'll admit that I did get into ROCKSTAR: INXS a bit, but this show won't be set up like that. It would be demeaning to have a "battle of the bands" format where established singers have to sing songs to prove their mettle, and let some other has-beens vote on their worthiness. Dave Navarro, don't sit by the phone waiting for it to ring for this show. Bands won't have to prove themselves--instead, their entire career will be the all the proof they need.

Once the six top contenders are chosen, the next six episodes will be set up a bit like BEHIND THE MUSIC episodes. Each one-hour show will look at a band's entire career, from their humble starts to their big break to their eventual diminishing returns. The show will look at what the band did right, what they did wrong, what their potential was, how well they realized that potential as they went along, how well-regarded they were and are, by fans and critics alike, and how much they might still have to offer. Each of these weeks, depending on how interactive the show is set up to be, people can vote on whether they want to see this band get their shot with Rubin. Either that, or music critics, pundits and other producers can weigh in with their opinion. Each week,another band or singer will get this same treatment, and people who voted can either keep their original vote for the first band, or change and vote for the next band. At the end of these six weeks, one band will have been chosen.

That leaves six weeks to go. Five of these weeks will follow Rubin's efforts to work with the band. We'll get a look at the creative process that people don't normally get to see. After all, older bands have established ways of doing things, so there's bound to be some tension between their way and Rubin's way. For these six weeks, I see a bit of a SOME KIND OF MONSTER feel, as Rubin teaches the band how to make real music once again. Finally, at the end, the cathartic release: a concert where the band plays their new material. It would probably coincide with the release of their new CD, too, I'd imagine.

Essentially, that's it. Like I say, the idea stemmed from trying to figure out who might still have some potential, if only there were someone good to strip away the excesses and help them return to glory.

People will laugh now, and it's his own fault, but I thought, if Rubin could make Neil Diamond relevant again, then why not BRYAN ADAMS? Never mind the horrible soundtrack songs of the past 15 years; in the '80s, Adams and songs like "Summer of '69" actually brought something to the music industry. There are others: DURAN DURAN, back when they let Andy Taylor play and before they tried to let Nile Rodgers make them a dance band, were more than just pretty boys, and they could be more than they are now, certainly. Hell, AEROSMITH has had two careers and is in desperate need of a third. Even METALLICA, their confessional documentary behind them, could use someone other than Bob Rock to give them their sound back. Play along, it's fun: could Rubin make Paul McCartney more than just easy listening for the Boomer generation? Could he help DEF LEPPARD regain their "Hysteria"? Doesn't even have to be '80s bands. Could even he help Fred Durst? You know how every good ELTON JOHN song was sung pretty much before you were born? None of us want to hear him waste his and our time with "The Lion King" and other over-produced nonsense. But we could all stand with a reminder of just why he was headed for "icon" status long before Tim Rice came onto the scene. There's no shortage of bands and singers who just need the right person to prod some good music out of them again. I'm not talking about six weeks of profiles of bands that have nothing at all to offer, and therefore wouldn't bring in any viewers. I'm talking about the folks I mentioned above, or any number of others. It could work. At least, I think it could work. And it could have some secondary benefits as well; not only would we get good new music from a once-great band, but it might just inspire the other five bands, the ones who didn't get the chance to work with Rubin, to try to remember what once made them so important to the world. And to possibly even try again, only in earnest this time.

I know I'd watch. And remember, I hate reality shows.

Next Time Back to The (Hopefully) Great and (Not-So) Secret Show

/chris

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