November 25, 2002
Giving Thanks
Before I get to anything else...it's a short work week!
For the rest of you, anyway. Well, for the rest of you Americans, anyway. That is, the rest of you Americans that don't work retail and get one day off on Thursday but then have to work the day after Thansgiving, possibly the second-worst shopping day of the entire year. I used to work retail--I know that the day after Christmas is the worst day in the world for retailers. It seems that EVERYONE in the country is out to exchange clothing sizes, exhange their PlayStation 2 for an Xbox, exchange their JUSTIN CD (so last year!) for GOOD CHARLOTTE.
But the day after Thanksgiving, the day that constantly confounds whatever gloomy economic forecasts there are for any given year, is ugly nontheless. So while many of you might enjoy the short work week and binge-drinking that comes with any extended weekend, I just want everyone to know that we'll still be around every day.
Sure, other entertainment sources, like TV programs and talk shows and even talk radio shows take a lot of this week off, feeling like the short week isn't their time. Well, we don’t feel that way at all! We tend to think that a day or two spent with the family is enough to drive anyone to the computer for some electronic solace. After all, as you can see in my TV Recommendations this week, there’s not a lot on the tube worth your time. And you're still a month away from getting cool new presents, so what better way to spend your time off than coming here? We’ll still be here for you with some new columns and some new news, still updated every single day, even Thursday and Friday. As a quick example, today, Antony Teofilo continues his look at JERSEY GIRL with an interview with a woman who's more familiar to most of you from MR. ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD than DOGMA, yet she's in both that movie and JG as well. And Wednesday, Paul Tonks not only presents his look at film scores but also gives a bit extra, with in-depth looks at the new scores for THE TWO TOWERS and STAR TREK: NEMESIS. And Jeff Wells will be here to help you end the short week on Wednesday, as will D.K. Holm and his look at the new NICOLE KIDMAN bio, and pretty much everything else you've come to have regularly foisted upon you. Scott, our news man, might get a bit of a break since there’s never as much news this time of year, anyway, but as long as celebs want to try to sneak some pot past a cop or dangle a kid over a balcony or get named Sexiest Man Alive, we'll still be here to gently mock them.
Since the hacker hit a few weeks ago, we’ve been working hard to restore the archives, so I’d recommend using some of the 4-day weekend to catch up on everyone’s stuff. The archives are also much easier to use now, too – every column's archives are now listed by subject matter rather than date, so you can easily find something (hopefully) of interest.
We’ll soon be adding an E-Mail This Article to a Friend feature, too, to help spread the poop around.
And starting on December 3 will be our next comic strip, a continuing adventure series entitled HUNTED DOWN, with a couple more to follow. Keep your eye on the top of the home page, where a HUNTED DOWN teaser currently sits, for signs of more to come. So yes, go eat, gorge yourselves on turkey and stuffing and pie and football games and TV marathons, but check in here, too —- we’ll still be going as always.
We only mention the continued effort here as our way of throwing turkeys and warm breads at you on Plymouth Rock. You, the brave Pilgrims that have come here and helped this place thrive, deserve all our thanks for enjoying what we do and for continually letting us know what we do right (and wrong).
And yes, comparing us all to Pilgrims and Indians is maybe the worst possible analogy I could have come up with. But the point is...thanks. With everything that's gone on here since we started, it's still nice to know that we're not even a half-year old until next month -- we haven't even really scratched the surface of things here yet, and everyone's support has been huge.
Oh, and, of course, have a Happy Thanksgiving. All of you Canadians, just pretend I said all of this to you a month ago. Thanks for hanging.
Respect Their Authori-tah
Now, if showering everyone with "thanks" isn't enough to guarantee your loyalty to this place, don't think for a second we're above buying your blind fealty. Keep that little bit of shameless whoring in mind as I tell you who won our latest contest, the SOUTH PARK SEASON ONE DVD contest.
You know what? The next time we have one of these DVD contests on the site, I’m going to make the entry some sort of trivia question, or drawing from a hat, or the 106th caller or something. This is hard as hell!
I’m going through all the entries -- have been constantly since this thing started a couple weeks ago. I managed to weed through them all and narrow it down to about 10 entries, all of which are damned good. And then I remember that I only have two (2) sets of DVDs to hand out. Which means…which means this is hard as hell!
So before I get to who DID win, I’ll again go over the entries en masse and my criteria for the winners.
First, that Cartman Jukebox. It was a cool thing that Electric Arts set up around the DVD’s release…but it seems that over a third of you couldn’t get the thing to work. Therefore, I’ve disqualified all you non-technical losers. No, wait, that’s not right…I mean, I removed that part of the voting from the competition. I just thought it was kind of a fun thing, but if it didn’t work for you, it in no way affected the judging. Actually, one entrant, Randall Pullen, summed it up better than I could, with his entry:
"Finally, I'd have to say my favorite thing about the Cartman jukebox is the "HTTP 404" error I get when trying to click on the link. I think that is a hilarious postmodern statement about the futility of our media systems. And making fun of The Poop Shoot for screwing something up is really fucking funny."
Overall, this contest blew the HARD DAY’S NIGHT one away. Maybe it’s the fact that that was a 30-year-old movie your parents were into, or the fact that the entry for that one was more lame than this one—after all, it seemed to be easy for people to write passionately about this show. Even six years in, it seems to really resonate with people. As much as a show with crude paper cutouts doing crude things can resonate, that is.
This contest, like the other, was entirely subjective in the judging. You tell me what you like…I tell you if I like the way you put it. A lot of people voted for episodes that I personally think are among the best SOUTH PARK’s done. But they didn’t win, or lose, based on that. It was all in the sell. Some of you, I agreed with what you chose, but since ALL you did was choose and not really give any sound reasoning as to why, well, I was looking for a bit more. A word to the wise in contests, as in school or in the bedroom – it never hurts to over-achieve.
The actual voting itself…well, it seems that a huge number of you agree that the “Scott Tenorman Must Die” episode was the best – that was by far the most popular show, just as Cartman was the overwhelming favorite character. Nearly everyone got a vote, but that big-boned bastard ran away with it. The jukebox, when it worked, well, Timmy singing “Timmy Timmy Timmy” was your (and my) favorite.
The Grand Prize Winners
Like I say, it was tough judging this time, but people have to win, and others have to lose, or else we’ll be here all day. So, a word of thanks to everyone who took the time to enter, and if you didn’t win, just remember, you’re only a little less good than the people who did.
Both winners will receive, as stated, a brand-new copy of SOUTH PARK: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON 2-disc DVD set. A first runner-up will receive a special CD-ROM of great SOUTH PARK moments, not available for purchase at all -- it came straight from Comedy Central, so, while it ain't as good as a multi-disc set of the first season, it is a unique prize, anyway.
In no particular order, the two winners are:
Josh Schirmer:
The reason that 'South Park' remains the funniest program on television
is twofold: 1.) It continues to be topical and current without ever
being overly preachy or jumping the proverbial shark; and 2.) it
approaches every episode from the standpoint that if the creators
thought a joke was funny, a loyal audience will be smart enough to do
the same. The best episodes of the series are the ones that give the
finger not just to society in general, but to the show's audience
itself, like in the series' greatest episode, "Terrence & Phillip in
Not Without My Anus." Knowing full well that their first season
cliffhanger had generated enough of a media blitzkrieg to ensure their
largest audience to date, Trey and Matt had the audacity to flat out
LIE to the viewing public and, instead of resolving their
"who-is-Cartman's-father" storyline, do an entire episode about their
duo of farting Canadians. Amazingly enough, the episode worked, and
aside from being the funniest fart joke in the history of fart jokes,
the fact that it enraged more people than it entertained only added to
the enjoyment of the 'in-the-know' audience. Besides that, it gave us
the single funniest line in the history of the series, when Terrence
lovingly relays to Ugly Bob that his face "looks like somebody tried to
put out a forest fire with a screwdriver."
My single favorite South Park character is, hands down, the adorable
little tyke known as Butters. Butters seems to represent the innocent
child that exists inside everyone, the fragment of our psyche that
society has permanently placed on the edge of perversion and
desensitization. He's that part of us that would do anything for
acceptance, be it gaining and losing fifty pounds like the Subway guy
or gluing a set of balls to our respective chins. He's the suppressed
portion of all of us that believes anyone that makes tin-foil helmets
and cackles mindlessly has the necessary chops to take over the world.
Butters is that porn craving, constantly stuttering, kicked-around
piece of baggage that we all carry from childhood... and damned if he
doesn't make all of our inner suffering and humiliation look really
cute and cuddly.
And as for the best soundbite on Cartman's Boombox... well, does it get
any funnier than reticent guidance counselor Mr. Mackey explaining to a
classroom full of fourth graders exactly what a "quief" is? No, I
thought not.
Mike From Tucson:
I’ve been out of town for a while and missed out on your "Hard Day’s Night" Contest. Kind of pissed about that, but I don’t think I could have topped those winning entries. Good stuff.
Anyway, I’m glad to see the site is back in peak form. I’m all over this South Park contest... That’s a nice prize. And, it finally gives me a reason to write about one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen on TV. Keep up the good work!
Favorite South Park episode: Scott Tenorman Must Die
Favorite South Park character: Scott Tenorman
First of all, this episode had Radiohead in it, and Thom Yorke calling Scott Tenorman a crybaby was one of the most ironically amusing lines in the history of the entire music industry to television crossover phenomenon. I always wondered what comedic aspect the boys behind Kid A could bring to South Park, and I’ll be damned if Trey and Matt didn’t use them perfectly. Classic stuff. But that’s just the surface of the episode.
My favorite character, Scott Tenorman, chosen for his title role in that same episode, is not a traditional choice. He’s not overly funny or clever; he’s just an asshole who picks on younger kids and tricks Cartman into buying his pubes. He’s one of those guys we all knew growing up who tried to impress people by picking on kids who couldn’t defend themselves. He thought Cartman was one of those people. And that’s why he’s my favorite South Park character.
You see, Cartman is obviously the driving force behind the show. He’s South Park’s Homer, if you will. I’m sure he received a lot of votes in your contest, and rightfully so. He’s hilarious, whether he’s singing, talking businesslike with adults, being naive, or getting incredibly upset, he’s always good for a laugh. And he always seems to be just that one little push away from going completely insane on somebody. He just needs a nudge. A muse, for lack of a better term, that inspires his breakdown. That muse is Scott Tenorman.
When Scott sells Cartman his pubes and refuses to give him his money back once Cartman realizes what ‘getting pubes’ really means, the beast within Cartman that had been stirring for two and a half seasons was officially awoken. Not the beast that would drive him to flip out at a moment’s notice, or even the inconsiderately evil and juvenile beast that would have him let his friend die so he could build a Shakey’s out of aborted stem cells. This is a different part of Cartman that we’ve never seen, and may never see again. This is a diabolical, coolly calculated, and incredibly patient genius at work. And we owe it all to Scott.
Cartman convinces Scott to come to his chili cook off, and Scott obliges, taking his standard, predictable asshole approach of trying to make Cartman eat his pubes in his chili, much to his friends’ amusement. And Cartman knows that’s exactly what he’s going to do. He outwits Scott to an even more insane degree than everyone who was ever picked on wishes they had. His plot is long, and drawn out, and needs everything to go exactly as planned. And everything does. The fact that the line, "Come on pony... bite the wiener. That's it. Bite it off," is just part of the plot tells you that it's classic.
But even as the viewer watches the events unfold, they have no idea what is going on. We just assume that the big payoff is going to be Cartman unknowingly eating Scott’s pubes. But it’s not. It’s much bigger than that, and we never see it coming. To make an already long story somewhat shorter, Cartman makes Scott eat his parents. Then he licks the tears off of Scott’s face after he tells him what he just ate.
That’s some Hannibal Lecter shit. Maybe even worse.
But it’s also the funniest and most clever ending ever to a South Park episode, and maybe any episode of any show, ever. And Radiohead is there (albeit in cartoon form) to see it all go down, and make Scott's defeat all the more traumatic, if that's even possible. And Cartman has stood up for the weak and defenseless. He’s used his twisted intellect to out-asshole the king of all assholes. We all knew he had it in him. We knew he could go all out if the moment called for it. And it did. He stepped over that line from sanity to insanity, and his legend was born.
And it’s all due to Scott Tenorman trying to make a few bucks by making some kid look stupid and ignorant, as most kids Cartman’s age are. But not our Cartman.
Lesson learned.
Favorite “Boombox” sound byte: I couldn’t get the damn thing to work on my piece of crap work computer. Hopefully this won’t disqualify me. If it does, I’ll make it a point to get that thing to work somewhere and resubmit my entry. As for the Boombox, if it happens to have Jimmy saying anything along the lines of, “Wow.... what a wonderful audience”, then that’s my favorite byte, hands down. That gets me every time.
And the First Runner-Up:
Patrick Hayden
Favorite Episode: Cartman Joins NAMBLA
Why: This episode shows just how far the show was willing to go. Other
episodes would really push the envelope, like the ending to "Scott Tennerman
Must Die", but this one takes a very serious issue like child abuse and just
destroys any kind of message in total silliness, from the Marlon Brando Look
Alikes, to the responses the NAMBLA members have to the boys, especically
Timmy. And the show eventually devolves into total wackiness during the
chase scene towards the end. High (lob-brow) comedy. The kicker is at the
end when Kenny has died, and Kenny's Mom decides to name her new son Kenny
in his honor. Kenny's Dad says "This is like the 50th time this has
happened". Great meta humor.
Favorite Character: Timmy
Why: It used to be Cartman, because in all honesty, everything that comes
out of his mouth is hilarious. But he's too often the focus of the show.
Timmy, on the other hand, was introduced late, has few lines, but steals
every scene he's in. His high point is obviously in "Cripple Fight", which
is more bizzare than funny, but in "Timmy 2000" he's just plopped in with no
explination, goes on to form the world's greates band, and pisses off Phil
Collins. Timmy expresses so much with just the ways he says his name, that
he's impossible not to get consistant laughs from, and despite his
sterotypical appearance, he's really not sterotypical at all, as when he
photoshops Jimmy's head onto Gay Porn to get him kicked out of scouts.
Plus, he's got the best catch phrase: "Livin' a lie, livin' a lie, Tim-mah!"
Favorite Boom Box quote: "Ack, too much pressure!"-Tweek
One last entry that was really fun to read, although I have nothing else to offer as a reward, and I'd probably be better off not running rather than letting him know he got this close, was this one, from Pete Selmayr:
Favorite Episode: Weight Gain 4000
Favorite Character: Mr. Mackey
Reasoning: WG4000 was the first entire episode I got to see, and therefore holds a special place in my heart; I feel this episode is a perfect representation of South Park at its best: social commentary (gun control, environmental protection, treatment of native americans), guest-stars (Cathy Lee, Geraldo, Isaac Hayes as Chef) , fat jokes ("god damn, thats a big fat ass"), and tuna fish sandwiches ("dolphins are intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise").
As for Mr. Mackey... who doesn't love the notable: "m'kay" he spouts out every few sentences? I was much impressed by his banter with Damien (D:"everybody hates me" M:"why do you suppose that is?" D:"cause I'm the son of the devil?" M:"okay, thats a good start... why else?") as well as Mr. Hankey bathing in Mackey's coffee mug. But I think the moment where he moved to the top of my favorite character list was in "Summer Sucks", right after Mr. Hat disappears. Mr. Garrison is sitting at home, depressed, and he receives a prank call: M:"um, is Mr Hat there?" G:"Is this some kind of joke?!" M:"hu hu yes.." G:"You go to hell, you go to hell and you die! I'm gonna find out who you are!" M:"um, I don't think you can, m'kay?". Pure genius.
And don't worry, there will be plenty more contests and give-aways to come, so everyone will have another shot at winning something. These were all a lot of fun to read this time around, so thanks for entering.
Next Week: More Reviews from the Pile o' Stuff, including (really!) last year's fun little Miramax pre-Oscar tape and some other things.
/chris
DVD: GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS 10th Anniversary DVD
CD: AUDIOSLAVE, "Audioslave"
Book: LIVE FROM NEW YORK: AN UNCENSORED HISTORY OF SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller
Comic: THREE DAYS IN EUROPE , by Antony Johnson and Mike Hawthorne, and published by Oni Press
Most Annoying Trailer: 8 CRAZY NIGHTS
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