by Brian Lynch
I have a slight problem here.
See, I'm writin' my debut column for www.moviepoopshoot.com, and Kevin has told me to be all sorts of funny and wacky and out to lunch, but as I'm typing these words, LOVE STINKS is on Cinemax.
For those of you who haven't seen this movie, know that it is EASILY the best French Stewart vehicle ever made. Unless CLOCKSTOPPERS counts as a French Stewart vehicle, but I don't think it really does, as (A) he's more of a supporting character in that epic, and (B) CLOCKSTOPPERS can't REALLY be described as "the best" anything, save for "the best movie ever featuring a character that says 'yo that time stoppin' watch is off the hook'".
Back to LOVE STINKS. Fucking rent it. For serious, fall in love with French Stewart all over again. Until the THIRD ROCK FROM THE SUN season by season DVD box sets start coming out, it's really your best chance to enjoy Frenchy goodness whenever you want it.
As wonderful as LOVE STINKS is, it does prove to be a HUGE obstacle in writing comedy. Every time I think I've scribbled a good line, I see a fantastic scene like the one where French Stewart's girlfriend switches his HAIR CONDITIONER with HAIR REMOVER. Leaving French Stewart bald, angry, and, as one would come to expect, squinty eyed. How can I compete? I haven't been this frustrated since I was trying to write a comedy sketch while watching TEEN WOLF TOO.
Fuck, "TOO", I just got that. "TOO" instead of "TWO", it's saying "TEEN WOLF ALSO" as in "HERE'S ANOTHER TEEN WOLF, WHAT YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS JUST ONE?" Even the title is multi layered.
Well, great, now I have TEEN WOLF AS WELL and LOVE STINKS in my head, and every line I type just doesn't compare. Hell, if I can't entertain, I will inform.
Lots of you are probably wondering WHO I am and WHY I have a column. Well, I'm a really good writer and I've sold scripts that get boughten
but never made. I also have a shit-load of comic books, comic strips and animated cartoons up at
www.angrynakedpat.com, and a comic strip called MONKEY MAN on this very site. I served food on CHASING AMY, wrote and directed BIG HELIUM DOG, a movie Kevin co-executive produced and co-starred in, and I'm boyishly handsome. Again, for real, seek out a picture, you'll be glad you did.
The limited amount of success I've had can be traced back to one Mr. Kevin Smith. He's responsible (read:blame him) for where
I am today, and I thank him dearly. And I thought, in honor of his birthday, which is today so go to his webboard at
www.viewaskew.com and wish him birthday greetings (if you're looking for something to post as a present, he LOVES porn. Porn involving REALLY REALLY old people, so go to GOOGLE, type in "geezer pooter" and start cuttin' and pastin'!), I thought I'd tell you about Mr. Kevin Smith BEFORE he became DR. KEVIN SMITH, PROFESSOR OF SCATOLOGICAL-HUMOR-AND-VERBAL-TENNIS-OLOGY.
Kevin worked at the convenience store from CLERKS whilst his good friend Vincent Pereira worked at the video store from, what's that movie, oh yeah, CLERKS. I was friends with Vincent since freshman year in high school (he introduced me to a fantastic magazine called "FANGORIA", and honest to God, if you EVER want to see in-depth pictures of the victims for CANDYMAN 4: HERE'S SOME MORE CANDY I MEAN DEATH, this is the 'zine for you!), and I'd come to visit him at said video store.
Vincent and I would chat politely, and then WHOOOOOOSH, the door would kick open, Kevin Smith would perform an admittedly impressive forward roll into the room, then jump to his feet and proudly proclaim "TIS NAPTIME AND I CROWN THEE SIR KEVIN'S PILLOW", resting his head in my lap.
I was intrigued. Who was this door kickin', forward rollin' stranger that chose my lap above alllllllllll the other contenders (read: Vincent)? I had to know, so I went to a few movies with him and Vincent.
Yeah, NOT a good idear.
See, Kevin and Vincent treat EVERY MOVIE THEY GO TO like THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW, dressing in the outfits of the characters and trying to recite the dialog along with the movie, which never worked out because they hadn't seen the movie before. It usually just fell apart, and Kevin and Vincent would be reduced to going "Duh, I'm Johnny Big Time Super-Star, suck it, bitch", which made things REALLY awkward when we'd go to kid's movies (except for THE LITTLE MERMAID, because, oddly enough, that dumb ass foreigner crab says those EXACT WORDS in the film).
Sure it was odd and made me feel awful, but part of me felt not THAT awful, so I kept going. And so it went for a week or two, attending movies and having to be the guy who tells Vincent and Kevin that NOT EVERYONE going to see TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES wants to kicked and punched by two guys painted green, wearing trash can lids on their backs. SOME people would like that, sure, maybe even the majority of people, but NOT everyone.
But one night it fell apart. Vincent, Kevin and I went to see COOL WORLD, or, it's called in Japan, ROGER RABBIT IF EDDIE VALIANT HAD SEX WITH JESSICA RABBIT LOOK JUST SEE IT, HUMANS HAVE SEX WITH CARTOON CHARACTERS AND THERE MIGHT BE A GIANT LIZARD WRECKING BUILDINGS OKAY THERE'S NOT BUT DID WE MENTION THE CARTOON FUCKING? I didn't like COOL WORLD, and expressed my opinion. This didn't please Kevin, to say the least. He LEAPT AT ME, FISTS RAISED, yelling "FUCK YOU NEWSBOY, HOLLI WOULD IF SHE COULD AND SHE DID!" which was kinda weird because I never had a career in news or anything, but Kevin made it clear that I was not to see movies with him and Vincent again. Brian would if he could, but he couldn't.
One day, when I was in "college" (it's in quotes because I went to William Paterson University, go there for a day and you too won't be fully convinced it's a full-on educational institution), Vin told me that Kevin was directing a movie in and about the video and convenience store. I was like "right on".
Kevin banned me from the set, as it was LITTERED with COOL WORLD references and he thought I'd LOUDLY OBJECT during every take, but I called Vin and told him to wish Kevin well and suggest that maybe not enough people have seen COOL WORLD, and that, you know, perhaps he should reference movies that were more popular, like STAR WARS. Kevin listened to reason, THANK GOODNESS, and about half a year later, Vin gave me a bootleg of the movie, CLERKS, and I showed it to the kids in school (seriously, it was the greatest magnet for arty chicks this side of my BATMAN FOREVER painter's cap), they all went nuts, it was at that point I realized that "hmmmmmmmm, maybe that guy who thinks I'm a newsboy is on to something".
And man, was I wrong. Kevin's movie, CLERKS, never got picked up for distribution, he's still working at that convenience store, spewing facts about COOL WORLD to every single customer that makes the mistake of making eye contact with him. It's sad. Yep, poor Kevin.
KEVIN IN BIZARRO WORLD that is. Yeah, this universe's Kevin, Kevin of Earth B, Kevin of the Gold Team, the Kevin that WAS NOT killed in the CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS, not crappy dickhead Ben Reilly, clone of Kevin, but the actual Kevin Smith is doing quite well. We've seen ironed out our (read: HIS) problems and are the best of friends. There are a few things we've both agreed to NEVER discuss:
1. COOL WORLD
2. HOLLI WOULD from the movie COOL WORLD
3. Brad Pitt's performance in COOL WORLD
4. Any Ralph Bakshi movie made AFTER 1989
5. WOOL CORLD (I don't know who Kevin's fooling, but I go along with this one because he could have me killed in my sleep)
Let that be a lesson to you. Don't talk about COOL WORLD around Kevin Smith unless you love it, definitely rent LOVE STINKS, and for the love of God, DON'T attend William Paterson University. This was Brian Lynch, and I hope you've learned something. I know I have. Until next time, Wool Corld Sucks. Take care!
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