by Brian Lynch
Last week, I got a bit personal with the lot of you, and I while I certainly don't regret it, as the majority of Poop Shoot, um, shoot-backers have proven themselves quite intelligent (the "why are there SO MANY movies that don't neither have no fart jokes or naked boobies" thread is definitely my favorite), I would like to do a complete 140 (not 180, mind you, as I don't want to TOTALLY turn it around, just enough that I stop getting the "what are you, fucking gay?" e-mails) and talk about something different.
I've worked on updating The Muppets and Looney Tunes franchises, and my screenplays for both were SO good that Henson and Warner Brothers respectively didn't think the moviegoing public deserved such genius, and didn't make the movies. But there are SO MANY projects that I'd LOVE to work on. So many sequels that I think I can scribe that would keep the spirit of the original intact, but add something new. I could save the flailing franchises. I could be the A-number-one savior of beloved characters who have hit hard times. And so, I give you, nay, I give Hollywood, nay I give GOD, ideas on how to do sequels CORRECTLY. Let's start with the most anticipated sequel of all time --
INDIANA JONES IV
Wouldn't do it. Nope, don't fuck with the first three, they're great as is. See, I've seen what happens when Lucas returns to his earlier works. Hell, Lucas already renamed the first movie INDIANA JONES AND THE RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. We get an INDIANA JONES IV, I promise you, it'll be called INDIANA JONES EPISODE I and it'll deal with how the Nazis originally started off good, and slowly became corrupted by some old guy who acted like he had the best intentions, but was SECRETLY a bad guy. He will hide his identity by wearing a hood, and everyone will believe him. Young Hitler will be a precocious little tyke who only wants to help and race his Volkswagen, and by EPISODE II, he'll be a cranky whiny teenage heart-throb.
Oh, and there will many many references to what everyone knows will happen down the line ... Lil' Hitler will declare "It's hot as an oven in here," and they'll have to disguise themselves as geese, only Lil' Hitler, or "Adie" as he's called, won't be able to pass himself off as one because he's so bad at walking like a goose, or "goose stepping." Audiences, brainwashed into liking it, just like STAR WARS EPISODE II, by the hypnotic and subliminal method-laden LUCASFILMS logo, will go see it seven times in the first weekend alone.
Oh, and Indiana Jones won't be in it. Stepford Fans of Lucas will not question this.
BATMAN IV
Many people got all sorts of mad when BATMAN FOREVER and BATMAN & ROBIN went all gay Mardi-Gras on us. Everyone's excited because the director of PI and REQUIEM FOR A DREAM promises to bring Bruce Wayne's alter-ego back to his roots.
Well, fuck that, Mr. Arty-Farty, grainy black-and-white two-sided dildo man. I say you go EVEN MORE GAY. Ditch the fag hag Alicia Silverstone and make it all about Bruce and Dick. No super heroics necessary, no villains, or, hey, have a villain, toss in, let's say King Tut, but concentrate mostly on the rich lonely millionaire and his faithful ward. Keep the rubber-nipple suits, sure, but don't have them ever leave the bat-cave. See, Robin can even say that, yeah, "Bruce, I love your bat-cave." There, Joel, there's your first joke. You're welcome.
Come on, you can see the trailer now.
"It's the car. Chicks dig the car."
"Yeah, too bad we don't dig the chicks!"
And then they do a high-five that turns into them holding hands that turns into them snuggling. Tell me this wouldn't be the biggest movie of the year. TELL ME. That's right, you can't. You're too busy masturbating.
BACK TO THE FUTURE PART IV
I love this series of movies. Each and every one is great. I can't pick a favorite. Hell, my first meeting at DreamWorks, my manager and I snuck over a wall to get to Universal Studios so we could check out BACK TO THE FUTURE: THE RIDE. Since then, I've been on it like five times. With Michael J. Fox's current physical condition, some may think that it would be difficult to do a sequel. And they're ...
... right. Shit. You need Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd, or it's just not BACK TO THE FUTURE.
How about this: I implore any REAL time travelers out there, and you know EVENTUALLY time traveling will be possible, to take Michael J. Fox into the far, far future where they may BE a cure for Parkinson's. Come on, you've gotta be a fan of the trilogy, it's glorifying what you do for a living. Let him about your magic phone booth or elevator or whatever and take him to some future doctor.
But I must stress the importance of you NOT LETTING HIM MEET ANY OF HIS GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDKIDS. Because you just know they're gonna fall in love with him, and hijinks will ensue. Oh, and kick Biff the XVII in the crotch for me, because he's probably up to something.
STAR WARS EPISODE III
It's no secret I hate the last two STAR WARSes. EPISODEs I and II sucked worse than a nine-cent whore.
So I say, for EPISODE III, you IGNORE the whole prequel shit and have it take place AFTER RETURN OF THE JEDI, where Darth Vader, who's not really dead, finds a time warp that takes him to EARTH. In OUR TIME. He and the Empire slowly start taking over the world, until Luke, Han, Chewie and company find their way to us and kick all sorts of butt. Come on, like you don't have a boner at the prospect of watching a TIE fighter/X-wing fight through the streets of, say, Los Angeles.
A kid could come up to R2-D2 and think he's a garbage can, try and flip up his head and toss out a Popsicle stick, but R2-D2 shocks him! Holy shit, did someone say "trailer moment"! It's INDEPENDENCE DAY done very very right! It's MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE: THE MOVIE done very very much the same!
A grizzled New York cop could have arrested Yoda for being ... an alien, and then he gets stuck in traffic, but Yoda uses his Jedi powers to MAKE THE COP CAR fly! The cop can say "Now I've seen everything!"
And I want whales to be involved. Somehow.
JURASSIC PARK IV
I gotta admit, I haven't worked this one out yet. Each film in this series is so different, so unique in its plot/character/viewpoint/message, I don't want to stifle whomever might be in charge of the fourth chapter with any predetermined ideas. I guess maybe one or two characters from the earlier movies, and a couple NEW characters ... played by ... hmmmmmmmm, let's say character actors that have worked in more serious, or even, indie films, along with a few interchangeable side characters that won't really have any distinguishing personality of their own ... and a kid of some sort, will ... will ... hold on, gotta work this out ... go ... to an island ... populated by ...
... fuck, here's where I draw a blank. Let's move on.
TERMINATOR 3
I know this one is being filmed as we speak, but I gotta say, without Cameron (James OR Kirk) there's really no point. Linda Hamilton ain't coming back either, and you know ... as I look at The Internet Movie Database, I see Eddie Furlong isn't along for the ride. Were Furlong and Hamilton busy? Really? Crazy.
Personally, I don't know HOW there will be a sequel to TERMINATOR 2. See, they PREVENTED JUDGMENT DAY FROM HAPPENING. They destroyed Cyberdyne, they killed the guy that CREATED the Terminators in the first place, and then trashed the Terminator for good measure. The ONLY way a sequel could work is if it's two hours of Linda Hamilton and Eddie Furlong talking about their adventures in the previous films.
"So, wow, remember that robot guy, Mom?"
"Sure do, son. First time I saw him, he tried to kill me, but then, a few years later, heh, son of a bitch came back and he was on our side!"
"Well, it wasn't the same guy, mom, they were robot --"
"I know, John, I was making a joke, hey, why are you doing those lines of coke when I'm talking to you?"
And then the director will totally have to yell cut because the whole "coke" thing was something Eddie decided to "improvise." That Eddie. Anyway, Mom and Son go see a movie or something, and then go their separate ways. Mom to a lesbian bar, son to a back alley of sorts.
HALLOWEEN, NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, FRIDAY THE FOURTEENTH, HELLRAISER, CHILD'S PLAY
I hear they're gonna do a Freddy vs. Jason movie. Or Jason vs. Freddy, whatever gets your geek boner popping. I think it's a great idea, honestly. Jason and Freddy have like 20 movies between them. That's like two days of utter retarded garbage that America loves. Okay, cool. But I say, get all the fucking lame-ass carbon-copy slashers in one movie.
Put them in a post-apocalyptic setting, the Earth has long since been destroyed by nuclear bombs, and there are only small pockets of people left scattered throughout the world. Naturally, all these crazy psycho killers gravitate towards said towns because, well, if you're into killing people, those are the only places to go anymore. The psycho killers start slaughtering the townspeople, and then get pissed at each other because THEY WANT TO BE THE ONLY PSYCHO KILLER, there's a big bad battle royale, many villagers get in the way, it's a bloodbath.
And then Ash from EVIL DEAD and ARMY OF DARKNESS shows up. He takes them all on. And wins, of course. Easily.
Tell me you wouldn't see that. You don't need ALL of the psycho killers, hell, Candyman and Wishmaster would be fine as long as you got Ash taking care of business.
Look at that, in the middle of this nonsense, I throw in a movie I'd really like to see. And never, ever will. Why? Because the man behind EVIL DEAD and ARMY OF DARKNESS is busy with another new franchise ... which leads me to --
SPIDER-MAN 2
I think Raimi got it right the first time, but there are a few things I'd change. One, you have Kirsten Dunst, who is not only insanely easy on the eyes, but a great actress. Anyone that has seen THE VIRGIN SUICIDES or DICK can attest to that. Give her something good to say. Not that "I love you, Peter Parker. I love you" isn't good, if she said it to me it would be the best thing ever, aside from the fact that she got my name wrong, but she's capable of so much more.
And if you get an amazing actor like Willem Dafoe, who can twist and contort his own face into the Green Goblin's on his own (hell, he did it in the mirror scene), hey, don't hide his face under a big metal GWAR IN THE YEAR 2050 mask. I swear to God, if the filmmakers hire, say, Kevin Spacey to play Doctor Octopus, they best not give him a metal octopus mask. As appealing as that idea is.
Confession time. I didn't want Tobey Maguire as Spider-Man. When I heard he was cast as the charismatic, one-liner-spewing Spidey, I just didn't see it. And I was wrong. He was AMAZING (heh) and SPECTACULAR (heh) and WEB OF (huh?) in the movie. Just like every movie he's in, the dude comes through, does a perfect job. But is anyone creeped out by his ... smile? For serious, whenever he smiles, he looks like the retarded handyman's assistant you don't let your kids near while they're fixing your roof. I don't get it. Blank gaze, big goofy grin. Here's a challenge: find any picture you can of Tobey Maguire online. PhotoShop drool running out of his mouth, down one side of his face. It LOOKS COMPLETELY NATURAL, DOESN'T IT?
And oh sure, Tobey may have been having the time of his life after being bitten by the spider, but imagine how that poor spider is doing. Tobey got the spider's abilities, what if the arachnid started getting TOBEY'S ABILITIES? There's a two-inch, red and blue spider with a mongoloid grin stumbling down Hollywood Boulevard trying desperately to find Leonardo DiCaprio so they can resume their "pussy posse" fun.
Actually, there you go. There's your sequel. I'd see it.
And there YOU go, Hollywood. I've given you a shitload of idears, for absolutely free. To pay me back, make sequels to movies I actually WANT TO SEE. None of this TOMB RAIDER II garbage, or SCARY MOVIE III bullcrap, I want that second chapter of STRANGE BREW to be made, I want a follow-up to the aforementioned DICK, I want Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves to stop joking about a BILL AND TED III and actually do it, and I want a new HIGHLANDER, dammit. And by HIGHLANDER I mean GHOSTBUSTERS.
Next week, more sequel ideas. See, it'll be a SEQUEL to this article. Fuck, that's ironic.
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