By
Robert Meyer Burnett
Unfortunately, the following is a typical Hollywood story about how I LOST a DVD producing job. It happened within the last month. Far from unique, I'd assume variations on the following happen every day, probably hourly I'd imagine, in Los Angeles.
But first, a brief introduction.
So I just finished Art Linson's amusing new Hollywood tell-all, WHAT JUST HAPPENED? BITTER HOLLYWOOD TALES FROM THE FRONT LINE and something occurred to me. The biggest problem we filmmakers face (and I do consider my DVD Special Edition work as a form of documentary filmmaking) is the perception from everyone else that they can do our jobs.
That's right. Everyone thinks they could do a better job making movies and television than the folks actually making them.
Ever go to a cocktail party and meet a doctor? Would you ever think of telling a doctor how to treat a patient? How to perform open-heart surgery? How to diagnose schizophrenia? Of course you wouldn't, because you don't know the first thing about the medical profession. But I'll bet you do have an opinion about where to rank MINORITY REPORT on a list of cinematic Phillip K. Dick adaptations.
Now use yourself as an example. Think about your chosen profession. Think about the hours you've put in to get where you are. Now, imagine someone who's never done what you do. An individual who's never put in the time and effort doing what you do, yet still comments upon how you should do your job. Worse still, what if that individual expected to share equal credit and equal pay with you?
This is what filmmakers have to put up with on a daily basis.
Just about everyone, at some point in their lives, toys with the idea of moving to Hollywood and working in the entertainment industry. Making the perfect cinematic epic. Creating a long-running sitcom. Retiring rich and famous with a supermodel by your side. Admit it, you've done it yourself.
Thankfully, for most people, sanity wins out and they decide to become responsible family folk. They get a job as a beekeeper, or a computer programmer, then live happily ever after.
There are those few of us, though, who never overcome the obsession and move to Los Angeles. Come hell or high water, we will achieve our goals in the entertainment industry ... and we won't blame the gay mafia when things don't go our way. We'll just get up and keep swinging.
I consider myself one of those people.
But because the entire planet enjoys films, television and now special edition DVDs, just about everyone, from mothers to their drycleaners, think they know something about how to create various forms of media. With CNN even running weekend box-office grosses, even grandparents can now be experts. Because of this, most people figure they're allowed to wax poetic about the latest summer blockbuster. They paid to see it, so they're entitled to their opinion. Which means they know why things went right for a film, but more important, how they could've fixed what went wrong. They might not have the slightest inkling of how many hundreds of people, how many thousands of hours, were put in by those working on the production, but by god they know how to make it better.
I've noticed at cocktail parties, if someone discovers you may be in the motion-picture industry, or worse, that you've written and directed a theatrically released feature, they won't hesitate to give you a dissertation on how they feel about your work. Not only that, but they'll happily tell you what they'd have done differently if they'd had the guts to follow their bliss. Which they of course could if they really wanted to ... because if you could do it ... obviously they can too.
For filmmakers such as myself, the only thing worse than this is listening to our actor friends bitch about how much better they'd have been in a part than the actor who actually booked it.
After I made FREE ENTERPRISE (yes, you can buy the special edition DVD), I heard everything from Miramax execs tell me my leads were "too good-looking" to be STAR TREK fans to Convention-Going Trek fans accusing me of Mary Sue wish fulfillment because of the amount of sex my main character has. It's like they expect me to admit my failings and agree with them.
Well, I like my debut feature. It's certainly not perfect, but if someone thinks they can do better, I'm all for them hiring William Shatner and Eric McCormack and shooting their own movie. I'm hard-pressed to come up with a more humbling experience then making an indie feature in this day and age. I highly recommend doing so. Break a leg.
Do you know why people find James Cameron so demanding and difficult to work for? Because he can already do all of their jobs. And they know it. He came up through the ranks, put in the tens of thousands of hours doing whatever it took to get him where he wanted to go, whether designing effects for ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK or directing PIRAHNA 2. Today, if it didn't take sheer numbers of people to complete a project on the scale of TITANIC, Cameron would do the whole thing himself. Because he knows how.
Which brings me to my story.
I have a friend I met 14 years ago when I first moved to L.A. He's a few years older than I am. We met at USC, both with dreams of being the next Phil Joanou. The first couple of years, we were good friends. Then, for various reasons, we went our separate ways, each pursuing a different path through the industry.
I worked my way up through the ranks of film production, first as a production assistant, then as a story analyst, creative executive, editor, writer, producer and finally a director. I've worked at major studios and major television networks. I've edited, written, produced and directed television promos and theatrically released motion pictures. Basically, I earned the right to place a certain value on my experience and abilities.
For the past few years, I've been editing, producing, writing and directing material for special edition DVDs. For those who've written in and asked, some of my credits include work on THE FANTASIA ANTHOLOGY, THE EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE, SNOW WHITE, TRON, THE USUAL SUSPECTS, FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING and now a couple of large projects for 20th Century Fox.
Of course I'm planning on making more feature films, but for now, I'm enjoying the time I've spent working in this exciting new field, both on my own and for DVD content producer Kurtti-Pellerin. I've now got a body of DVD work behind me that speaks for itself. You want to know what you're gonna get when you hire me? Rent my stuff.
So, almost a year ago, this old friend of mine gets back in touch with me. Fourteen years ago, we shared the same dreams of celluloid success, but as it turns out, I've been a tad more successful than he has. Pushing 40, he's only an executive assistant at a large Entertainment Concern in the business of producing films and television. Essentially, he answers the phone and talks to individuals all day long doing what he'd like to be doing instead of filing paper.
So he's more than a tad frustrated. After all...doesn't a hundred-thousand-dollar film degree from USC guarantee one a high-ranking position in Hollywood?
So he comes to me. He tells me he'll get me a meeting at his Entertainment Concern with a person who can hire me on the spot. Grant me the proverbial GREEN LIGHT as it were. The head of their DVD division.
Since my past work makes me particularly ideal to work on a number of this Concern's projects, I really should be working for them. It's a great fit. Everybody comes out right.
The catch is this: My friend wants to quit his boring day job and come to work for me on the project. He wants me to rescue him from his dead-end career track.
Now, I'm not going to lie to you. I want this project. I want this project real bad. In fact, there's probably not a DVD producer better suited to produce this project than I am. It's kinda sorta a dream come true for me.
But I'm concerned about this friend of mine. We've never worked together. I've never even seen his work. Yet, I'm agreeing to work with him in order to land this gig. I don't, however, voice my concerns. And by not speaking up, I'm leading him to believe I agree with everything he wants from me. A little unfair on my part. But I figure we'll work it out later.
So, my friend sets the meeting with the higher-up. I go and do my dog-and-pony show, illustrate my enthusiasm for not only the project on the table, but also for other upcoming projects under the purview of this Entertainment Concern. I'm impressive. The meeting goes well. It looks like I'm getting the job.
But now I have to come to terms with my friend. We have to set the confines within which we'll work together. I offer him 5% of the budget as a finder's fee ... and a very competitive daily editorial rate. He'll get his first DVD editorial credit and we'll see how it goes. I think this is more than fair, especially considering this friend of mine has absolutely no DVD credits under his belt. In fact, I don't really know if he has ANY credits under his belt. So I'm pretty sure he'll be okay with my proposal.
He says no to me.
He wants to be equal partners with me.
Split everything fifty-fifty.
He believes since he delivered the Entertainment Concern and their lucrative DVD property, he deserves no less.
Things that make you go HMMMMMMM.
Now ... it's a little hard for me not to take this personally. Sure, he did get me into a green-light meeting, but I had to have the years of experience and the credits to warrant getting into that room in the first place. I had to have the razzle-dazzle to gain the confidence of the Higher-Up. I also had a decade of work behind me outside of the DVD arena to help me in times of trouble. All things he didn't have. Nor would be getting any time soon.
Yet he wanted to place himself in a position equal to me.
Like Tom Hagen said, "Can't do it, Sallie."
So I tell my friend it's impossible. I can't agree to an equal partnership if only because I'm the one who will have to sign the contracts with the studio. Alone. My ass is on the line. I have to deliver the goods. I assume the complete risk. He could bail on me whenever he wants, to say perhaps direct EPISODE III, but I'd still be left to finish the DVD.
I figure that's sound enough reasoning, right? He'll buy off on that for sure.
Then he tells me something which leaves me completely thunderstruck.
"Okay then. If we can't be equal partners, I'm going with another producer. No hard feelings."
You can imagine I'm furious.
The next morning, he sends me an e-mail confirming with me he's going with another producer. He then tells the Higher-Up I'm not the right producer for the job. The same Higher-Up he's sung my praises to for the better part of a year. He flat-out tells the Higher-Up they shouldn't hire me.
The Higher-Up thankfully finds this rather perplexing.
See...they've met me. I've come through with the rockin' first impression. I'm the man with the plan. They're convinced I'm the right DVD producer for the job. Yet now my once-great advocate is pulling a complete about-face?
What's the deal with that?
But now I'm down with the Higher-Up. I've walked through the door my friend opened and I've decided to deal with the owner of the house instead of one of its lowly boarders So I forward the Higher-Up my friend's e-mail telling me HE'S going with another producer.
Now it's the Higher-Up's turn to be furious.
"Are you telling me, ME, the head of the department, that another employee of this company, a lowly ASSISTANT, told you, an accomplished DVD producer, that you're off the project? That you're essentially FIRED?" They ask me.
"That's about the size of it" I answer.
"I'll call you back," they say.
This Higher-Up knows, as I do, that my friend has way overstepped his boundaries. He's also made decisions only the Higher-Up can make.
Uh-oh. Chongo. We're on Danger Island now.
Then something interesting happens. This Entertainment Concern still wants to hire me. They know ... as my friend did ... that I truly am the best producer for this project. If I get the job, I'll only make them look good. Why not hire me?
So my friend, thinking I'm to be hired anyway and now don't have to use him any more, calls his lawyer.
That's right, constant viewer, my "friend" has a lawyer call me about a project I've yet to actually land.
Now, any call from a lawyer is a provocative act. But this lawyer is actually rather nice and just wants me to do the right thing by my friend. He wants me to include him in the project.
The lawyer's like, "Well, c'mon, your friend did get you in the door. You know he wants to produce DVDs. You wouldn't be in this position without him."
I'm thinking I wouldn't be in this position without a decade of experience behind me ... but I've got a lawyer on the line so I go with it.
So I say to the lawyer, "Okay, fine. Say I include my friend in the project, do I have the right to fire him? I've never worked with him before, so if it doesn't work out, I can't be left holding the bag with the studio. I have to be able to fire him with impunity."
The lawyer understands my position, but pleads with me to sit down, hash things out with my friend and come to mutually beneficial terms. I tell the lawyer this seems reasonable.
But I ask the lawyer one last question. "What if we don't come to terms and the Entertainment Concern does award me the project? If I move ahead without involving my friend, does this mean I can expect another call from you?"
"I can't speak for my client on this matter" he says.
Ah. So if I get the project, I HAVE to use my friend, on his terms, or I might get sued. It's subtly implied blackmail with plausible deniability for everyone involved. Except me.
"This is exactly why I'm not so eager to enter into an equal partnership with this guy," I say.
"I appreciate your position," says the lawyer.
It's no wonder my "friend" is pushing 40 and only an executive assistant. He's a fucking dick.
Finally, I hear back from the Higher-Up at the Entertainment Concern. They tell me my friend has muddied the waters of this particular project, left the Entertainment Concern open to liability, so they've decided to keep it in-house. They won't be needing my services on the project. But they love my work and hope to work together soon.
Bang. You're dead.
So I don't get the job.
I've yet to hear back from my friend since this happened, despite my flurry of e-mails and telephone calls to him. He's used me, built me up for a year, then dumped me after things didn't go his way. Remember, I didn't call him. He called me. Obviously, his initial contact with me after all these years was just a calculated attempt on his part to use the admittedly small name I'd made for myself to his own benefit. Whatever. I'll just think twice before doing a favor for a friend.
While all of this is unfortunate, that's not the worst part of what's happened here. What's most unfortunate is at the end of the day, we'll all be left buying a DVD which could've been better.
Ultimately, in Hollywood, the finished work is all that should ever matter. Because at the end of the day, no one cares, or even remembers you. They remember your work.
Have a better day.
STAR WARS - THE ORIGINAL VISION bootleg DVD CONTEST UPDATE!!!
You all remember I'm running a contest for the bootleg four-disc DVD set of the ORIGINAL VERSIONS of the Holy Trilogy don't you? NO?!?! Well, check out last week's column and get in on the wacky fun. So far the frontrunners are Patty O'Green's impassioned explanation of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and Frank Grimes's (is that a REALLY obscure TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A. reference?) wonderful THE SURE THING explanation. C'mon kids, keep 'em coming ... and remember, put them in the shootbacks below...
NEXT WEEK: A few words on perhaps the best independent Sci-Fi, Horror, Fantasy and Media Convention of the modern age, Minneapolis' CONVERGENCE. A place where an inflatable T-Rex is infinitely more entertaining then its CG counterpart and it really is all about Windy.
Robert Meyer Burnett really would like to produce special edition DVDs of THE HUNGER and THE RIGHT STUFF for Warner Home Video.
SHOOT-BACK HERE! |
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